Pantyhose: the one article of clothing no man should ever have to wear. The physical torture a man would have to endure simply while putting them on would be unbearable to begin with, as countless leg hairs would be torn out, and that combined with the psychological torture one would undoubtedly have to face from their friends as a result of wearing them would be enough to drive Ted Bundy insane.*
Anyway, it is once again blog post time! I want to thank you all for your patience in waiting for this post, and would like to explain why it took so long for me to post again. I've been busy.*** Also, and I kind of hate to admit this, I have been short on blog topics recently. I know how fun and entertaining reading these blog posts are, but you must understand that it is not as easy (although just as fun and entertaining) to write it or to come up with topics to write about. And now we move on.
So, how 'bout them Panthers?! I know that it's still way too early to tell, but I'm thinking Super bowl, guys! Oh man, I can't wait to watch our playoff game next week! 14-2, baby!!††
Have any of you randomly flashed back to an event that happened to you years ago? I do this periodically and end up reliving a bunch of moments of my past. Sometimes I flashback to boring moments,††† other times I flashback to some embarrassing moment‡ that occurred way back in the day, and sometimes I'll flashback to an interesting event. Recently, I flashed back to an event that doesn't fall under any of those categories. I flashed back to a time when I wanted to play the game Connect Four.
I don't know what your history with Connect Four is, but when I was a kid it ranked right underneath God as being the greatest thing ever created.‡‡ It was especially admired worshiped at my church among the elementary school students, which was probably blasphemous. If you wanted to hang out with someone, you discussed the deeper meaning of life played Connect Four. If you were bored and had nothing else to do, you read your Bible played Connect Four. If you wanted to learn about God, you sat and had a deep theological discussion with your incredibly hot college-aged Sunday School teacher who I'm going to grow up and marry one day‡‡‡ played Connect Four. So there I was one Sunday, bored with nothing to do. My usual friends weren't there that day, so I asked some random kid if he wanted to play Connect Four. He said yes, which is good because I would have had to kill him and eat his liver if he had said no.††††
Once he had agreed to a game, I turned and ran to the box as fast as I could. I did this because whoever reached the box first could call what color they wanted to be. I found it odd when I got there that he had not rushed over at all. I called being red because, as was stated by the Universal Unspoken Law, red went first. We set up and I excitedly popped my first red chip in. Much to my surprise, this demon child moved the little blue thing at the bottom of the game, knocked my chip out, and then put one of his black chips in. I was confused. Perhaps, I thought, this poor social outcast doesn't have any friends and has never been asked to play a game of Connect Four. I'll enlighten him to the rules so that he doesn't have to go through this again.
"Red goes first," I explained. Then, in the dumbest accent I've ever heard, the kid responded with:
"Charcoal makes fire." Or at least that's what he meant to say. Due to his accent and his uncanny need to say everything obnoxiously loud, what heactually said was "CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!"
I was taken aback by this. Not only did I have no idea what he had just said, I still couldn't understand why he was trying to go first when he clearly wasn't red. It actually wasn't until my flashback that I realized what this kid was trying to argue. He was arguing that charcoal, which is black (ie his chip color), makes fire, which is red (ie my chip color). Therefore, because charcoal (his color) made fire (my color), he should go first. I know, what a loser, right? Anyway, like I mentioned, I had no clue what he had said, so I responded with "What?" and he responded with (no surprises here) "CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!" I still had no idea what he was talking about. Now, when we are children and we are attempting to argue something with someone using logic and they are arguing back using stupid, we are unsure of how to respond. As my friend Shannon Daniel pointed out, adults usually have the same predicament. So I, being completely confused and not completely sure how to respond, repeated myself.
"Red goes first," I explained, hoping he would get it. He looked at me for a moment, and then, in his infinite logical prowess, came back with...
"CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!"
At this point, I very frustratingly gave in to his stupidity and proceeded to hate that game of Connect Four. Freaking kid ruined my day.
When I flashed back to this recently I realized that this would have gone over quite differently had it happened to today. After trying to argue with me that CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR, I would come back with something similar to the following:
"Okay, look. One, red goes first. Red always goes first. Red always has gone first and red always will go first. It's like a law of the freaking universe or something. So, red goes first. Two, we're not at a freaking campsite, we're playing a game of Connect Four. Red goes first. Three, charcoal in and of itself does not make fire. Charcoal is the fuel for the fire, but the fire has to come from flint or matches or a lighter or something. If charcoal did spontaneously burst into flame as you are suggesting, making a run to the supermarket for a bag of charcoal for a barbecue would be a much more harrowing and life-threatening experience. So red goes first. And four, since you're apparently stupid, I know that the last three points have gone way over your head. So I'm going to bring things down to your level for a second. Using your logic, I could just as easily say 'FAR BERNS STUF AN' MAYKS IT BLAK!'‡‡‡‡ and therefore, red would go first. So. Red goes first."
Punk kid ruining my game of Connect Four. I should have slapped him. Or killed him and eaten his liver.
*This paragraph on pantyhose and why men shouldn't have to wear them is brought to you in part by Fox News.**
**Not true. It's pretty much just something that came to my demented mind while in the mountains of NC. Jake, Shannon, and Laura: yes, it is that one time you're thinking of.
***Don't believe me? Check out http://movies.interventionproductions.com/and http://www.interventionproductions.com/ for proof.† Yea, I've been busy.
†What shameless plug? By the way, feel free to subscribe to the movies blog for updates on recent Intervention Productions projects! Hooray!
††This entire paragraph was written as a result of severe denial. Please don't crush me by pointing out any slightly exaggerated statistics.
†††These flashbacks are kinda boring.
‡These aren't fun, either.
‡‡Absolutely contradictory to the Bible and everything in it.
‡‡‡Believe it or not, this sentence is completely fabricated.****
****Her name was Julie.
††††Part of the Connect Four Code that we wrote up.
‡‡‡‡For those who don't speak stupid, that is "Fire burns stuff and makes it black."
