So hey everyone. Welcome to another addition of pure awesome. Are you ready for the best 10 minutes of the next two weeks? If you're a slow reader, it'll be even longer than that! Yea! This blog is so great! Cat GIFs! The Constitution! Raptors! Inordinate amounts of cash! Whoo!2
I recently made a post on Reddit that seemed to get much attention and so I figured I'd share my thoughts here as well. Why is that, in 2014, I can't get people to just give me an address to wherever it is I'm going? Once again, it is currently the year 2014. That's two, zero, one, four. I hold, in my pocket, a computer more powerful than the one that took man to the moon.5 Why, then, does everyone who knows my desired location insist on giving me directions? Every single freaking time:
Them: "Hey, do you need directions to our friend's house for the axe-sharpening get-together?"
Me: "No, I'm actually really bad with directions and I have a terrible memory, just give me the address."
Them: "No, it's really easy, listen!"
No. I'm not lying to you, "Them", I'm actually very very bad with directions and I have a horrible memory. I don't care how easy you think it is, just give me the address and I'll plug it into my personal supercomputer that was made exactly for situations such as this and it'll tell me how to get there.
I always end up politely ignoring them completely when this happens while they explain their ridiculous directions using just landmarks and no street names and which invariably include stupid instructions 47 steps in such as "If you get to the stadium, you've gone too far." Hey, Them, I wouldn't even get too far to begin with if my phone was actively telling me how to get there as I traveled. Amazing thing, this technology.
I always end up politely ignoring them completely when this happens while they explain their ridiculous directions using just landmarks and no street names and which invariably include stupid instructions 47 steps in such as "If you get to the stadium, you've gone too far." Hey, Them, I wouldn't even get too far to begin with if my phone was actively telling me how to get there as I traveled. Amazing thing, this technology.
And if you're ever lucky enough that they actually give you the address after you tell them that directions aren't your "thing", don't get too excited. You know why? Because they're about to tell you the directions anyway. Why are they about to give you the directions even though they just gave you the address for the sole purpose of getting you to your destination without using directions? BECAUSE REASONS OKAY.
For those reading who are the aforementioned "Them",7 don't try to explain yourselves. There's no good reason behind this. "Oh, but the GPS will take you this weird way. It'll make you..." I'm sorry, but I'm going to stop you because your argument already doesn't make sense. I don't use a GPS to get me from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible, I use a GPS to get me from point A to point B at all because I'm directionally challenged. If I am unsure of my destination's location and I am able to get from where I currently am to there, we can mark a tally in the win column for me because I just won the game.9 I'd rather it take me 10 more minutes to get to where I'm going because I'm using a GPS and it sometimes doesn't think exactly like a human than get lost and end up getting shot because I ended up in Durham when I was trying to get to the beach.10
So. If I ask you for an address to get somewhere, please...just give me the address. You'll be saving both of us a whole lot of time. Also, I won't get shot because of you. And if I did get shot because of you, I would totally haunt you, which would really suck because I'd just constantly pitch you my next "totally awesome and hilarious and ingenious and comic genius"2 blog post idea. More than likely while you tried to sleep. And it wouldn't even matter if you tried sleeping during the day or something to throw me off because I'd be a ghost and I'm at least 27% certain that ghosts don't sleep.11
1 Don't understand? Your fault. I've undoubtedly told you to watch Anchorman countless times on this blog already.
2 I'll stop making this joke when you prove that this doesn't actually work.3
3 Don't understand? Your fault. Should have read my last post.4
4 Yea, that was a plug. For myself. And guess what else? I HAVE NO SHAME.
5 This is not an exaggeration.6
6 No, seriously. I know this is my blog and the word "seriously" is carelessly tossed around and brutally abused like a pterodactyl who stopped being a cool pet forever ago, but this one is actually, seriously serious (see point 2).
7 I have such a massive audience, there's bound to be at least one or two of you reading.8
8 Here's looking at you, Jake.
9 And, unfortunately for you, you've just lost it.
10 I live in Wake Forest.
11 I don't...know very much about ghosts.
The picture. Because this is probably what most of you actually come here for.
