That...Is What Forgiveness Sounds Like.....Screaming, And Then Silence

Yes, that is exactly what forgiveness sounds like!* So all of you should probably scream for a bit and then get silent as you forgive me for not posting for over a month. The last month has been a busy one, folks.** I've been spread thin working on a short story and with helping my dad out at some of his houses as he prepares them for their next tenants. I've done more manual labor in the last few weeks than I have in a while and I'm feeling pretty good about it because I have not been able to do much physical activity at all since my surgery in December. But you're not here to read about that, now are you?***

So something interesting happened recently that I'll share with you before heading into the blog topic of the day. Mike Blackaby, who everyone knows is the most attractive man alive,† changed his phone number some time ago. I'm pretty sure I remember getting a text from him telling me that his number had changed, but chances are I forgot to change the number on my phone.†† Anyway, the the point here is that I was sending him text messages and not getting responses. This was deeply saddening to me,††† but last night I got his new number, texted him, and got a response. It was the second best night of my life.‡

Sorry, I needed to share that, it was quite an exciting story for me. If you don't like it, stop reading my blog. No.....don't stop reading my blog. Keep...keep reading. Please. And now onto the blog post!!

Have you ever been on the phone with someone and had to spell something out to them? Of course you have. I hate‡‡ doing that. I dread those moments more than I dread one day meeting my in-laws.**** You will always inevitably be forced to go with the "c as in cat" strategy because the idiot who named our letters was apparently being cute when he made them all sound exactly alike. Jerk. Anyway, the reason I hate this so much is because I never know what word to go with for each of the letters! I panic! For example, say I'm spelling out my brother's first name. My side of the conversation will go something like this:

"Uh.....ok......here...here we go. Are you ready? Because...because I'm ready. You are? Oh. Ok. Uh.....'M' as in......uh..........'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmat.'" *Nervous chuckle* "Ok, uh....'A' as in........uh.......'aaaapple'? Ok. 'T' as in......uhhhhhh..." *Nervously glances around room to find something that starts with 'T'. Coffee mug...no. Computer....no. Pterodactyl......close enough. "...'Pterodactyl.'" *Awkward pause* "What? Yea, Pterodactyl. No. No, not 'P'. Yes. No, I realize that 'Pterodactyl' actually starts with 'P,' but the 'P' is silent. Well...I was going with the firstsound. Oh yea? Well maybe....you...should....go with words that actually start with the letter....you know what nevermind. What? No, I am not just looking around my room to find things that start with the right letter! What's that? Oh yea, they make wonderful pets. They're kinda big, but once they learn that they need to fold their wings in to get through doorframes, they're actually pretty cool. No, they eat fish, actually. Yea, but like a lot of fish. Yea. Oh right, sorry. The last letter is also 'T' as in.....uuuuuhhhhhhhh....."

You see what I'm saying? It's just embarrassing and awkward. The worst part about all of this is that the dude (or dudette) on the other line is always a freaking master at doing it. They're all like ex-plane pilots or something because they fly†††† through it like it's not a problem at all for them and laugh at my stupidity while they do so.‡‡‡‡ Jerks.

One more quick thing I want to hit on before signing off for what will hopefully be less than a month this time is Microsoft's customer support. Every single time I call them, some dude who is definitely not from America answers and goes "Hello, my name is Mark, how can I help you?" Just once....just one time I want to bust out laughing over the phone and go: "Ok first of all, your name is not Mark!" I'll let you know if I ever get around to this.

*Probably not true.

**Actually true, believe it or not.

***Don't say yes. It's not funny or cute.

†Yea, I know he has serious competition from me, but I'm pretty sure he takes the cake. Of course, I'm kind of biased here.

††I don't remember my own birthday some days. So yea, this is actually serious.

†††There were a number of nights where I cried myself to sleep.

‡The best being the night I met him, of course.

‡‡Yea. Italics, bold, and underline. I'm making a statement here, albeit‡‡‡ not a very important one.

‡‡‡Which is actually pronounced "all-bee-it," apparently. I got made fun of for saying "all-bite" by the lovely Ms. Daniel. So make sure you don't pronounce it wrong or you might get harassed.

****Joke. Chill.

††††No pun intended, teehee.

‡‡‡‡Definitely not true.

Un foto:

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success

Okay so it's been like 3 weeks since my last post and I want to apologize to all of you, my adoring fans, for making you wait so long for your next awesomeness hit. The last few weeks have been busy ones, what with all of the video games I've been playing. I had three new games to get to - and those games weren't going to play themselves, you know. But I've finally gotten bored with those games, so here I am.* And yes, it is blog post time.

In this blog post, I have a number of serious and thought-provoking questions and situations** to pose to my readers. The first has to do with one of the greatest movie villains of all time. This villain has stood the test of time - he originated in a movie in 1977 and children today still tremble with fear at the mention of his name.*** This villain's greatest line is spoofed in every movie that includes a son who doesn't know the identity of his father. This villain...*pauses for dramatic effect...doesn't work since this is text and not spoken word*...is Mr. Freeze.† Oh wait, no. Darth Vader. This villain is Darth Vader.

Up until four years ago, Darth Vader was that scary guy who wore a mask to cover up his ugly (not-so-scary) egg head and who breathed while talking.†† But then, four years ago, the story of how an innocent boy††† turned into this greatly-feared man who could breathe while speaking‡ was revealed. I was watching this movie recently (on the way back from my cruise vacation) and began to get angry at Aanakin for not seeing through Sidious' lies. As I watched the movie, it became quite apparent to me that this Palpatine guy was very obviously Satan. I mean, come on. The guy spent more of his time telling half-truths and straight up lies than President Obama, for crying out loud! But then, thanks to a point made by my brother, Matt, I realized something. This poor freakin' guy's only crime was ditching the Jedi for Natalie Portman. Here's my first question for this blog post: what living male would not ditch the Jedi for Natalie Portman?! Guys, I have some bad news. Were any of us put into the same situation, we'd all be Darth Vader. Seriously, though, if Mace Windu got all up in my face and was like "It's us or her" I'd throw up two fingers on each hand and be like "Peace, homies." No hesitation or contemplation needed. And any man who tells you otherwise is probably lying. And now we move on to question two:

This one actually came to mind today. In the movie The Matrix,‡‡ the characters have to get to a phone in order to get out of The Matrix. This leads to a number of intense scenes where the characters have to race against the bad guys to get to the phone. If the bad guys get to them first, they die. If the bad guys get to the phone first and destroy it, our good guys are forced to run to another phone. All of this was incredibly intense and awesome while watching the movie, of course, but today a question that should have hit me long ago hit me:**** have these people never heard of cell phones?! They even carried them around with them all the time to talk with the operator dude! Think about how much easier it would make things:

Trinity: "Oh snap, operator guy, I need to get out of the Matrix."

Link: "Oh no problem, just hang up and I'll call you right back."

See how much easier that is?! No running to random phones that are always placed in the most inconvenient locations††††, no having to dodge bullets‡‡‡‡, and definitely no races against stupid agents who want to crush you while you're getting to the phone. And don't come telling me anything about how cell phones won't work and how it needs to be a landline or something. Cuz that's just a cop-out that the Wachowski brothers took to add more suspense to the movie.

Okay, so I'm done. And just a quick plea for help here: I find it quite difficult coming up with things to cover in these blog posts. I have no idea why that is difficult for me, seeing as it's never anything as serious as a heart attack,††††† but if any of you think of anything you think would be humorous, please message me.

*Not that my fans are second to video games or anything. *Gets nervous, chuckles.* I...I love you guys? *Begins dodging tomatoes.*

**If you still have to be told that statements like these are misleading, there's something wrong.

***Okay, so I'm the only person I know who actually trembles at the mention of his name, but misery loves company so shut up. Kids still recognize him, so I'm right.

†Teehee, Mr. Freeze. Seriously, could anyone come up with a lamer movie villain? "Iceto see you"?? Really? And who on Earth decided that Arnold Schwar.....uh....whatever...was a good actor??

††Which, by the way, is something that I want to perfect. How cool would I be if I could breathe and talk at the same time?? Don't lie, you think it'd be awesome, too.

†††Who, incidentally, is another person who can't act.

‡I am really hung up on this.

‡‡If you haven't seen The Matrix, this is not okay. You know the drill by this point: finish reading my blog post, maybe leave a comment,‡‡‡ then go rent the movie and watch it immediately. Classes, homework, a job, funerals, etc. are still not valid excuses.

‡‡‡Go ahead and leave a comment.

****REDUNANCYYYYYY.

††††I.E. The one direction that would put Agent Smith in your path.

‡‡‡‡Figuratively speaking, of course. Neo's the only one***** who can dodge bullets for real.

*****Teehee, get it? One? Cuz....cuz he's....the one? Okay I'm lame.

†††††Incorrect usage of the phrase "serious as a heart attack."

Picture, yo: