Another Philosophical Question From a Broken Mind

Yea, my mind's broke. Again. No, seriously. I just tried typing the word "awesome" in a facebook chat message to Elizabeth Hauser and it ended up coming out as "aweomw." This is not a joke.

Anyway, what could be more interesting than reading the ponderings (which is apparently not a word...stupid red underline) of a guy with a broken brain? I can't think of an occasion where this would not be completely hilarious. Pretty sure that last sentence was grammatically incorrect. Pretty sure you don't care. Man, I feel sorry for anyone who has to converse with me in person today.

So, this week I'm going to be taking a break from the Biblical stories. Not because I don't have any others*, but because another question has been nagging away at the pink, squishy thing inside my skull**. This question is about the TV series 24. Now, before you start freaking out on me like a rhinoceros at a basketball game†, I'm not talking about Jack's lack of restroom usage. Everybody and their iguana†† has told this joke. For those who haven't heard it, please come back to planet Earth. We miss you. Unless we don't miss you. Then please stay wherever you are, and continue to read my blog posts.

Okay, I will now stop rambling and ask my question so you can get back to your life, which probably includes work or school. For those who are wondering: I'm done with both. Just sayin'.

So, for those of you who watch, or who have watched, 24: have you ever noticed that nothingever happens when we're away for commercials? Seriously, it's like everyone simultaneously decides to goes on a tea break or something (or maybe this is when Jack relieves himself. Ever think of that, lame Jack-has-a-steel-bladder people?!). Just one time, I want to come back from commercial break and have absolutely no clue what the heck is going on. I've even planned out how it would happen, and have sent it to Fox as a suggestion*:

We leave the show for commercials with Jack driving, or something boring like that, and then we come back to find that he's no longer driving, that he's bleeding profusely from three bullet wounds in his arm, and that he's in some epic fist-fight with some 7-foot-tall dude and three Mexicans dressed as clowns. After a couple minutes of fighting, Jack utilizes his extreme manliness to kill the really big guy, which scares the three clown guys away. Then, he turns to some woman we've never seen before, extends his hand, and goes "Let's get outta here."

She grabs his hand, and as they're heading out, a little 4-year-old girl steps out from behind some boxes wearing a tutu and goes "Daddy?"

Jack looks at her and asks "Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can we go home now?" She'll ask, in a totally cute 4-year-old girl kinda way.

To this, Jack responds with just a smile and a nod and picks her up. Then, the three of them walk into the sunset while some touching music plays. Here's the most important part: offer no explanation for anything. We just have two new characters now, and it's our job as the audience to figure out who the heck they are and where they came from using context clues in future episodes. That is, unless they're killed off before we're able to find anything out. Which is entirely possible.

So. Hopefully you enjoyed reading this. If not, please go join the guy who's not on planet Earth. Except I don't want you to be reading my future blog posts, so live in a separate apartment from him so I can IP ban you without affecting him†††.




*Lies.

**Due to a birth defect, I was born with brain cells in my tongue. For serious***.

***Biologically impossible.

†This simile makes little, to no sense. So stop trying to figure it out.

††This is prove to the iguanas, once and for all, that I am NOT species-ist. I made one mistake that one time I was in the Caribbean. Let it go. Dang.

†††Computer geek humor. If you're asking why, I have no answer for you.




Stop. Picture time:

Untitled - But Not the Artsy Kind...I Just Couldn't Come Up With a Title...

I've tagged you in this if you bothered reading/commenting on the last one. As for the rest of you, I'm severely disappointed in you. But only kind of (figure that one out).

So, as stated in the previous post, I have been taking the advice of my seminarian friends and asking deep questions* about popular Bible stories and/or what I read each night in my quiet times. Last time, I took on the David and Goliath story: a classic story that most people hear before being begotten** that the Bible ends quite abruptly without answering a key question that arises upon reading the story***. For this post, I will take on another story that ends just as abruptly:

Story 2 - Elijah and Elisha

Okay, here's another story that's quite interesting, but that also ends with some unanswered questions. Before we even take a look at the story, though, there's something that bothers me from the get-go that I need to address: when God was picking His prophets, He had an entirenation of people to choose from††. Why on Earth, then, would God choose the two guys in ALL of Israel with the most similar sounding names possible? EliJAH. EliSHA. I want to know how many times someone called one of these two only to have both of them turn around and go "Sup?" This is the first question I will be asking God when I step into heaven†††.

And now onto the story. For those of you who haven't heard the story, it goes a little something like this:

Elijah and Elisha, two prominent prophets of God, went out for a walk one day. So there they were, minding their own business, and doing whatever it is Old Testament prophets of God do in their spare time (probably talking about how awesome the movie The Dark Knight was going to be. Or how lame the Disney Channel was going to be‡.). Then, all of a sudden, a freaking chariot of fire comes out of the sky and swoops Elijah away, leaving Elisha alone. Story ends.

Now, if you're a man who believes in God, it wouldn't take too much brain power to figure out that the whole "chariot of fire" thing was something put together by the Big Man Upstairs. I mean, fire doesn't normally take on shapes (unless we're talking about one The Dark Knightposter, but that was more than likely 'shopped). So it probably didn't take Elisha long to figure out that God had something to do with what had just happened. But how confused must Elisha have been after this‡? I can hear him praying to God after the incident now:

"Um....." He would have said, looking down at Elijah's tunic that had fallen off‡‡. "So.....do I....wait here for him to come back? Or....you know what, he knows the way back to camp, I'll just....I'll just go."

So Elisha, who apparently wasn't thinking about what would happen when he got back to camp, tore his clothes in agony‡‡, probably picked up Elijah's tunic to keep as a reminder of his friend, and then headed back to camp. This isn't even the worst part. Here's my big question about this story: what the heck did he tell people when he got back from his little walk without Elijah?! I can just see everyone in the Israeli camp now: "Well, here comes Elisha, but....where's.....Elijah??? Oh, dear..."

I mean, come on, can you blame these people? Elijah was a very prominent prophet of God, and Elisha was his less-prominent counterpart. I'm pretty sure that that's what today's law enforcement would call "motive." The two went on a walk, and only Elisha came back. With torn clothes. And holding Elijah's tunic. So Elijah's either running around naked in the desert and Elisha tore his tunic on a peaceful walk, or....hm. And approaching Elisha about the incident probably didn't do much to solidify his innocence. Some teenager who lost a bet probably was the one to approach him‡:

"So.....Elisha." He would have said, trying to hide his nervousness. "Um.....what's up, first of all?"

"Nothin' much, you?" Elisha would have replied, probably oblivious to the suspicion that had been cast on him by his walk with Elijah the day before.

"Oh no, doing well, doing well. So uh....some of us were just wondering something. When's, uh.....when's Elijah coming back?"

"Hm?" Elisha would have replied, turning off his prophetic vision of The Dark Knight. "Oh, yea, he's not gonna be coming back."

Nervousness builds.

"Oh, that's......good. Can....could....can...." Clears his throat "...Can I ask what happened to him?"

"Oh you didn't hear?? Well, we were walking and then all of a sudden, this chariot of fire came out of nowhere and swooped him up into heaven!!"

Loooooong awkward pause.

"A, uh........a chariot of fire.....?"

"Yup!"

Another long awkward pause.

"That's....nice. Well, listen I, uh....I gotta go."

At this point, the poor teenager would start backing away slowly. Elisha, still oblivious, probably said something to the effect of:

"Actually, I was just about to go on another walk. You think you want to join?"

Throwing all reserve aside, the teenager would have taken off at this point, screaming "NO! No thanks! That's totally cool! I'm already doing something with my friends!"

So once again, my little story has little, if any, Biblical merit. You have to admit that I have a point though. I mean, really, this had to be more than just a little suspicious.




*In case you haven't caught on after the first post, statements like this are intentionally misleading.

**Shout out to Shannon Daniel for this terminology.

***Disclaimer for you crazy can't-take-a-joke people: I am in no way claiming that the Bible is incomplete. None of these posts are to be taken seriously. Just enjoy the lulz. Any complaints that claim that I'm being blasphemous or whatever will be punishable by death†.

†Like I said: jokes. Now laugh and continue reading.

††Not a Calvinist? Tough. Read your Bible sometime†.

†††I make a lot of claims about what my first question to God will be when I step into heaven. Most of them are untrue.

‡Not Biblically accurate.

‡‡Biblically accurate. Seriously, Elijah's tunic was left behind, and Elisha tore his own tunic. Read the story, homie!




Another picture:

(Yet another pertinent picture).

Seal: "Yesssss.....now that you've taken the picture, why don't you let little Billy pet me??"