What's That? You Say We're on Right Now?

........I don't believe you.¹

So hey everyone. Welcome to another addition of pure awesome. Are you ready for the best 10 minutes of the next two weeks? If you're a slow reader, it'll be even longer than that! Yea! This blog is so great! Cat GIFs! The Constitution! Raptors! Inordinate amounts of cash! Whoo!²

I recently made a post on Reddit that seemed to get much attention and so I figured I'd share my thoughts here as well. Why is that, in 2014, I can't get people to just give me an address to wherever it is I'm going? Once again, it is currently the year 2014. That's two, zero, one, four. I hold, in my pocket, a computer more powerful than the one that took man to the moon.⁵ Why, then, does everyone who knows my desired location insist on giving me directions? Every single freaking time:

Them: "Hey, do you need directions to our friend's house for the axe-sharpening get-together?"

Me: "No, I'm actually really bad with directions and I have a terrible memory, just give me the address."

Them: "No, it's really easy, listen!"

No. I'm not lying to you, "Them", I'm actually very very bad with directions and I have a horrible memory. I don't care how easy you think it is, just give me the address and I'll plug it into my personal supercomputer that was made exactly for situations such as this and it'll tell me how to get there.

I always end up politely ignoring them completely when this happens while they explain their ridiculous directions using just landmarks and no street names and which invariably include stupid instructions 47 steps in such as "If you get to the stadium, you've gone too far." Hey, Them, I wouldn't even get too far to begin with if my phone was actively telling me how to get there as I traveled. Amazing thing, this technology.

And if you're ever lucky enough that they actually give you the address after you tell them that directions aren't your "thing", don't get too excited. You know why? Because they're about to tell you the directions anyway. Why are they about to give you the directions even though they just gave you the address for the sole purpose of getting you to your destination without using directions? BECAUSE REASONS OKAY.

For those reading who are the aforementioned "Them",⁷ don't try to explain yourselves. There's no good reason behind this. "Oh, but the GPS will take you this weird way. It'll make you..." I'm sorry, but I'm going to stop you because your argument already doesn't make sense. I don't use a GPS to get me from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible, I use a GPS to get me from point A to point B at all because I'm directionally challenged. If I am unsure of my destination's location and I am able to get from where I currently am to there, we can mark a tally in the win column for me because I just won the game.⁹ I'd rather it take me 10 more minutes to get to where I'm going because I'm using a GPS and it sometimes doesn't think exactly like a human than get lost and end up getting shot because I ended up in Durham when I was trying to get to the beach.¹⁰

So. If I ask you for an address to get somewhere, please...just give me the address. You'll be saving both of us a whole lot of time. Also, I won't get shot because of you. And if I did get shot because of you, I would totally haunt you, which would really suck because I'd just constantly pitch you my next "totally awesome and hilarious and ingenious and comic genius"² blog post idea. More than likely while you tried to sleep. And it wouldn't even matter if you tried sleeping during the day or something to throw me off because I'd be a ghost and I'm at least 27% certain that ghosts don't sleep.¹¹

¹ Don't understand? Your fault. I've undoubtedly told you to watch Anchorman countless times on this blog already.

² I'll stop making this joke when you prove that this doesn't actually work.³

³ Don't understand? Your fault. Should have read my last post.⁴

⁴ Yea, that was a plug. For myself. And guess what else? I HAVE NO SHAME.

⁵ This is not an exaggeration.⁶

⁶ No, seriously. I know this is my blog and the word "seriously" is carelessly tossed around and brutally abused like a pterodactyl who stopped being a cool pet forever ago, but this one is actually, seriously serious (see point 2).

⁷ I have such a massive audience, there's bound to be at least one or two of you reading.⁸

⁸ Here's looking at you, Jake.

⁹ And, unfortunately for you, you've just lost it.

¹⁰ I live in Wake Forest.

¹¹ I don't...know very much about ghosts.

The picture. Because this is probably what most of you actually come here for.

Father, Son, I'm Father

Buuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

BUH BUUUUUUUUUU....

Okay, I'm gonna stop that right there. For those who like that song,¹ I apologize for stopping. Typing it out seemed like a much better idea in my head. No it didn't. It sounded like a terrible idea in my head, but hey you know what it's been 2 years since the last blog post so maybe stop complaining.⁵

Anyway, you may be wondering why I started this blog post with that one song from 2001: A Space Odyssey.⁶ If you are, then you must be a pop culture recluse or something because that song has been used literally⁷ every time someone has wanted to convey an epic moment in every movie and TV show since 2001.⁷ And this blog post that you are currently reading is by and large the most epic moment to occur in the last two years, except maybe for that post I made recently about the Facing the Giants movies that you should totally read if you haven't yet. What if I provided you with a really easy-to-navigate-to link? DANGIT MAN, JUST READ IT.

Ahem.⁸

So, as the title hints at,¹¹ we will be talking about children in our blog today. You see, my wife¹² is pregnant¹³ and I've been thinking about and discussing the topic of children a lot recently. Here are just some of my recent thoughts:

There's a certain kind of person that I simply don't understand. You'll hear about them in the news every so often because there's apparently way more of them than there should ever be out there. This kind of person is...okay you know what, screw beating around the bush, who in their right mind shakes a baby to make it stop crying?! How is this a common problem for people? Who, when presented with a tiny human who's brain has not yet developed to point of rational thought, thinks "Man, this baby sure is annoying me with its crying. If I shake him, I will be properly communicating to him that I would like for him to stop. Man, why isn't this working?" It's not working because...well, you're dumb. That's really the only way I can convey this to you in a way that you'll be able to understand. Because I understand when I'm interacting with someone who is clearly not on the same intellectual plane as myself and I can dumb things down for them if necessary.

There's another kind of person that I simply don't understand. Except in this case, by "person" I really mean "phrase."¹⁴ I really hate it when people tell a child "You're so cute I just wanna eat you up!" Really? That baby is so cute that it gives you the desire to resort to cannibalism? Let's forget the fact that cuteness and the desire to eat human flesh are completely and utterly...you know what, no, let's not forget that fact. Level of cuteness and the desire to consume human flesh for sustenance are two things that have no relation. At all. So this phrase in no way makes sense and never will. Unless the future sucks.¹⁵

For the last topic of today's post, I would like to discuss pregnancy. Pregnancy is a magical thing. Not because of the miracle of human life or anything sappy like that, but because pregnancy has this amazing ability to completely wipe a woman's brain of anything and everything negative that occurred during the nine months of pregnancy. I say this because I have met numerous women (my wife¹² included) who say that pregnancy wasn't all that bad. First and foremost, I refuse to believe that growing a tiny human inside of you and then expelling that human out of you, all Alien-style, is in any way anything but the worst. Second, I've seen firsthand that my wife's pregnancy has absolutely not been "not all that bad." So the next woman to tell me that pregnancy "wasn't terrible" is going to get called out. It has to happen. And if anyone dares to have the audacity to say that she "actually enjoyed it" is just going to get a blank stare until the memories come flooding back and she takes back her lies. Wow. That...was angry. I'm going to go lock myself in my room for a week or two. See you guys here when I get out.

Oh and I'm gonna send you to footnote #13 again here.¹³ Because seriously, pray for that girl. The man who writes this blog is going to be her father.



¹ It was SO clear which one it was.<sup>2

2</sup> WHAT. Yea. Check out that sexy, superscript 2. I figured out how to superscript! This means that figuring out my footnotes will be easier for my readers and that will forever mean that my footnote mazes will only be crazier.<sup>3

3</sup> Starting now. I am so, so very sorry.<sup>4

4</sup> No, I'm not.

⁵ I'm sorry. Please keep reading.

⁶ You know, the ONE song from that movie that anyone knows off the top of their head.

⁷ Not accurate.

⁸ I haven't posted in over 2 years, but worry not,⁹ nothing has changed.<sup>10

9</sup> Because that's what you were doing...

¹⁰ Desperate demanding that you read my work, the movie-quote title, and footnote mazes. See? Nothing has changed. At all. WELCOME BACK MY MINIONS.

¹¹ Not true, I just picked a random Holy Grail quote that happened to coincide with the topic for today's blog post.

¹² You: "Holy crap, Chris got married?!" Me: "Proof of a merciful and graceful Higher Being."

¹³ You: "Holy crap, Chris is having a kid?!?!" Me: "Pray. Just...just pray. Mostly for my almost-born little girl."

¹⁴ Shut up.

¹⁵ Andrea, typical teen in the year 2316: "Man, that baby really is cute!" Cute baby's parents: "Well, crap. Thanks Andrea."



Mandatory blog-concluding picture:

(Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here)

"All right! I'm all settled in class/work and I'm ready to start being productive!"

*Opens Facebook.*

"Oh! I have a number of notifications this morning! Today is going to be a good day!"

*Begins clicking through notifications. Stops dead in his/her tracks.*

"Oh. My. Goodness. Could it be?"

*Vision homes in on the best notification he/she has received in 7 months: "Chris Sellek has tagged you in the note 'Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here'". He/she begins floating as he/she clicks on the notification and begins reading pure comedic bliss.*

"This is the best thing I've ever read in the last 7 months!"

- Excerpt from the life of every last one of you who were tagged in this note.*

So I read this article the other day** about how scientists were coming together to prove that life accidentally came from non-living matter by gathering a bunch of the world's most brilliant minds together and forcing it to happen. I think...uh....I think they missed something there. In fact, I think - and this may just be me being crazy again - that they're doing more to hurt their claim than help it:***

Incredibly brilliant scientist #1: "Aha! We have finally disproven creationsists' claims by showing once and for all that life absolutely can and did come from non-living matter, without the intervention of some intelligent being. We truly are amazing!"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2: "Yes indeed, Reginald, I agree with your statement wholeheartedly! We, two very intelligent beings, have finally proven...that...life can be created....without....the help...of.....hm."

Reginald: "Well. I'll be the first to say that this is awkward. But just because life came about with the help of intelligent beings this time doesn't mean it didn't do so at the beginning of time, am I right my dear boy?"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2, who will apparently be remaining nameless: "Ah!! You were aptly named up there when Chris referenced you as 'Incredibly brilliant scientist #1', Reginald! You areindeed an incredibly brilliant scientist!"

Reginald: "That I am, old chap! Come, let us drink to our success!"

Anyone in the world who thinks logically: "You guys are dumb."

Another interesting thought: have you ever wondered how difficult it must be for serial killers to find people who have similar interests? Seriously, what do they do? Do they wait until they find someone who kinda gives them the "I'm a serial killer, too" vibe and then try to drop hints or something? That could probably be awkward:

Serial killer looking to find friends: "So. What do you like to do in your spare time?"

Random, innocent civilian: "Oh you know, playing video games, reading, hanging out with my friends."

Serial killer: "Oh, that's nice. What...kind of video games do you like playing the most?"

Innocent civilian: "I like racing games and sports games, mostly. And I enjoy the occasional first-person shoo..." *Stops short because his conversational partner is now 1 inch away from his face.*

Serial killer: "I like first-person shooters, too. But I prefer the games where you can kill someone slowly with a small blade. Have you played Batman: Arkham City? I sure did like Victor Zsasz.† I thought it was so interesting how he scarred a tally into his skin every time he killed someone."

Innocent civilian: "Uh...yea, I played that." *Notices a few scars that could definitely be tallies on his quickly-losing-friendship-status friend's arm.* "I like...uh....Viva Piñata, too."††

*Innocent civilian clears throat awkwardly. Serial killer remains a mere inch from his face as he gets more and more uncomfortable.*

Serial killer: "Do you think you would like to come hang out with me at three in the morning some time? I think you and I could..."

Innocent Civilian: "I gotta go, my wife's calling me."

Ah yes, it's difficult being a serial killer. I mean...uh....it would be difficult. If....uh...I gotta go, my wife's calling me.†††

*I was gonna do an excerpt from anyone who accidentally stumbled upon the note in my timeline or on their news feed in addition to this, but I figured it would kinda be a waste of space since it'd basically be the same thing with one or two minor changes.

**"The other day" being October, when I still had a very blog-posting mindset and was still writing down blog post ideas as they came to mind.

***Please read the following two scientists' voices in British accents. If you do it out loud, it makes the whole experience even more fun.

†For those who don't know, Zsasz is a twisted serial killer in the Batman universe who scars a tally into his skin whenever he kills someone.

††Children's game that involves breaking Piñatas or something incredibly innocent and non-serial-killer-esque like that.

†††Obviously not true because Chris isn't married.