What's That? You Say We're on Right Now?

........I don't believe you.¹

So hey everyone. Welcome to another addition of pure awesome. Are you ready for the best 10 minutes of the next two weeks? If you're a slow reader, it'll be even longer than that! Yea! This blog is so great! Cat GIFs! The Constitution! Raptors! Inordinate amounts of cash! Whoo!²

I recently made a post on Reddit that seemed to get much attention and so I figured I'd share my thoughts here as well. Why is that, in 2014, I can't get people to just give me an address to wherever it is I'm going? Once again, it is currently the year 2014. That's two, zero, one, four. I hold, in my pocket, a computer more powerful than the one that took man to the moon.⁵ Why, then, does everyone who knows my desired location insist on giving me directions? Every single freaking time:

Them: "Hey, do you need directions to our friend's house for the axe-sharpening get-together?"

Me: "No, I'm actually really bad with directions and I have a terrible memory, just give me the address."

Them: "No, it's really easy, listen!"

No. I'm not lying to you, "Them", I'm actually very very bad with directions and I have a horrible memory. I don't care how easy you think it is, just give me the address and I'll plug it into my personal supercomputer that was made exactly for situations such as this and it'll tell me how to get there.

I always end up politely ignoring them completely when this happens while they explain their ridiculous directions using just landmarks and no street names and which invariably include stupid instructions 47 steps in such as "If you get to the stadium, you've gone too far." Hey, Them, I wouldn't even get too far to begin with if my phone was actively telling me how to get there as I traveled. Amazing thing, this technology.

And if you're ever lucky enough that they actually give you the address after you tell them that directions aren't your "thing", don't get too excited. You know why? Because they're about to tell you the directions anyway. Why are they about to give you the directions even though they just gave you the address for the sole purpose of getting you to your destination without using directions? BECAUSE REASONS OKAY.

For those reading who are the aforementioned "Them",⁷ don't try to explain yourselves. There's no good reason behind this. "Oh, but the GPS will take you this weird way. It'll make you..." I'm sorry, but I'm going to stop you because your argument already doesn't make sense. I don't use a GPS to get me from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible, I use a GPS to get me from point A to point B at all because I'm directionally challenged. If I am unsure of my destination's location and I am able to get from where I currently am to there, we can mark a tally in the win column for me because I just won the game.⁹ I'd rather it take me 10 more minutes to get to where I'm going because I'm using a GPS and it sometimes doesn't think exactly like a human than get lost and end up getting shot because I ended up in Durham when I was trying to get to the beach.¹⁰

So. If I ask you for an address to get somewhere, please...just give me the address. You'll be saving both of us a whole lot of time. Also, I won't get shot because of you. And if I did get shot because of you, I would totally haunt you, which would really suck because I'd just constantly pitch you my next "totally awesome and hilarious and ingenious and comic genius"² blog post idea. More than likely while you tried to sleep. And it wouldn't even matter if you tried sleeping during the day or something to throw me off because I'd be a ghost and I'm at least 27% certain that ghosts don't sleep.¹¹

¹ Don't understand? Your fault. I've undoubtedly told you to watch Anchorman countless times on this blog already.

² I'll stop making this joke when you prove that this doesn't actually work.³

³ Don't understand? Your fault. Should have read my last post.⁴

⁴ Yea, that was a plug. For myself. And guess what else? I HAVE NO SHAME.

⁵ This is not an exaggeration.⁶

⁶ No, seriously. I know this is my blog and the word "seriously" is carelessly tossed around and brutally abused like a pterodactyl who stopped being a cool pet forever ago, but this one is actually, seriously serious (see point 2).

⁷ I have such a massive audience, there's bound to be at least one or two of you reading.⁸

⁸ Here's looking at you, Jake.

⁹ And, unfortunately for you, you've just lost it.

¹⁰ I live in Wake Forest.

¹¹ I don't...know very much about ghosts.

The picture. Because this is probably what most of you actually come here for.

Sheep's Bladders to Prevent Earthquakes

Good evening, my minions. Thank you for joining me in another addition of my totally awesome and cool and amazing and funny and hysterical and hilarious blog.¹

So have any of you ever had something biologically weird happening to you? You're all human,⁵ so of course you have. I'm not talking about anything serious, like "Hey, I think that's my lung." or anything like that, I'm talking about something just....odd. Something like "What...is this a hair? Growing out of my...forehead??"⁶ So it's something weird, but not something that seems like it needs to be dealt with immediately. What would you do in this situation? Even if you weren't even worried, but just mildly interested as to why on earth your body decides to grow a mutant-hair about 4 times as thick as all of your other hairs every once in a while.⁶ Is your answer to look it up on WebMD? Be honest, that's what you were thinking. That's the natural inclination, after all. The Internet is a wonderful thing that helps everyone share information with the entire planet, and what is that information there for, if not to inform?

Stop. Stop right now. Seriously, I'm warning you: do NOT look up your weird ailments on WebMD. You see, according to WebMD, everything is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever. You can't plug in a symptom without getting something absolutely horrific in the results:

"What's that? You have difficulty breathing, you wheeze, and you have a dry cough all of the time? Let's just look this up here and...heart cancer. You have heart cancer. Also, pneumonia. Of the brain. There's not even a question of whether or not you're going to die, you absolutely are, it's just a matter of when at this point. And it's not even a long when. Tonight, probably; I'm kind of surprised you're still reading, now that I mention it. Don't even bother going to a doctor, it'll just make them start uncontrollably sobbing at your meager, grim existence. That's how bad off you are, you pathetic excuse for an organism."

And that was only slightly exaggerative.⁸ Seriously, stay far, far away from the Internet when it comes to biological oddities. Even when it's not something horrific in theory, there are pictures included. And when it comes to biological oddities, pictures are only ever horrific.

Speaking of the worst things ever, have you ever been the first person to finish a test in school?⁹ Ugh. What the heck are you supposed to do in that situation? I have never second-guessed and berated myself more than I have in the time between when I finished a test first and when the second guy finished his.

"How much longer until everyone else is going to finish their tests? Did I finish like 20 minutes faster than the next-fastest person, or 5? Because if it's 5, that's reasonable. If it's 20, however, did I finish so much faster because I'm an incredibly awesome genius and beat the crap out of the test (which has never ever happened in the history of my schooling) or is it because I suck at test-taking and I bombed this test? Should I go over my answers or something?¹⁰ What time is it? Crap, I finished it in like 10 minutes, that's definitely bad."

Horrible. I'm so glad I never have to do that ever again. School sucks, I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Whoo! Being an adult! Yea! Wait, what was this post about again?4



¹ Blogspot is limiting the number of tags I can add to a single post now, so I'm wondering if adding them in the actual post will work.^2
2 Funniest thing I've ever read. Read this now. Holy crap this blog is so funny I got abs from reading it. America is awesome. I love patriotism. America greatest country ever. Jesus. Puppies. Adorable kittens. Dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex with missile launchers attached to it. Hot singles.^3
3 What? Oh come on, I had to try at least one 'sexy people here' tag.^4
4 Warning. Reading this blog for too long will more than likely give you ADHD.
⁵ I'm almost certain the perma-ban I've put on iguanas to this site has worked.
⁶ Psh no, that totally hasn't ever happened to me.^7
7 ...
⁸ I wrote this on the Internet, so it has to be true.
⁹ What? Is that not a natural-enough transition? I'm doing my best here, okay?
¹⁰ If, at this point, I decided that I should look at my answers again, it only ever ended with me feeling like more of a failure because it never reassured me at all; instead, all it did was make me question everything ever. "Do I think this is correct because it actually is correct or is it because I've been conditioned to think it's correct?!? What does that even mean?! What does does even mean?!?! Aaaaaahhhh!"

PICTURE:⁴

Father, Son, I'm Father

Buuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

BUH BUUUUUUUUUU....

Okay, I'm gonna stop that right there. For those who like that song,¹ I apologize for stopping. Typing it out seemed like a much better idea in my head. No it didn't. It sounded like a terrible idea in my head, but hey you know what it's been 2 years since the last blog post so maybe stop complaining.⁵

Anyway, you may be wondering why I started this blog post with that one song from 2001: A Space Odyssey.⁶ If you are, then you must be a pop culture recluse or something because that song has been used literally⁷ every time someone has wanted to convey an epic moment in every movie and TV show since 2001.⁷ And this blog post that you are currently reading is by and large the most epic moment to occur in the last two years, except maybe for that post I made recently about the Facing the Giants movies that you should totally read if you haven't yet. What if I provided you with a really easy-to-navigate-to link? DANGIT MAN, JUST READ IT.

Ahem.⁸

So, as the title hints at,¹¹ we will be talking about children in our blog today. You see, my wife¹² is pregnant¹³ and I've been thinking about and discussing the topic of children a lot recently. Here are just some of my recent thoughts:

There's a certain kind of person that I simply don't understand. You'll hear about them in the news every so often because there's apparently way more of them than there should ever be out there. This kind of person is...okay you know what, screw beating around the bush, who in their right mind shakes a baby to make it stop crying?! How is this a common problem for people? Who, when presented with a tiny human who's brain has not yet developed to point of rational thought, thinks "Man, this baby sure is annoying me with its crying. If I shake him, I will be properly communicating to him that I would like for him to stop. Man, why isn't this working?" It's not working because...well, you're dumb. That's really the only way I can convey this to you in a way that you'll be able to understand. Because I understand when I'm interacting with someone who is clearly not on the same intellectual plane as myself and I can dumb things down for them if necessary.

There's another kind of person that I simply don't understand. Except in this case, by "person" I really mean "phrase."¹⁴ I really hate it when people tell a child "You're so cute I just wanna eat you up!" Really? That baby is so cute that it gives you the desire to resort to cannibalism? Let's forget the fact that cuteness and the desire to eat human flesh are completely and utterly...you know what, no, let's not forget that fact. Level of cuteness and the desire to consume human flesh for sustenance are two things that have no relation. At all. So this phrase in no way makes sense and never will. Unless the future sucks.¹⁵

For the last topic of today's post, I would like to discuss pregnancy. Pregnancy is a magical thing. Not because of the miracle of human life or anything sappy like that, but because pregnancy has this amazing ability to completely wipe a woman's brain of anything and everything negative that occurred during the nine months of pregnancy. I say this because I have met numerous women (my wife¹² included) who say that pregnancy wasn't all that bad. First and foremost, I refuse to believe that growing a tiny human inside of you and then expelling that human out of you, all Alien-style, is in any way anything but the worst. Second, I've seen firsthand that my wife's pregnancy has absolutely not been "not all that bad." So the next woman to tell me that pregnancy "wasn't terrible" is going to get called out. It has to happen. And if anyone dares to have the audacity to say that she "actually enjoyed it" is just going to get a blank stare until the memories come flooding back and she takes back her lies. Wow. That...was angry. I'm going to go lock myself in my room for a week or two. See you guys here when I get out.

Oh and I'm gonna send you to footnote #13 again here.¹³ Because seriously, pray for that girl. The man who writes this blog is going to be her father.



¹ It was SO clear which one it was.<sup>2

2</sup> WHAT. Yea. Check out that sexy, superscript 2. I figured out how to superscript! This means that figuring out my footnotes will be easier for my readers and that will forever mean that my footnote mazes will only be crazier.<sup>3

3</sup> Starting now. I am so, so very sorry.<sup>4

4</sup> No, I'm not.

⁵ I'm sorry. Please keep reading.

⁶ You know, the ONE song from that movie that anyone knows off the top of their head.

⁷ Not accurate.

⁸ I haven't posted in over 2 years, but worry not,⁹ nothing has changed.<sup>10

9</sup> Because that's what you were doing...

¹⁰ Desperate demanding that you read my work, the movie-quote title, and footnote mazes. See? Nothing has changed. At all. WELCOME BACK MY MINIONS.

¹¹ Not true, I just picked a random Holy Grail quote that happened to coincide with the topic for today's blog post.

¹² You: "Holy crap, Chris got married?!" Me: "Proof of a merciful and graceful Higher Being."

¹³ You: "Holy crap, Chris is having a kid?!?!" Me: "Pray. Just...just pray. Mostly for my almost-born little girl."

¹⁴ Shut up.

¹⁵ Andrea, typical teen in the year 2316: "Man, that baby really is cute!" Cute baby's parents: "Well, crap. Thanks Andrea."



Mandatory blog-concluding picture: