Okay so it's been like 3 weeks since my last post and I want to apologize to all of you, my adoring fans, for making you wait so long for your next awesomeness hit. The last few weeks have been busy ones, what with all of the video games I've been playing. I had three new games to get to - and those games weren't going to play themselves, you know. But I've finally gotten bored with those games, so here I am.* And yes, it is blog post time.
In this blog post, I have a number of serious and thought-provoking questions and situations** to pose to my readers. The first has to do with one of the greatest movie villains of all time. This villain has stood the test of time - he originated in a movie in 1977 and children today still tremble with fear at the mention of his name.*** This villain's greatest line is spoofed in every movie that includes a son who doesn't know the identity of his father. This villain...*pauses for dramatic effect...doesn't work since this is text and not spoken word*...is Mr. Freeze.† Oh wait, no. Darth Vader. This villain is Darth Vader.
Up until four years ago, Darth Vader was that scary guy who wore a mask to cover up his ugly (not-so-scary) egg head and who breathed while talking.†† But then, four years ago, the story of how an innocent boy††† turned into this greatly-feared man who could breathe while speaking‡ was revealed. I was watching this movie recently (on the way back from my cruise vacation) and began to get angry at Aanakin for not seeing through Sidious' lies. As I watched the movie, it became quite apparent to me that this Palpatine guy was very obviously Satan. I mean, come on. The guy spent more of his time telling half-truths and straight up lies than President Obama, for crying out loud! But then, thanks to a point made by my brother, Matt, I realized something. This poor freakin' guy's only crime was ditching the Jedi for Natalie Portman. Here's my first question for this blog post: what living male would not ditch the Jedi for Natalie Portman?! Guys, I have some bad news. Were any of us put into the same situation, we'd all be Darth Vader. Seriously, though, if Mace Windu got all up in my face and was like "It's us or her" I'd throw up two fingers on each hand and be like "Peace, homies." No hesitation or contemplation needed. And any man who tells you otherwise is probably lying. And now we move on to question two:
This one actually came to mind today. In the movie The Matrix,‡‡ the characters have to get to a phone in order to get out of The Matrix. This leads to a number of intense scenes where the characters have to race against the bad guys to get to the phone. If the bad guys get to them first, they die. If the bad guys get to the phone first and destroy it, our good guys are forced to run to another phone. All of this was incredibly intense and awesome while watching the movie, of course, but today a question that should have hit me long ago hit me:**** have these people never heard of cell phones?! They even carried them around with them all the time to talk with the operator dude! Think about how much easier it would make things:
Trinity: "Oh snap, operator guy, I need to get out of the Matrix."
Link: "Oh no problem, just hang up and I'll call you right back."
See how much easier that is?! No running to random phones that are always placed in the most inconvenient locations††††, no having to dodge bullets‡‡‡‡, and definitely no races against stupid agents who want to crush you while you're getting to the phone. And don't come telling me anything about how cell phones won't work and how it needs to be a landline or something. Cuz that's just a cop-out that the Wachowski brothers took to add more suspense to the movie.
Okay, so I'm done. And just a quick plea for help here: I find it quite difficult coming up with things to cover in these blog posts. I have no idea why that is difficult for me, seeing as it's never anything as serious as a heart attack,††††† but if any of you think of anything you think would be humorous, please message me.
*Not that my fans are second to video games or anything. *Gets nervous, chuckles.* I...I love you guys? *Begins dodging tomatoes.*
**If you still have to be told that statements like these are misleading, there's something wrong.
***Okay, so I'm the only person I know who actually trembles at the mention of his name, but misery loves company so shut up. Kids still recognize him, so I'm right.
†Teehee, Mr. Freeze. Seriously, could anyone come up with a lamer movie villain? "Iceto see you"?? Really? And who on Earth decided that Arnold Schwar.....uh....whatever...was a good actor??
††Which, by the way, is something that I want to perfect. How cool would I be if I could breathe and talk at the same time?? Don't lie, you think it'd be awesome, too.
†††Who, incidentally, is another person who can't act.
‡I am really hung up on this.
‡‡If you haven't seen The Matrix, this is not okay. You know the drill by this point: finish reading my blog post, maybe leave a comment,‡‡‡ then go rent the movie and watch it immediately. Classes, homework, a job, funerals, etc. are still not valid excuses.
‡‡‡Go ahead and leave a comment.
****REDUNANCYYYYYY.
††††I.E. The one direction that would put Agent Smith in your path.
‡‡‡‡Figuratively speaking, of course. Neo's the only one***** who can dodge bullets for real.
*****Teehee, get it? One? Cuz....cuz he's....the one? Okay I'm lame.
†††††Incorrect usage of the phrase "serious as a heart attack."
Picture, yo:
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