I was speaking with a friend the other day about why we should always be smiling. After much conversing on the topic, I finally told him that I would never allow him to not smile unless he could give me 1 billion legitimate reasons for not smiling. He responded with "You know what, I'll give you two-point-seven billion reasons why I shouldn't smile. Avatar." Yea. I lost that battle.*
Anyway, have you guys seen any scary movie ever created? I have a question that I feel is quite appropriate. Why, for the love of all things holy, do people never turn on the lights when there are scary monsters around?? I mean, I understand that the monster will be there whether the lights are on or off,** but don't these people ever think that maybe it'd be a tad easier to run from it if they could see where it was?? I mean, honestly. "Oh man! There's a scary monster in the room with me!‡ I think my best hope for survival would be to keep the lights off so I can't freaking see where it is. That way, I can totally just run right into it since humans can't see in the dark!" This strategy, I've found, works the best when the monster can see in the dark.‡‡
And now for something completely different (again).‡‡‡
My family likes to go on a vacation at least once a year where it's just the seven of us.**** Our most recent vacation took us on a cruise ship to the Western Caribbean. The first day on this boat, we were reminded time and time again that we were invited to come to the top deck that night to celebrate the beginning of our voyage with a laser rock show. As in seriously. Laser. Rock. Show. My first thought was "Man, that'd be fun....if it were 19-freaking-80." My second thought was "I'd rather go eat." Because honestly, why else do you go on a cruise? Anyway, somehow or another we ended up going to the stupid laser rock show. It ended up being lamer than its name and we ended up leaving when women wearing skimpy white outfits appeared out of nowhere and started dancing around the stage, pretending to all be in a trance. I like to hope that this was considered odd even to those who had no problem objectifying said women, but, as I mentioned earlier, Avatar did make $2.7 billion worldwide so my hope for humanity was lost a while ago.
So after we left, we did what I wanted to do to begin with: we all got food. My brother Matt and I were the first two to get our plates, and we picked a table that (for some reason) was right near the door leading to the rock and the lasers. I sat down with my fries and had only been enjoying them for a few moments when a girl walked in from the rock show followed by two nerdy-looking guys. She spotted my brother and I and with a "Hey boooyyyyyyyzzzzz",†††† she began approaching. Oh, lovely. I earnestly prayed that she would just ask where I had gotten the fries and then walk away. My prayers were immediately answered with a no.
She got to our table and then lay down on it, pressing her chest against the table in what I can only assume was an attempt to be sexy. She failed. Partially because she wasn't hot and partially because her breasts were now right in front of my fries. Thank you, girl. Now I can't even take a fry without feeling dirty.
"My naaaaaaame's Kaaaaaaate." She told us.
I don't care... I thought. She then totally didn't introduce us to the nerds who were following her, maybe because she was too ashamed to admit that they were the best she could do.
"What.....are youuuur naaaammmeessssss?"
My, how nice of you to ask! My name is My Fries Are Getting Cold and this is my brother, Trying To Eat.
"Chris," I said.
"Matt," Matt said.
"What......are you guyyzz doing toniiight?"
I felt like saying "Uh....not you," but decided to instead go with the polite route, in which I told herexactly what we'd be doing that night. Hanging out with our parents. Yea. Mom and Dad win. This apparently finally got it into her head that my brother and I had no intention of sleeping with her, and she asked where I had gotten the fries. We saw her maybe 15 minutes later. She didn't have any fries, but she had another guy in tow. Yikes.
*In case you were wondering, yes. I thought of that diss and then invented a conversation between a friend and I in order to share it with you guys. *Hangs head and begins sobbing.*
**Thanks to my uncle Bryan for that quote. And he didn't even have to guess a quote to make it on here. In fact, he doesn't even know this blog exists!***
***Please note: this was not a slight on Stephanie Brown† so much as it is a big fat "my uncle's cooler than yours."††
†Who, by the way, just made it onto my blog again for the second time in a row. Oh snap!!
††You wanna argue this? Is your uncle mentioned by name in my blog? No. I win.†††
†††At this point in the footnote maze, if your brain is still intact/inside of your skull, you win 1 free internet. Congratulations.
‡I can tell because I hear that clicking noise that EVERY monster EVER makes!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5I1q4KhKNU - at 58 seconds.)
‡‡More on horror movies in another post.
‡‡‡Dang, I switch topics faster than high school kids switch soul mates.
****Heh, just the seven of us...
††††You know, because talking like you're always drunk makes you sexy.
