Sheep's Bladders to Prevent Earthquakes

Good evening, my minions. Thank you for joining me in another addition of my totally awesome and cool and amazing and funny and hysterical and hilarious blog.¹

So have any of you ever had something biologically weird happening to you? You're all human,⁵ so of course you have. I'm not talking about anything serious, like "Hey, I think that's my lung." or anything like that, I'm talking about something just....odd. Something like "What...is this a hair? Growing out of my...forehead??"⁶ So it's something weird, but not something that seems like it needs to be dealt with immediately. What would you do in this situation? Even if you weren't even worried, but just mildly interested as to why on earth your body decides to grow a mutant-hair about 4 times as thick as all of your other hairs every once in a while.⁶ Is your answer to look it up on WebMD? Be honest, that's what you were thinking. That's the natural inclination, after all. The Internet is a wonderful thing that helps everyone share information with the entire planet, and what is that information there for, if not to inform?

Stop. Stop right now. Seriously, I'm warning you: do NOT look up your weird ailments on WebMD. You see, according to WebMD, everything is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever. You can't plug in a symptom without getting something absolutely horrific in the results:

"What's that? You have difficulty breathing, you wheeze, and you have a dry cough all of the time? Let's just look this up here and...heart cancer. You have heart cancer. Also, pneumonia. Of the brain. There's not even a question of whether or not you're going to die, you absolutely are, it's just a matter of when at this point. And it's not even a long when. Tonight, probably; I'm kind of surprised you're still reading, now that I mention it. Don't even bother going to a doctor, it'll just make them start uncontrollably sobbing at your meager, grim existence. That's how bad off you are, you pathetic excuse for an organism."

And that was only slightly exaggerative.⁸ Seriously, stay far, far away from the Internet when it comes to biological oddities. Even when it's not something horrific in theory, there are pictures included. And when it comes to biological oddities, pictures are only ever horrific.

Speaking of the worst things ever, have you ever been the first person to finish a test in school?⁹ Ugh. What the heck are you supposed to do in that situation? I have never second-guessed and berated myself more than I have in the time between when I finished a test first and when the second guy finished his.

"How much longer until everyone else is going to finish their tests? Did I finish like 20 minutes faster than the next-fastest person, or 5? Because if it's 5, that's reasonable. If it's 20, however, did I finish so much faster because I'm an incredibly awesome genius and beat the crap out of the test (which has never ever happened in the history of my schooling) or is it because I suck at test-taking and I bombed this test? Should I go over my answers or something?¹⁰ What time is it? Crap, I finished it in like 10 minutes, that's definitely bad."

Horrible. I'm so glad I never have to do that ever again. School sucks, I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Whoo! Being an adult! Yea! Wait, what was this post about again?4



¹ Blogspot is limiting the number of tags I can add to a single post now, so I'm wondering if adding them in the actual post will work.^2
2 Funniest thing I've ever read. Read this now. Holy crap this blog is so funny I got abs from reading it. America is awesome. I love patriotism. America greatest country ever. Jesus. Puppies. Adorable kittens. Dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex with missile launchers attached to it. Hot singles.^3
3 What? Oh come on, I had to try at least one 'sexy people here' tag.^4
4 Warning. Reading this blog for too long will more than likely give you ADHD.
⁵ I'm almost certain the perma-ban I've put on iguanas to this site has worked.
⁶ Psh no, that totally hasn't ever happened to me.^7
7 ...
⁸ I wrote this on the Internet, so it has to be true.
⁹ What? Is that not a natural-enough transition? I'm doing my best here, okay?
¹⁰ If, at this point, I decided that I should look at my answers again, it only ever ended with me feeling like more of a failure because it never reassured me at all; instead, all it did was make me question everything ever. "Do I think this is correct because it actually is correct or is it because I've been conditioned to think it's correct?!? What does that even mean?! What does does even mean?!?! Aaaaaahhhh!"

PICTURE:⁴

Father, Son, I'm Father

Buuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

BUH BUUUUUUUUUU....

Okay, I'm gonna stop that right there. For those who like that song,¹ I apologize for stopping. Typing it out seemed like a much better idea in my head. No it didn't. It sounded like a terrible idea in my head, but hey you know what it's been 2 years since the last blog post so maybe stop complaining.⁵

Anyway, you may be wondering why I started this blog post with that one song from 2001: A Space Odyssey.⁶ If you are, then you must be a pop culture recluse or something because that song has been used literally⁷ every time someone has wanted to convey an epic moment in every movie and TV show since 2001.⁷ And this blog post that you are currently reading is by and large the most epic moment to occur in the last two years, except maybe for that post I made recently about the Facing the Giants movies that you should totally read if you haven't yet. What if I provided you with a really easy-to-navigate-to link? DANGIT MAN, JUST READ IT.

Ahem.⁸

So, as the title hints at,¹¹ we will be talking about children in our blog today. You see, my wife¹² is pregnant¹³ and I've been thinking about and discussing the topic of children a lot recently. Here are just some of my recent thoughts:

There's a certain kind of person that I simply don't understand. You'll hear about them in the news every so often because there's apparently way more of them than there should ever be out there. This kind of person is...okay you know what, screw beating around the bush, who in their right mind shakes a baby to make it stop crying?! How is this a common problem for people? Who, when presented with a tiny human who's brain has not yet developed to point of rational thought, thinks "Man, this baby sure is annoying me with its crying. If I shake him, I will be properly communicating to him that I would like for him to stop. Man, why isn't this working?" It's not working because...well, you're dumb. That's really the only way I can convey this to you in a way that you'll be able to understand. Because I understand when I'm interacting with someone who is clearly not on the same intellectual plane as myself and I can dumb things down for them if necessary.

There's another kind of person that I simply don't understand. Except in this case, by "person" I really mean "phrase."¹⁴ I really hate it when people tell a child "You're so cute I just wanna eat you up!" Really? That baby is so cute that it gives you the desire to resort to cannibalism? Let's forget the fact that cuteness and the desire to eat human flesh are completely and utterly...you know what, no, let's not forget that fact. Level of cuteness and the desire to consume human flesh for sustenance are two things that have no relation. At all. So this phrase in no way makes sense and never will. Unless the future sucks.¹⁵

For the last topic of today's post, I would like to discuss pregnancy. Pregnancy is a magical thing. Not because of the miracle of human life or anything sappy like that, but because pregnancy has this amazing ability to completely wipe a woman's brain of anything and everything negative that occurred during the nine months of pregnancy. I say this because I have met numerous women (my wife¹² included) who say that pregnancy wasn't all that bad. First and foremost, I refuse to believe that growing a tiny human inside of you and then expelling that human out of you, all Alien-style, is in any way anything but the worst. Second, I've seen firsthand that my wife's pregnancy has absolutely not been "not all that bad." So the next woman to tell me that pregnancy "wasn't terrible" is going to get called out. It has to happen. And if anyone dares to have the audacity to say that she "actually enjoyed it" is just going to get a blank stare until the memories come flooding back and she takes back her lies. Wow. That...was angry. I'm going to go lock myself in my room for a week or two. See you guys here when I get out.

Oh and I'm gonna send you to footnote #13 again here.¹³ Because seriously, pray for that girl. The man who writes this blog is going to be her father.



¹ It was SO clear which one it was.<sup>2

2</sup> WHAT. Yea. Check out that sexy, superscript 2. I figured out how to superscript! This means that figuring out my footnotes will be easier for my readers and that will forever mean that my footnote mazes will only be crazier.<sup>3

3</sup> Starting now. I am so, so very sorry.<sup>4

4</sup> No, I'm not.

⁵ I'm sorry. Please keep reading.

⁶ You know, the ONE song from that movie that anyone knows off the top of their head.

⁷ Not accurate.

⁸ I haven't posted in over 2 years, but worry not,⁹ nothing has changed.<sup>10

9</sup> Because that's what you were doing...

¹⁰ Desperate demanding that you read my work, the movie-quote title, and footnote mazes. See? Nothing has changed. At all. WELCOME BACK MY MINIONS.

¹¹ Not true, I just picked a random Holy Grail quote that happened to coincide with the topic for today's blog post.

¹² You: "Holy crap, Chris got married?!" Me: "Proof of a merciful and graceful Higher Being."

¹³ You: "Holy crap, Chris is having a kid?!?!" Me: "Pray. Just...just pray. Mostly for my almost-born little girl."

¹⁴ Shut up.

¹⁵ Andrea, typical teen in the year 2316: "Man, that baby really is cute!" Cute baby's parents: "Well, crap. Thanks Andrea."



Mandatory blog-concluding picture:

(Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here)

"All right! I'm all settled in class/work and I'm ready to start being productive!"

*Opens Facebook.*

"Oh! I have a number of notifications this morning! Today is going to be a good day!"

*Begins clicking through notifications. Stops dead in his/her tracks.*

"Oh. My. Goodness. Could it be?"

*Vision homes in on the best notification he/she has received in 7 months: "Chris Sellek has tagged you in the note 'Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here'". He/she begins floating as he/she clicks on the notification and begins reading pure comedic bliss.*

"This is the best thing I've ever read in the last 7 months!"

- Excerpt from the life of every last one of you who were tagged in this note.*

So I read this article the other day** about how scientists were coming together to prove that life accidentally came from non-living matter by gathering a bunch of the world's most brilliant minds together and forcing it to happen. I think...uh....I think they missed something there. In fact, I think - and this may just be me being crazy again - that they're doing more to hurt their claim than help it:***

Incredibly brilliant scientist #1: "Aha! We have finally disproven creationsists' claims by showing once and for all that life absolutely can and did come from non-living matter, without the intervention of some intelligent being. We truly are amazing!"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2: "Yes indeed, Reginald, I agree with your statement wholeheartedly! We, two very intelligent beings, have finally proven...that...life can be created....without....the help...of.....hm."

Reginald: "Well. I'll be the first to say that this is awkward. But just because life came about with the help of intelligent beings this time doesn't mean it didn't do so at the beginning of time, am I right my dear boy?"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2, who will apparently be remaining nameless: "Ah!! You were aptly named up there when Chris referenced you as 'Incredibly brilliant scientist #1', Reginald! You areindeed an incredibly brilliant scientist!"

Reginald: "That I am, old chap! Come, let us drink to our success!"

Anyone in the world who thinks logically: "You guys are dumb."

Another interesting thought: have you ever wondered how difficult it must be for serial killers to find people who have similar interests? Seriously, what do they do? Do they wait until they find someone who kinda gives them the "I'm a serial killer, too" vibe and then try to drop hints or something? That could probably be awkward:

Serial killer looking to find friends: "So. What do you like to do in your spare time?"

Random, innocent civilian: "Oh you know, playing video games, reading, hanging out with my friends."

Serial killer: "Oh, that's nice. What...kind of video games do you like playing the most?"

Innocent civilian: "I like racing games and sports games, mostly. And I enjoy the occasional first-person shoo..." *Stops short because his conversational partner is now 1 inch away from his face.*

Serial killer: "I like first-person shooters, too. But I prefer the games where you can kill someone slowly with a small blade. Have you played Batman: Arkham City? I sure did like Victor Zsasz.† I thought it was so interesting how he scarred a tally into his skin every time he killed someone."

Innocent civilian: "Uh...yea, I played that." *Notices a few scars that could definitely be tallies on his quickly-losing-friendship-status friend's arm.* "I like...uh....Viva Piñata, too."††

*Innocent civilian clears throat awkwardly. Serial killer remains a mere inch from his face as he gets more and more uncomfortable.*

Serial killer: "Do you think you would like to come hang out with me at three in the morning some time? I think you and I could..."

Innocent Civilian: "I gotta go, my wife's calling me."

Ah yes, it's difficult being a serial killer. I mean...uh....it would be difficult. If....uh...I gotta go, my wife's calling me.†††

*I was gonna do an excerpt from anyone who accidentally stumbled upon the note in my timeline or on their news feed in addition to this, but I figured it would kinda be a waste of space since it'd basically be the same thing with one or two minor changes.

**"The other day" being October, when I still had a very blog-posting mindset and was still writing down blog post ideas as they came to mind.

***Please read the following two scientists' voices in British accents. If you do it out loud, it makes the whole experience even more fun.

†For those who don't know, Zsasz is a twisted serial killer in the Batman universe who scars a tally into his skin whenever he kills someone.

††Children's game that involves breaking Piñatas or something incredibly innocent and non-serial-killer-esque like that.

†††Obviously not true because Chris isn't married.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success

Okay so it's been like 3 weeks since my last post and I want to apologize to all of you, my adoring fans, for making you wait so long for your next awesomeness hit. The last few weeks have been busy ones, what with all of the video games I've been playing. I had three new games to get to - and those games weren't going to play themselves, you know. But I've finally gotten bored with those games, so here I am.* And yes, it is blog post time.

In this blog post, I have a number of serious and thought-provoking questions and situations** to pose to my readers. The first has to do with one of the greatest movie villains of all time. This villain has stood the test of time - he originated in a movie in 1977 and children today still tremble with fear at the mention of his name.*** This villain's greatest line is spoofed in every movie that includes a son who doesn't know the identity of his father. This villain...*pauses for dramatic effect...doesn't work since this is text and not spoken word*...is Mr. Freeze.† Oh wait, no. Darth Vader. This villain is Darth Vader.

Up until four years ago, Darth Vader was that scary guy who wore a mask to cover up his ugly (not-so-scary) egg head and who breathed while talking.†† But then, four years ago, the story of how an innocent boy††† turned into this greatly-feared man who could breathe while speaking‡ was revealed. I was watching this movie recently (on the way back from my cruise vacation) and began to get angry at Aanakin for not seeing through Sidious' lies. As I watched the movie, it became quite apparent to me that this Palpatine guy was very obviously Satan. I mean, come on. The guy spent more of his time telling half-truths and straight up lies than President Obama, for crying out loud! But then, thanks to a point made by my brother, Matt, I realized something. This poor freakin' guy's only crime was ditching the Jedi for Natalie Portman. Here's my first question for this blog post: what living male would not ditch the Jedi for Natalie Portman?! Guys, I have some bad news. Were any of us put into the same situation, we'd all be Darth Vader. Seriously, though, if Mace Windu got all up in my face and was like "It's us or her" I'd throw up two fingers on each hand and be like "Peace, homies." No hesitation or contemplation needed. And any man who tells you otherwise is probably lying. And now we move on to question two:

This one actually came to mind today. In the movie The Matrix,‡‡ the characters have to get to a phone in order to get out of The Matrix. This leads to a number of intense scenes where the characters have to race against the bad guys to get to the phone. If the bad guys get to them first, they die. If the bad guys get to the phone first and destroy it, our good guys are forced to run to another phone. All of this was incredibly intense and awesome while watching the movie, of course, but today a question that should have hit me long ago hit me:**** have these people never heard of cell phones?! They even carried them around with them all the time to talk with the operator dude! Think about how much easier it would make things:

Trinity: "Oh snap, operator guy, I need to get out of the Matrix."

Link: "Oh no problem, just hang up and I'll call you right back."

See how much easier that is?! No running to random phones that are always placed in the most inconvenient locations††††, no having to dodge bullets‡‡‡‡, and definitely no races against stupid agents who want to crush you while you're getting to the phone. And don't come telling me anything about how cell phones won't work and how it needs to be a landline or something. Cuz that's just a cop-out that the Wachowski brothers took to add more suspense to the movie.

Okay, so I'm done. And just a quick plea for help here: I find it quite difficult coming up with things to cover in these blog posts. I have no idea why that is difficult for me, seeing as it's never anything as serious as a heart attack,††††† but if any of you think of anything you think would be humorous, please message me.

*Not that my fans are second to video games or anything. *Gets nervous, chuckles.* I...I love you guys? *Begins dodging tomatoes.*

**If you still have to be told that statements like these are misleading, there's something wrong.

***Okay, so I'm the only person I know who actually trembles at the mention of his name, but misery loves company so shut up. Kids still recognize him, so I'm right.

†Teehee, Mr. Freeze. Seriously, could anyone come up with a lamer movie villain? "Iceto see you"?? Really? And who on Earth decided that Arnold Schwar.....uh....whatever...was a good actor??

††Which, by the way, is something that I want to perfect. How cool would I be if I could breathe and talk at the same time?? Don't lie, you think it'd be awesome, too.

†††Who, incidentally, is another person who can't act.

‡I am really hung up on this.

‡‡If you haven't seen The Matrix, this is not okay. You know the drill by this point: finish reading my blog post, maybe leave a comment,‡‡‡ then go rent the movie and watch it immediately. Classes, homework, a job, funerals, etc. are still not valid excuses.

‡‡‡Go ahead and leave a comment.

****REDUNANCYYYYYY.

††††I.E. The one direction that would put Agent Smith in your path.

‡‡‡‡Figuratively speaking, of course. Neo's the only one***** who can dodge bullets for real.

*****Teehee, get it? One? Cuz....cuz he's....the one? Okay I'm lame.

†††††Incorrect usage of the phrase "serious as a heart attack."

Picture, yo: