ATTENTION EVERYONE! I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A TERRIFYING AND SHOCKING NEWS REPORT, AND I ASK THAT YOU ALL...
Wait, why does this sound familiar? Crap, I've done this joke before, haven't I? One second. *Finds the post from one month ago. Sighs.* Great. Now how am I supposed to start this post? Uh...
Well, I feel like a congratulations is in order for every single one of you because, as of last week Friday (April 29), you have all made it through one year of my blog posts! And to think that those of you who have been here from the start (me, me, and me, for starters) haven't given up on me! Or gotten sick of reading these! Or...okay, let's be honest. You guys freaking love me. Seriously.* The fact that I've actually kept up with these, though, is seriously a big deal. Like really big. Like....*tries thinking of a cool simile/metaphor and fails*...like big. *Awkward pause.*
Oh man. I'm hyped up on caffeine again. Which is more of a warning for those reading than anything. Honestly, though, I feel like these turn out better when I'm on a caffeine high.** Seriously though, how have any of you survived these footnote mazes??
I've been quite excited about today's blog post because of the plethora of ideas my amazing brain has been coming up with the past couple of weeks.†† I'll be forced to only share a couple of them with you here tonight. So those of you with seatbelts or seat-straps (ie none of you) strap yourselves in and get ready for blog-y awesomeness! *Jumps into the air while yelling "YEA!" and then freezes there. Fade to black.*
I have a confession to make to all of you. I am deathly afraid of garbage disposals. Not like the sound that they make or anything like that. But when something drops down that drain and I have to reach in to grab it, I'm horrified down to the core of my soul that it'll somehow manage to gain sentience, turn itself on, and turn my hand into a fingerless, bloody stump.‡ Or that somehow, probably through a freak accident where some other inanimate object gains sentience, said possessed object will hit the garbage disposal switch and turn it on while my hand is still in there. Stupid Final Destination trailer.
Google has been entertaining me a lot recently. For a while, they had this little notification that boasted about their upcoming new-and-improved ad system. Their new ads, Google promised, would be "better."‡‡‡ Finally, I signed into my Gmail account one day to find that little disclaimer gone. In its place was an ad for immigration lawyers. Guys, Google's racist. Another bit of hilarity from Google: I spotted an ad (probably for the 4 tourists that come here every few years) exclaiming about "365 things to do in Raleigh!" Pfft. Yea, that list is probably not the same thing listed 365 times:
1) Visit tobacco field A!
2) Visit tobacco field B!
3) Visit tobacco field C!
...
123) Visit cotton field A!
124) Visit cotton field B!
...
364) Visit corn field W!
365) Also, there's movie theaters.****
Seriously, though, there's gotta be at least 100 duplicates. At the minimum.
One last question before I leave. What's this thing with tanning? Seriously, when I get married, I donot want my wife to be crazy tan. Okay fine, I'll agree that it turns up the attraction level a tad, but here's my thing: do you know how much I (assume) I'll love having a wife without skin cancer? A lot. As in, more-than-I'll-like-having-a-tan-wife a lot. Seriously. When you're comparing a slightly less attractive woman who's still smoking freaking hot to a dead woman who's tan...I don't know, I just don't see the dilemma there. Seems pretty cut-and-dry to me. But, as you've probably figured out by now (especially if you've been reading for the whole year), I am crazy. So maybe I'm missing something. I don't know.
*Shut it.
**Probably a tad more difficult to follow, but better. Somehow.***
***I like turtles.†
††No sarcasm here. Like, seriously. I know, I almost didn't believe it. But then I realized that not believing it would be stupid because....I, of all people, should know when I'm being sarcastic. I mean, right?†††
†††Okay, no more caffeine late at night, I promise. *Snickers uncontrollably.*
‡I'm mostly afraid of the fingerlessness. I'm kinda attached to those little dudes. And seriously, there was absolutely no pun intended there. How lame do you think I am?‡‡
‡‡If you answered "lame enough to start two consecutive blog posts the same exact way", then you are a jerk. Yea. Chew on that for a while.
‡‡‡That's seriously the only way they described them. "Better." I'm thrilled. Although I guess I can't really get on their case for having bad advertising for their advertising. When they start advertising for their advertising for their advertising, though, I'm totally calling their plagiarism of Inception.
****See? It's actually not the same thing 365 times!
