ATTENTION EVERYONE! I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A TERRIFYING AND SHOCKING NEWS REPORT, AND I ASK THAT YOU ALL LISTEN VERY CLOSELY!
I am awesome. That is all.*
Recently, I've become obsessed with the phrase "add insult to injury." It's such a wonderful phrase. It's like "not only are you on the floor bleeding profusely from the nose because I just punched you, but you're also a putrid pile of repulsive flesh. So there." Pure awesome. I hope to one day achieve the level of cool that is required to do this. And if I ever do, I'm going to go around doing it toeveryone.
I mentioned in my last post that we were going to be discussing horror movies in future posts. That is not happening. At least not in this post.
You know what I love?** Today's advertising. I watched this commercial where this incredibly attractive woman walks out of a shower wearing nothing but a towel...on her head...and walks over to this guy who's also (presumably) not wearing anything and starts making out with him. The camera pans back and just before they show naughty areas, the two change to very risque sillhouettes.*** Then, a brand of toothpaste fades onto the screen. As in the thing you clean your teeth with. As in the thing that has nothing to do with being naked, showering, and/or making out.† Yea, I'll let you figure that one out...
We're visiting my childhood again in today's blog post as we did when I recounted my Connect Four story to you. If you missed that one, it was a wonderful story. Compelling, and rich.††† In it, I studied the psyche of a young social outcast who did not even know the basics of the game Connect Four.‡ Today, we will be studying my own psyche‡‡‡ by taking a look at some dreams I used to have.
I used to have these dreams back before I was even 5 or 6, I think. I don't know what prompted me to remember said dreams this last week, but I never really know what makes my brain work. I just know that I switch topics in my brain faster than in my blog posts (see last week's post for a gauge on how fast I switch topics...read the comments for extra lolage††††), and that it'd probably be a very scary place for those who aren't used to it (ie anyone who's not me). The sheer concentration it would take just to keep up with the information being violently thrown at you would be too much for even this guy: http://infocus.redding.com/MediaItemView.aspx?id=59425.‡‡‡‡
Anyway...my dreams. Back when I was a kid, my brain would force me to share its distaste of awkward moments while I slept. The setting would usually be something along the lines of my entire family (parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles) listening to me share a story that ended up have a less-than-impressive ending. I'd end up finishing what I thought was an awesome story to a bunch of staring, expectant eyes belonging to people who didn't realize that I'd reached my punchline. The dream would always end with me (quite awkwardly) saying something like "......and that's......pretty much it" while I turned red.
Then, a hideous monster would burst out from a hiding spot and begin eating my family while I watched. I'm not making that up.
Then, a hideous monster would burst out from a hiding spot and begin eating my family while I watched. I'm not making that up.
*For those who are wondering: yes, that part with the caps was an Anchorman quote. For those who haven't seen Anchorman, please finish reading this and then watch it. My blog post titles will make a lot more sense.
**Please note severe sarcasm.
***.....that continue to make out.
†Unless you're incredibly odd. Okay, okay, I can kinda see how toothpaste and making out could be related. One without the other could potentially be very disgusting.††
††How do you spell buzzkill? S-o-m-e-o-n-e e-l-s-e-'s c-h-e-w-e-d f-o-o-d i-n y-o-u-r m-o-u-t-h. Yuuummmmm.
†††Yet another Anchorman reference. Seriously, go watch it.
‡Yea, I know the whole "pretending my blog is serious to mislead the reader" thing has gotten old, but I don't care. I wanna see you come up with something new to write about every other week.‡‡
‡‡Shut up. You were about to make a smart comment and you know it.
‡‡‡No, seriously. Think about it.****
****After you've read the story, Holmes.
‡‡‡‡Who, despite the title, does not look like he's concentrating at all, actually.
