Sheep's Bladders to Prevent Earthquakes

Good evening, my minions. Thank you for joining me in another addition of my totally awesome and cool and amazing and funny and hysterical and hilarious blog.¹

So have any of you ever had something biologically weird happening to you? You're all human,⁵ so of course you have. I'm not talking about anything serious, like "Hey, I think that's my lung." or anything like that, I'm talking about something just....odd. Something like "What...is this a hair? Growing out of my...forehead??"⁶ So it's something weird, but not something that seems like it needs to be dealt with immediately. What would you do in this situation? Even if you weren't even worried, but just mildly interested as to why on earth your body decides to grow a mutant-hair about 4 times as thick as all of your other hairs every once in a while.⁶ Is your answer to look it up on WebMD? Be honest, that's what you were thinking. That's the natural inclination, after all. The Internet is a wonderful thing that helps everyone share information with the entire planet, and what is that information there for, if not to inform?

Stop. Stop right now. Seriously, I'm warning you: do NOT look up your weird ailments on WebMD. You see, according to WebMD, everything is the worst thing to ever happen to any person ever. You can't plug in a symptom without getting something absolutely horrific in the results:

"What's that? You have difficulty breathing, you wheeze, and you have a dry cough all of the time? Let's just look this up here and...heart cancer. You have heart cancer. Also, pneumonia. Of the brain. There's not even a question of whether or not you're going to die, you absolutely are, it's just a matter of when at this point. And it's not even a long when. Tonight, probably; I'm kind of surprised you're still reading, now that I mention it. Don't even bother going to a doctor, it'll just make them start uncontrollably sobbing at your meager, grim existence. That's how bad off you are, you pathetic excuse for an organism."

And that was only slightly exaggerative.⁸ Seriously, stay far, far away from the Internet when it comes to biological oddities. Even when it's not something horrific in theory, there are pictures included. And when it comes to biological oddities, pictures are only ever horrific.

Speaking of the worst things ever, have you ever been the first person to finish a test in school?⁹ Ugh. What the heck are you supposed to do in that situation? I have never second-guessed and berated myself more than I have in the time between when I finished a test first and when the second guy finished his.

"How much longer until everyone else is going to finish their tests? Did I finish like 20 minutes faster than the next-fastest person, or 5? Because if it's 5, that's reasonable. If it's 20, however, did I finish so much faster because I'm an incredibly awesome genius and beat the crap out of the test (which has never ever happened in the history of my schooling) or is it because I suck at test-taking and I bombed this test? Should I go over my answers or something?¹⁰ What time is it? Crap, I finished it in like 10 minutes, that's definitely bad."

Horrible. I'm so glad I never have to do that ever again. School sucks, I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Whoo! Being an adult! Yea! Wait, what was this post about again?4



¹ Blogspot is limiting the number of tags I can add to a single post now, so I'm wondering if adding them in the actual post will work.^2
2 Funniest thing I've ever read. Read this now. Holy crap this blog is so funny I got abs from reading it. America is awesome. I love patriotism. America greatest country ever. Jesus. Puppies. Adorable kittens. Dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex with missile launchers attached to it. Hot singles.^3
3 What? Oh come on, I had to try at least one 'sexy people here' tag.^4
4 Warning. Reading this blog for too long will more than likely give you ADHD.
⁵ I'm almost certain the perma-ban I've put on iguanas to this site has worked.
⁶ Psh no, that totally hasn't ever happened to me.^7
7 ...
⁸ I wrote this on the Internet, so it has to be true.
⁹ What? Is that not a natural-enough transition? I'm doing my best here, okay?
¹⁰ If, at this point, I decided that I should look at my answers again, it only ever ended with me feeling like more of a failure because it never reassured me at all; instead, all it did was make me question everything ever. "Do I think this is correct because it actually is correct or is it because I've been conditioned to think it's correct?!? What does that even mean?! What does does even mean?!?! Aaaaaahhhh!"

PICTURE:⁴

(Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here)

"All right! I'm all settled in class/work and I'm ready to start being productive!"

*Opens Facebook.*

"Oh! I have a number of notifications this morning! Today is going to be a good day!"

*Begins clicking through notifications. Stops dead in his/her tracks.*

"Oh. My. Goodness. Could it be?"

*Vision homes in on the best notification he/she has received in 7 months: "Chris Sellek has tagged you in the note 'Insert quote from Anchorman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or some random YouTube video here'". He/she begins floating as he/she clicks on the notification and begins reading pure comedic bliss.*

"This is the best thing I've ever read in the last 7 months!"

- Excerpt from the life of every last one of you who were tagged in this note.*

So I read this article the other day** about how scientists were coming together to prove that life accidentally came from non-living matter by gathering a bunch of the world's most brilliant minds together and forcing it to happen. I think...uh....I think they missed something there. In fact, I think - and this may just be me being crazy again - that they're doing more to hurt their claim than help it:***

Incredibly brilliant scientist #1: "Aha! We have finally disproven creationsists' claims by showing once and for all that life absolutely can and did come from non-living matter, without the intervention of some intelligent being. We truly are amazing!"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2: "Yes indeed, Reginald, I agree with your statement wholeheartedly! We, two very intelligent beings, have finally proven...that...life can be created....without....the help...of.....hm."

Reginald: "Well. I'll be the first to say that this is awkward. But just because life came about with the help of intelligent beings this time doesn't mean it didn't do so at the beginning of time, am I right my dear boy?"

Incredibly brilliant scientist #2, who will apparently be remaining nameless: "Ah!! You were aptly named up there when Chris referenced you as 'Incredibly brilliant scientist #1', Reginald! You areindeed an incredibly brilliant scientist!"

Reginald: "That I am, old chap! Come, let us drink to our success!"

Anyone in the world who thinks logically: "You guys are dumb."

Another interesting thought: have you ever wondered how difficult it must be for serial killers to find people who have similar interests? Seriously, what do they do? Do they wait until they find someone who kinda gives them the "I'm a serial killer, too" vibe and then try to drop hints or something? That could probably be awkward:

Serial killer looking to find friends: "So. What do you like to do in your spare time?"

Random, innocent civilian: "Oh you know, playing video games, reading, hanging out with my friends."

Serial killer: "Oh, that's nice. What...kind of video games do you like playing the most?"

Innocent civilian: "I like racing games and sports games, mostly. And I enjoy the occasional first-person shoo..." *Stops short because his conversational partner is now 1 inch away from his face.*

Serial killer: "I like first-person shooters, too. But I prefer the games where you can kill someone slowly with a small blade. Have you played Batman: Arkham City? I sure did like Victor Zsasz.† I thought it was so interesting how he scarred a tally into his skin every time he killed someone."

Innocent civilian: "Uh...yea, I played that." *Notices a few scars that could definitely be tallies on his quickly-losing-friendship-status friend's arm.* "I like...uh....Viva Piñata, too."††

*Innocent civilian clears throat awkwardly. Serial killer remains a mere inch from his face as he gets more and more uncomfortable.*

Serial killer: "Do you think you would like to come hang out with me at three in the morning some time? I think you and I could..."

Innocent Civilian: "I gotta go, my wife's calling me."

Ah yes, it's difficult being a serial killer. I mean...uh....it would be difficult. If....uh...I gotta go, my wife's calling me.†††

*I was gonna do an excerpt from anyone who accidentally stumbled upon the note in my timeline or on their news feed in addition to this, but I figured it would kinda be a waste of space since it'd basically be the same thing with one or two minor changes.

**"The other day" being October, when I still had a very blog-posting mindset and was still writing down blog post ideas as they came to mind.

***Please read the following two scientists' voices in British accents. If you do it out loud, it makes the whole experience even more fun.

†For those who don't know, Zsasz is a twisted serial killer in the Batman universe who scars a tally into his skin whenever he kills someone.

††Children's game that involves breaking Piñatas or something incredibly innocent and non-serial-killer-esque like that.

†††Obviously not true because Chris isn't married.