This is long, I know. But it's worth it. Read or perish.
Ah, yes. Christmas-time. The time of the year where everyone's a little friendlier, the stars seem to shine a little brighter, and when we get a bunch of presents to celebrate someone else's birthday.* One of the greatest things about celebrating Christmas are the songs. November rolls around and people all start bickering and arguing about when playing Christmas songs is appropriate or moral.*** In the end, however, the result is the same: Christmas music being played through every speaker in America. While there are some Christmas songs that are just stupid and obnoxious,† most of them are bearable. The one song, however, that drives me insane each Christmas is, you guessed it,†† "Christmas Shoes." Even after watching Patten Oswalt's stand-up sketch about this horrible song, I still find some other things in this which are inexcusable.†††
The cashier mentioned in this song is a MASSIVE jerk. Think of the absolute worst person you can think of. Hitler? Hussein? Your mother-in-law?‡ All of these people look like Jesus compared to this cashier.‡‡ I'm going to take you through this song to show you how completely twisted and evil this cashier is and when I'm done, you'll be asking yourself the same question I've been asking myself for literally a year or two: how on Earth is this stupid song so popular, and how has no one noticed that this cashier is pure evil?! Okay. Verse 1:
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
Okay so, using our powers of observation, the first thing we notice is that this boy is pacing. He's nervous about something. It won't take long for us to figure out what it is that's freaking him out, but for right now we have a little innocent boy (who's probably adorable beyond all reason) holding a pair of shoes. The jerk has yet to enter the story, but there's no doubt that the putrid pile of repulsive flesh has noticed the boy at this point and is already concocting his evil scheme. In fact, from now on I'm referring to the cashier as PpORF (Putrid Pile of Repulsive Flesh‡‡‡). That's how seedy and low this guy is. Here's bridge 1:
His clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
As the songwriter continues to use his powers of observation, we notice that this helpless little lamb is wearing old, worn clothes and that he's "dirty from head to toe." So not only do his parents not have money to pay for new clothes or (apparently) running water, his entire family is so stupid that they aren't using the showers at the hospital his mother is staying at to keep clean (we learn about the hospital in the chorus). How much more helpless and innocent could this poor child be? He can't help that he's dumb...he's just a kid! So this poor little blue-eyed, blond-haired angel has a dying mother and a very stupid man for a father! *Begins tearing up.* We continue with the chorus, where the hapless child comes face-to-face with Satan himself:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
and I know these shoes will make her smile
and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
Let's continue to analyze, shall we? The first two lines shows that this kid, who doesn't have enough money (or a father with enough brains) to shower is spending the only amount of money he owns on a pair of shows for his mother. This obviously means that he loves his mother very much.
"Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time." His mother is so sick that she is literally about to die. She could die at any minute, so the poor unintelligent father tells his son to hurry and get the shoes before his motherkicks the freaking bucket.
"You see, she's been sick for quite a while." His mother has cancer. And is dying from said cancer as he speaks.
"And I know these shoes will make her smile and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight." Theological inconsistencies aside,**** this poor child has nothing to look forward to anymore but the fact that his mother will be meeting Jesus if she happens to breathe her last that night.
Alas, the poor dear has no idea who he's talking to. Anyone...and I meananyone with even a fraction of a heart would melt into nothing but a pathetic puddle if this adorable little angel sent from heaven said this to them. Not PpORF:
He counted pennies for what seemed like years
The cashier said "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and looked at me
PpORF counts out the coins†††† that this helpless innocent lays before him and, upon seeing that there isn't enough there, he gives an evil little grin as he begins filling up with the warmth and joy of knowing that this child won't be able to give his dying mother a goodbye Christmas gift. He turns and gleefully tells the child "Son, there's not enough here." He even mocks the boy by throwing in the word "son", as though he's on the child's side! Let me ask a question here to anyone who hasn't given up on reading yet: what, in all of the universe, could this demon be saving up for that is so important that he can't lay down a few bucks to help this kid out?! This evil, slimy, slithering demon from the depths of hell probably even smiled to himself as he watched the pure and blameless child before him begin frantically searching his pockets in a panic as he realized that he wasn't going to be able to give his dying mother even one gift.
What a sick, sick man. Thankfully, the writer of the song wasn't possessed by Satan himself, and he was able to help this spotless child out by giving him some cash. Hopefully, the child was able to get back to his mother before she ceased to exist to give her the shoes. Cuz we all know that if he didn't, and then tried to return the shoes, the cashier wouldn't have allowed him to return them. Stupid PpORF. Seriously, though, why is this freaking song so popular? Does no one see how horrible of a human being this cashier is? This guy probably watches the Discovery Channel just so he can revel in watching helpless bunny rabbits being eaten alive by leopards. I understand that good prevailed because the songwriter was there to help the child out and all that, but this isn't the story everyone seems to focus on. Instead, they ignore PpORF and the battle of good and evil that takes place completely.
So anyway, that's my beef with this terrible song. And, seriously, how have we gone 10 years without anyone mentioning this? Not okay.
*Yea. That's where my mind is. Strangers getting friendlier? Nope. Stars shining brighter?** Nope. Jesus? Nuh-uh. Getting presents? Yup. But wouldn't you agree that getting presents on everyone else's birthday would be so much cooler than getting presents on our own birthdays? I think yes. Agree.
**I'm pretty sure I made this one up anyway...
***Fundamentalists.... *sigh*
††Or at least if you're smart you did (see title for this post).
†††Note: "unexcusable" is not a word. Neither is "uncorruptable." Thanks to Chrome for pointing this out with it's friendly red underline.
‡To my future mother-in-law: I love you. The only reason I can think of for why everyone seems to hate their mother-in-law is that they don't have you as their mother-in-law.
‡‡I know this is borderline blasphemous...if it's taken seriously. So chill, crazies.
‡‡‡The second, lower-case, "p" is silent. Thanks to Tim Albury for this terminology.
****I.E. The fact that his mother isn't taking anything with her when she dies. His father's dumb, the poor child can't know the difference. If his father were intelligent, or read his Bible once in a while, they could have used the money on something more useful. LIKE A FREAKING SHOWER FOR HIS SON. Either way, the incorruptible††† child is buying his mother the only gift he will ever be able to buy her and this is adorable.
††††That's right. Coins. Which means he's been collecting for this gift for a long time now.
And, as usual, the picture has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the post. But it's still funny:
