So have any of you ever had something biologically weird happening to you? You're all human,5 so of course you have. I'm not talking about anything serious, like "Hey, I think that's my lung." or anything like that, I'm talking about something just....odd. Something like "What...is this a hair? Growing out of my...forehead??"6 So it's something weird, but not something that seems like it needs to be dealt with immediately. What would you do in this situation? Even if you weren't even worried, but just mildly interested as to why on earth your body decides to grow a mutant-hair about 4 times as thick as all of your other hairs every once in a while.6 Is your answer to look it up on WebMD? Be honest, that's what you were thinking. That's the natural inclination, after all. The Internet is a wonderful thing that helps everyone share information with the entire planet, and what is that information there for, if not to inform?
Stop. Stop right now. Seriously, I'm warning you: do NOT look up your weird ailments on WebMD. You see, according to WebMD, everything is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever. You can't plug in a symptom without getting something absolutely horrific in the results:
"What's that? You have difficulty breathing, you wheeze, and you have a dry cough all of the time? Let's just look this up here and...heart cancer. You have heart cancer. Also, pneumonia. Of the brain. There's not even a question of whether or not you're going to die, you absolutely are, it's just a matter of when at this point. And it's not even a long when. Tonight, probably; I'm kind of surprised you're still reading, now that I mention it. Don't even bother going to a doctor, it'll just make them start uncontrollably sobbing at your meager, grim existence. That's how bad off you are, you pathetic excuse for an organism."
And that was only slightly exaggerative.8 Seriously, stay far, far away from the Internet when it comes to biological oddities. Even when it's not something horrific in theory, there are pictures included. And when it comes to biological oddities, pictures are only ever horrific.
Speaking of the worst things ever, have you ever been the first person to finish a test in school?9 Ugh. What the heck are you supposed to do in that situation? I have never second-guessed and berated myself more than I have in the time between when I finished a test first and when the second guy finished his.
"How much longer until everyone else is going to finish their tests? Did I finish like 20 minutes faster than the next-fastest person, or 5? Because if it's 5, that's reasonable. If it's 20, however, did I finish so much faster because I'm an incredibly awesome genius and beat the crap out of the test (which has never ever happened in the history of my schooling) or is it because I suck at test-taking and I bombed this test? Should I go over my answers or something?10 What time is it? Crap, I finished it in like 10 minutes, that's definitely bad."
Horrible. I'm so glad I never have to do that ever again. School sucks, I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Whoo! Being an adult! Yea! Wait, what was this post about again?4
1 Blogspot is limiting the number of tags I can add to a single post now, so I'm wondering if adding them in the actual post will work.2
2 Funniest thing I've ever read. Read this now. Holy crap this blog is so funny I got abs from reading it. America is awesome. I love patriotism. America greatest country ever. Jesus. Puppies. Adorable kittens. Dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex with missile launchers attached to it. Hot singles.3
3 What? Oh come on, I had to try at least one 'sexy people here' tag.4
4 Warning. Reading this blog for too long will more than likely give you ADHD.
5 I'm almost certain the perma-ban I've put on iguanas to this site has worked.
6 Psh no, that totally hasn't ever happened to me.7
7 ...
8 I wrote this on the Internet, so it has to be true.
9 What? Is that not a natural-enough transition? I'm doing my best here, okay?
10 If, at this point, I decided that I should look at my answers again, it only ever ended with me feeling like more of a failure because it never reassured me at all; instead, all it did was make me question everything ever. "Do I think this is correct because it actually is correct or is it because I've been conditioned to think it's correct?!? What does that even mean?! What does does even mean?!?! Aaaaaahhhh!"
PICTURE:4
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