Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
BUH BUUUUUUUUUU....
Okay, I'm gonna stop that right there. For those who like that song,1 I apologize for stopping. Typing it out seemed like a much better idea in my head. No it didn't. It sounded like a terrible idea in my head, but hey you know what it's been 2 years since the last blog post so maybe stop complaining.5
Anyway, you may be wondering why I started this blog post with that one song from 2001: A Space Odyssey.6 If you are, then you must be a pop culture recluse or something because that song has been used literally7 every time someone has wanted to convey an epic moment in every movie and TV show since 2001.7 And this blog post that you are currently reading is by and large the most epic moment to occur in the last two years, except maybe for that post I made recently about the Facing the Giants movies that you should totally read if you haven't yet. What if I provided you with a really easy-to-navigate-to link? DANGIT MAN, JUST READ IT.
Ahem.8
So, as the title hints at,11 we will be talking about children in our blog today. You see, my wife12 is pregnant13 and I've been thinking about and discussing the topic of children a lot recently. Here are just some of my recent thoughts:
There's a certain kind of person that I simply don't understand. You'll hear about them in the news every so often because there's apparently way more of them than there should ever be out there. This kind of person is...okay you know what, screw beating around the bush, who in their right mind shakes a baby to make it stop crying?! How is this a common problem for people? Who, when presented with a tiny human who's brain has not yet developed to point of rational thought, thinks "Man, this baby sure is annoying me with its crying. If I shake him, I will be properly communicating to him that I would like for him to stop. Man, why isn't this working?" It's not working because...well, you're dumb. That's really the only way I can convey this to you in a way that you'll be able to understand. Because I understand when I'm interacting with someone who is clearly not on the same intellectual plane as myself and I can dumb things down for them if necessary.
There's another kind of person that I simply don't understand. Except in this case, by "person" I really mean "phrase."14 I really hate it when people tell a child "You're so cute I just wanna eat you up!" Really? That baby is so cute that it gives you the desire to resort to cannibalism? Let's forget the fact that cuteness and the desire to eat human flesh are completely and utterly...you know what, no, let's not forget that fact. Level of cuteness and the desire to consume human flesh for sustenance are two things that have no relation. At all. So this phrase in no way makes sense and never will. Unless the future sucks.15
For the last topic of today's post, I would like to discuss pregnancy. Pregnancy is a magical thing. Not because of the miracle of human life or anything sappy like that, but because pregnancy has this amazing ability to completely wipe a woman's brain of anything and everything negative that occurred during the nine months of pregnancy. I say this because I have met numerous women (my wife12 included) who say that pregnancy wasn't all that bad. First and foremost, I refuse to believe that growing a tiny human inside of you and then expelling that human out of you, all Alien-style, is in any way anything but the worst. Second, I've seen firsthand that my wife's pregnancy has absolutely not been "not all that bad." So the next woman to tell me that pregnancy "wasn't terrible" is going to get called out. It has to happen. And if anyone dares to have the audacity to say that she "actually enjoyed it" is just going to get a blank stare until the memories come flooding back and she takes back her lies. Wow. That...was angry. I'm going to go lock myself in my room for a week or two. See you guys here when I get out.
Oh and I'm gonna send you to footnote #13 again here.13 Because seriously, pray for that girl. The man who writes this blog is going to be her father.
1 It was SO clear which one it was.2
2 WHAT. Yea. Check out that sexy, superscript 2. I figured out how to superscript! This means that figuring out my footnotes will be easier for my readers and that will forever mean that my footnote mazes will only be crazier.3
3 Starting now. I am so, so very sorry.4
4 No, I'm not.
5 I'm sorry. Please keep reading.
6 You know, the ONE song from that movie that anyone knows off the top of their head.
7 Not accurate.
8 I haven't posted in over 2 years, but worry not,9 nothing has changed.10
9 Because that's what you were doing...
10 Desperate demanding that you read my work, the movie-quote title, and footnote mazes. See? Nothing has changed. At all. WELCOME BACK MY MINIONS.
11 Not true, I just picked a random Holy Grail quote that happened to coincide with the topic for today's blog post.
12 You: "Holy crap, Chris got married?!" Me: "Proof of a merciful and graceful Higher Being."
13 You: "Holy crap, Chris is having a kid?!?!" Me: "Pray. Just...just pray. Mostly for my almost-born little girl."
14 Shut up.
15 Andrea, typical teen in the year 2316: "Man, that baby really is cute!" Cute baby's parents: "Well, crap. Thanks Andrea."
Mandatory blog-concluding picture:
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