"Hey guys! Is everyone excited tonight?!?!?!"
*Crowd gives a "meh" response.*
"I SAID....IS EVERYONE EXCITED TONIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Seriously, though, why do people do that? And why does the audience always appease them by screaming louder the second time around? If you're excited, scream the first time. Don't let that person up on stage manipulate you into living life the way they want you to. Sheesh.*
So, funny story. A few weeks ago, I was stopped behind a girl driving a BMW in the left-turn lane at Falls and Durant.** I happened to glance in her rear-view mirror*** and thought she might be checking me out. I couldn't tell if she was looking at me in the rear-view mirror or at the lights. Well, I got my answer soon enough. The left arrow turned green. Nothing happened. Grinning (since I was finally on the other side of this kind of awkward engagement), I nonchalantly pointed up at the light. She noticed the green arrow and turned. I laughed my head off. That had to be so awkward for her. I'm laughing even now as I type this.
...
I feel like I received much more enjoyment from this story than you guys did just now. I apologize.†
Anyway, you know what I don't get? Like at all? Women. Seriously, you guys†† are so confusing. You're constantly doing things that make no sense to me. Saying things like "Let's talk about feelings", or "What do you think about this" or "Please stop trying to contact me seriously I'm going to call the police."††† And then you do even weirder things. Like...you....cry. What is that? Guys, I have yet to figure out what to do with a crying woman. I default to one of two actions: I pat the girl on the head as awkwardly as possible, and if that doesn't work, I offer to buy her something shiny. If she's still crying at this point, I pretty much just give up and walk away. I can see my marriage now:
*Pats head quite awkardly. Wife continues crying. Glances around.*
Me: "Uh....do you....I could buy you a diamond?"
*Wife continues crying.*
Me: "Okay, you know what? I can't work with this. If you decide to be rational, I'll be in the gameroom playing Call of Duty."‡
Jeez. I had this one girl once have the audacity to tell me that guys were "just as complicated as women." She spit that "just" out like she had someone in mind, too. Why she was directing it at me is beyond me,‡‡ but probably beside the point. I got pretty annoyed with her. I was like "What?! No, we are not!" Seriously, can you believe this lady? When was the last time you saw a guy crying and thought "Man, that poor guy must be going through lots of...stuff." No. That never happens. If you see a guy crying, you know darn well it's for a perfectly good reason. Like his girl just left him. Or his dad died. Or he just had his ears ripped off. All of these things are very good reasons for crying. "Stuff" is not.
I then further explained that every guy on the face of this planet falls into one of two categories. When it comes to women, we're either 1) stupid, or 2) stupid jerks. That's it. We're either in the "Stupid Guys" group and hurt your feelings because we honestly just don't realize that what we're doing is leading you on, or we're in the "Stupid Jerk Guys" group and do things that even the dumbest guy knows not to do, i.e. saying "I love you" when we don't mean it. That's it. Two categories. Very simple. You have been enlightened.‡‡‡
Before I leave, I want to go on one more rant. I've been thinking about engagements recently.†††† Have you seen any chick flick ever? You know how the guy always proposes to the girl (most of the time after some lame fight) with some eloquently written speech that would make Nicholas Sparks tear up? Yea, that's a no. I'll be freaking out so bad and/or crying so hard that I'll be lucky to get the word "marry" out of my mouth. I might even shorten it more to just "me." Or "m." Which, by the way, wouldn't be romantic at all. So, future girlfriend/fiancée, this is your heads up. Also, as I confessed above, if you ever start crying I'll probably just leave you standing wherever you are to sort out your own problems.‡‡‡‡ Don't say I didn't warn you.
Peanut butter.
*Really, though, I think the reason I hate that so much is because clichés drive me crazy. Be creative and make life interesting for a change.
**For those who don't live here (since so many people read this blog that it probably has an international following by this point), it's a left turn here that sucks.
***If I'm going to be honest here, I was probably trying to check her out.
†This (should be) predictable at this point: I didn't mean that apology.
††Ladies, whatever.
†††...
‡If I get one message from someone who took this seriously, I will go on a punching spree. Starting with said person's face.
‡‡Another reason ya'll are confusing.
‡‡‡Take that, John Locke.****
****If you don't get this joke (i.e. if you're not Greg Lawrence), Google "enlightened John Locke".
††††Probably because every person alive has been getting engaged recently.
‡‡‡‡Okay, even I felt bad writing this. Man. I'm a bad person. But...I can make you laugh. That'll be my selling point. *Starts working on an ad campaign. For himself.*
...
Yea, I don't know, it's like three in the morning.
