So check this: yesterday I get a call from a recruiter at some recruiter company* who says that I'd be a perfect fit for this entry-level position at Red Hat.** She then tells me that she wants to meet with me in person before submitting my resume to Red Hat so that we can talk about my Computer Science experience and the rate of pay I would be asking for. I thought this was very nice of her, since no recruiter has ever asked to meet with me in person yet, and began getting excited about the potential job on the horizon. Later that day, she sent me an email with directions and signed off, as most people do,† with her name. It was Audra. I chuckled. Audra. What a funny name. It's like "Audrey" but with an "a" instead of an "ey". Teehee. I mentioned it to Jake as I was driving over to meet her and we joked about how I'd have to make sure I didn't giggle when she introduced herself to me.
So finally, the time came to meet Ms. Audra. I sat in a chair mentally preparing myself for the greeting by pretending to greet her over and over in my head,†† hoping that the funniness††† would wear off by the time she walked in. Unfortunately for me, my plan failed. Very fortunately (for more than one reason) for me, I had failed to make the woman in my imagination incredibly hot. So this freakin' hot woman walks through some double doors and goes "Chris Sellek?" My previous worries disappeared as I floated out of my seat and in her direction. When I realized that my ability to levitate was freaking her out,‡‡ I put my feet down and started walking again. Okay, okay, I started doing my best to start walking again because my legs now had the consistency of Jell-O.‡‡‡ She reached out her hand and I shook as she introduced herself. Luckily for me, I was too busy being stunned by her looks and being burned by her hand**** to notice her funny-sounding name.
Anyway, she took me into this office and started talking with me about the aforementioned†††† stuff, while I sat back and did my best to answer her questions, bring attention to my strong points, set a pay-rate that wasn't too incredibly high, and I can't forget to mention that I was doing my best to not openly stare at her like she was the Mona Lisa on display in the Louvre.‡‡‡‡ So about halfway through the interview, when I had already planned the proposal out to a tee, something shiny caught my eye. No big deal, right? She's just wearing a totally innocent ring on a finger that's not her ring finger....right? I'll just casually glance down when she's not looking to see....HOLY HECK THAT IS THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' DIAMOND RING I'VE EVER SEEN. And can you guess which finger it was on? Yea, her left ring finger. So I somehow made it through the remainder of the interview without bursting into tears.***** Talk about being unlucky, huh? The first one got away back in the note entitled "Milk was a Bad Choice" (which, believe it or not, had absolutely nothing to do with milk being a bad choice), and now another slips through my grasp. One of these days, Mike Blackaby will regret his decision to leave me for Lane and...uh...I mean, I'll find the right girl and stuff. Yea.†††††
*Why, yes, I have always been this good at remembering.
**For those of you like Laura Kuhns (yes, I totally just called you out) who have no idea what Red Hat is: it's a software company. Have you heard of Linux? ... No? Well then, you're hopeless.***
***That was mean. I (almost) apologize.
†With the exception of Joanna Slagle.
††No, of course I didn't do this for real. *Gets reeeaaaaally awkwardly quiet*
†††Uh....okay fine, I admit it. I spelled it "funnyness" first, and then Google Chrome had to tell me it was spelled with an "i" and not a "y". You knew how to spell it from the get-go didn't you? You're mocking me now, aren't you? Well....why don't you just....shut up.....Freud.‡
‡Incorrect reference to Sigmund Freud.
‡‡I do not, nor have I ever, had a Chance to Fly........ *Checks to see if anyone "got" it. Tries again.* Or maybe I should say that I've never been able to Defy Gravity............ *Checks again, sees a few faces lighting up. Sighs when he sees that a few people are still dumbfounded.* Thank Goodness that's the case, though, because I'm already pretty POPULAR as it is and I'm Not That Girl..................... *Still nothing from his audience. Sighs way too loudly and obnoxiously. Slows down his speech as if that's going to help the last few people who haven't caught on.* Well, this footnote has gone on long enough and THE WIZARD AND I have to go save some puppies FOR GOOD because we've been pretty evil lately and we all know that NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED............. *Sighs and gives up like he should have after the second sentence.* Wicked, guys. I'm....I'm referencing the play Wicked. *Sighs obnoxiously again even though it's not his clueless audience members' faults that they haven't seen the play.*
‡‡‡Okay so she wasn't THAT hot. But when do I ever not exaggerate everything 100 billion percent??
****Get it? She was so hot that she burned me when she touched me? Shut up, I don't think you're funny, either.
††††Yea. "Aforementioned." As in "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality." Heh. And you thought I was stupid.
‡‡‡‡You like my simile and you know it. And no, I have NO idea how to pronounce "Louvre".
*****There was one point where she left to get a drink of water where I was able to cry a river in my grief. Oh and I'm not exaggerating here. I'm talking about a legitriver. Seriously, think freaking Amazon here, people. I managed to stop before she got back, of course, but she definitely was making weird faces about the deluge that had just ravaged her office when she got back.
†††††For those who don't know me very well and who would like to draw improper conclusions about the way I view women based on this one post I've written, I would kindly ask that you refrain from calling me any names. Especially "sexist". (For those who are wondering: yes, there's an inside joke here. And it's hilarious.).
pic. ture.
