Sir, I Wanna Buy These Shoes....

This is long, I know. But it's worth it. Read or perish.

Ah, yes. Christmas-time. The time of the year where everyone's a little friendlier, the stars seem to shine a little brighter, and when we get a bunch of presents to celebrate someone else's birthday.* One of the greatest things about celebrating Christmas are the songs. November rolls around and people all start bickering and arguing about when playing Christmas songs is appropriate or moral.*** In the end, however, the result is the same: Christmas music being played through every speaker in America. While there are some Christmas songs that are just stupid and obnoxious,† most of them are bearable. The one song, however, that drives me insane each Christmas is, you guessed it,†† "Christmas Shoes." Even after watching Patten Oswalt's stand-up sketch about this horrible song, I still find some other things in this which are inexcusable.†††

The cashier mentioned in this song is a MASSIVE jerk. Think of the absolute worst person you can think of. Hitler? Hussein? Your mother-in-law?‡ All of these people look like Jesus compared to this cashier.‡‡ I'm going to take you through this song to show you how completely twisted and evil this cashier is and when I'm done, you'll be asking yourself the same question I've been asking myself for literally a year or two: how on Earth is this stupid song so popular, and how has no one noticed that this cashier is pure evil?! Okay. Verse 1:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line

Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood

Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously

Pacing 'round like little boys do

And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

Okay so, using our powers of observation, the first thing we notice is that this boy is pacing. He's nervous about something. It won't take long for us to figure out what it is that's freaking him out, but for right now we have a little innocent boy (who's probably adorable beyond all reason) holding a pair of shoes. The jerk has yet to enter the story, but there's no doubt that the putrid pile of repulsive flesh has noticed the boy at this point and is already concocting his evil scheme. In fact, from now on I'm referring to the cashier as PpORF (Putrid Pile of Repulsive Flesh‡‡‡). That's how seedy and low this guy is. Here's bridge 1:

His clothes were worn and old

He was dirty from head to toe

And when it came his time to pay

I couldn't believe what I heard him say

As the songwriter continues to use his powers of observation, we notice that this helpless little lamb is wearing old, worn clothes and that he's "dirty from head to toe." So not only do his parents not have money to pay for new clothes or (apparently) running water, his entire family is so stupid that they aren't using the showers at the hospital his mother is staying at to keep clean (we learn about the hospital in the chorus). How much more helpless and innocent could this poor child be? He can't help that he's dumb...he's just a kid! So this poor little blue-eyed, blond-haired angel has a dying mother and a very stupid man for a father! *Begins tearing up.* We continue with the chorus, where the hapless child comes face-to-face with Satan himself:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama please

It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size

Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time

You see, she's been sick for quite a while

and I know these shoes will make her smile

and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Let's continue to analyze, shall we? The first two lines shows that this kid, who doesn't have enough money (or a father with enough brains) to shower is spending the only amount of money he owns on a pair of shows for his mother. This obviously means that he loves his mother very much.

"Could you hurry sir? Daddy says there's not much time." His mother is so sick that she is literally about to die. She could die at any minute, so the poor unintelligent father tells his son to hurry and get the shoes before his motherkicks the freaking bucket.

"You see, she's been sick for quite a while." His mother has cancer. And is dying from said cancer as he speaks.

"And I know these shoes will make her smile and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight." Theological inconsistencies aside,**** this poor child has nothing to look forward to anymore but the fact that his mother will be meeting Jesus if she happens to breathe her last that night.

Alas, the poor dear has no idea who he's talking to. Anyone...and I meananyone with even a fraction of a heart would melt into nothing but a pathetic puddle if this adorable little angel sent from heaven said this to them. Not PpORF:

He counted pennies for what seemed like years

The cashier said "Son, there's not enough here"

He searched his pockets frantically

Then he turned and looked at me

PpORF counts out the coins†††† that this helpless innocent lays before him and, upon seeing that there isn't enough there, he gives an evil little grin as he begins filling up with the warmth and joy of knowing that this child won't be able to give his dying mother a goodbye Christmas gift. He turns and gleefully tells the child "Son, there's not enough here." He even mocks the boy by throwing in the word "son", as though he's on the child's side! Let me ask a question here to anyone who hasn't given up on reading yet: what, in all of the universe, could this demon be saving up for that is so important that he can't lay down a few bucks to help this kid out?! This evil, slimy, slithering demon from the depths of hell probably even smiled to himself as he watched the pure and blameless child before him begin frantically searching his pockets in a panic as he realized that he wasn't going to be able to give his dying mother even one gift.

What a sick, sick man. Thankfully, the writer of the song wasn't possessed by Satan himself, and he was able to help this spotless child out by giving him some cash. Hopefully, the child was able to get back to his mother before she ceased to exist to give her the shoes. Cuz we all know that if he didn't, and then tried to return the shoes, the cashier wouldn't have allowed him to return them. Stupid PpORF. Seriously, though, why is this freaking song so popular? Does no one see how horrible of a human being this cashier is? This guy probably watches the Discovery Channel just so he can revel in watching helpless bunny rabbits being eaten alive by leopards. I understand that good prevailed because the songwriter was there to help the child out and all that, but this isn't the story everyone seems to focus on. Instead, they ignore PpORF and the battle of good and evil that takes place completely.

So anyway, that's my beef with this terrible song. And, seriously, how have we gone 10 years without anyone mentioning this? Not okay.

*Yea. That's where my mind is. Strangers getting friendlier? Nope. Stars shining brighter?** Nope. Jesus? Nuh-uh. Getting presents? Yup. But wouldn't you agree that getting presents on everyone else's birthday would be so much cooler than getting presents on our own birthdays? I think yes. Agree.

**I'm pretty sure I made this one up anyway...

***Fundamentalists.... *sigh*

†I.E. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oOzszFIBcE

††Or at least if you're smart you did (see title for this post).

†††Note: "unexcusable" is not a word. Neither is "uncorruptable." Thanks to Chrome for pointing this out with it's friendly red underline.

‡To my future mother-in-law: I love you. The only reason I can think of for why everyone seems to hate their mother-in-law is that they don't have you as their mother-in-law.

‡‡I know this is borderline blasphemous...if it's taken seriously. So chill, crazies.

‡‡‡The second, lower-case, "p" is silent. Thanks to Tim Albury for this terminology.

****I.E. The fact that his mother isn't taking anything with her when she dies. His father's dumb, the poor child can't know the difference. If his father were intelligent, or read his Bible once in a while, they could have used the money on something more useful. LIKE A FREAKING SHOWER FOR HIS SON. Either way, the incorruptible††† child is buying his mother the only gift he will ever be able to buy her and this is adorable.

††††That's right. Coins. Which means he's been collecting for this gift for a long time now.

And, as usual, the picture has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the post. But it's still funny:

That...Is What Forgiveness Sounds Like.....Screaming, And Then Silence

Yes, that is exactly what forgiveness sounds like!* So all of you should probably scream for a bit and then get silent as you forgive me for not posting for over a month. The last month has been a busy one, folks.** I've been spread thin working on a short story and with helping my dad out at some of his houses as he prepares them for their next tenants. I've done more manual labor in the last few weeks than I have in a while and I'm feeling pretty good about it because I have not been able to do much physical activity at all since my surgery in December. But you're not here to read about that, now are you?***

So something interesting happened recently that I'll share with you before heading into the blog topic of the day. Mike Blackaby, who everyone knows is the most attractive man alive,† changed his phone number some time ago. I'm pretty sure I remember getting a text from him telling me that his number had changed, but chances are I forgot to change the number on my phone.†† Anyway, the the point here is that I was sending him text messages and not getting responses. This was deeply saddening to me,††† but last night I got his new number, texted him, and got a response. It was the second best night of my life.‡

Sorry, I needed to share that, it was quite an exciting story for me. If you don't like it, stop reading my blog. No.....don't stop reading my blog. Keep...keep reading. Please. And now onto the blog post!!

Have you ever been on the phone with someone and had to spell something out to them? Of course you have. I hate‡‡ doing that. I dread those moments more than I dread one day meeting my in-laws.**** You will always inevitably be forced to go with the "c as in cat" strategy because the idiot who named our letters was apparently being cute when he made them all sound exactly alike. Jerk. Anyway, the reason I hate this so much is because I never know what word to go with for each of the letters! I panic! For example, say I'm spelling out my brother's first name. My side of the conversation will go something like this:

"Uh.....ok......here...here we go. Are you ready? Because...because I'm ready. You are? Oh. Ok. Uh.....'M' as in......uh..........'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmat.'" *Nervous chuckle* "Ok, uh....'A' as in........uh.......'aaaapple'? Ok. 'T' as in......uhhhhhh..." *Nervously glances around room to find something that starts with 'T'. Coffee mug...no. Computer....no. Pterodactyl......close enough. "...'Pterodactyl.'" *Awkward pause* "What? Yea, Pterodactyl. No. No, not 'P'. Yes. No, I realize that 'Pterodactyl' actually starts with 'P,' but the 'P' is silent. Well...I was going with the firstsound. Oh yea? Well maybe....you...should....go with words that actually start with the letter....you know what nevermind. What? No, I am not just looking around my room to find things that start with the right letter! What's that? Oh yea, they make wonderful pets. They're kinda big, but once they learn that they need to fold their wings in to get through doorframes, they're actually pretty cool. No, they eat fish, actually. Yea, but like a lot of fish. Yea. Oh right, sorry. The last letter is also 'T' as in.....uuuuuhhhhhhhh....."

You see what I'm saying? It's just embarrassing and awkward. The worst part about all of this is that the dude (or dudette) on the other line is always a freaking master at doing it. They're all like ex-plane pilots or something because they fly†††† through it like it's not a problem at all for them and laugh at my stupidity while they do so.‡‡‡‡ Jerks.

One more quick thing I want to hit on before signing off for what will hopefully be less than a month this time is Microsoft's customer support. Every single time I call them, some dude who is definitely not from America answers and goes "Hello, my name is Mark, how can I help you?" Just once....just one time I want to bust out laughing over the phone and go: "Ok first of all, your name is not Mark!" I'll let you know if I ever get around to this.

*Probably not true.

**Actually true, believe it or not.

***Don't say yes. It's not funny or cute.

†Yea, I know he has serious competition from me, but I'm pretty sure he takes the cake. Of course, I'm kind of biased here.

††I don't remember my own birthday some days. So yea, this is actually serious.

†††There were a number of nights where I cried myself to sleep.

‡The best being the night I met him, of course.

‡‡Yea. Italics, bold, and underline. I'm making a statement here, albeit‡‡‡ not a very important one.

‡‡‡Which is actually pronounced "all-bee-it," apparently. I got made fun of for saying "all-bite" by the lovely Ms. Daniel. So make sure you don't pronounce it wrong or you might get harassed.

****Joke. Chill.

††††No pun intended, teehee.

‡‡‡‡Definitely not true.

Un foto:

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success

Okay so it's been like 3 weeks since my last post and I want to apologize to all of you, my adoring fans, for making you wait so long for your next awesomeness hit. The last few weeks have been busy ones, what with all of the video games I've been playing. I had three new games to get to - and those games weren't going to play themselves, you know. But I've finally gotten bored with those games, so here I am.* And yes, it is blog post time.

In this blog post, I have a number of serious and thought-provoking questions and situations** to pose to my readers. The first has to do with one of the greatest movie villains of all time. This villain has stood the test of time - he originated in a movie in 1977 and children today still tremble with fear at the mention of his name.*** This villain's greatest line is spoofed in every movie that includes a son who doesn't know the identity of his father. This villain...*pauses for dramatic effect...doesn't work since this is text and not spoken word*...is Mr. Freeze.† Oh wait, no. Darth Vader. This villain is Darth Vader.

Up until four years ago, Darth Vader was that scary guy who wore a mask to cover up his ugly (not-so-scary) egg head and who breathed while talking.†† But then, four years ago, the story of how an innocent boy††† turned into this greatly-feared man who could breathe while speaking‡ was revealed. I was watching this movie recently (on the way back from my cruise vacation) and began to get angry at Aanakin for not seeing through Sidious' lies. As I watched the movie, it became quite apparent to me that this Palpatine guy was very obviously Satan. I mean, come on. The guy spent more of his time telling half-truths and straight up lies than President Obama, for crying out loud! But then, thanks to a point made by my brother, Matt, I realized something. This poor freakin' guy's only crime was ditching the Jedi for Natalie Portman. Here's my first question for this blog post: what living male would not ditch the Jedi for Natalie Portman?! Guys, I have some bad news. Were any of us put into the same situation, we'd all be Darth Vader. Seriously, though, if Mace Windu got all up in my face and was like "It's us or her" I'd throw up two fingers on each hand and be like "Peace, homies." No hesitation or contemplation needed. And any man who tells you otherwise is probably lying. And now we move on to question two:

This one actually came to mind today. In the movie The Matrix,‡‡ the characters have to get to a phone in order to get out of The Matrix. This leads to a number of intense scenes where the characters have to race against the bad guys to get to the phone. If the bad guys get to them first, they die. If the bad guys get to the phone first and destroy it, our good guys are forced to run to another phone. All of this was incredibly intense and awesome while watching the movie, of course, but today a question that should have hit me long ago hit me:**** have these people never heard of cell phones?! They even carried them around with them all the time to talk with the operator dude! Think about how much easier it would make things:

Trinity: "Oh snap, operator guy, I need to get out of the Matrix."

Link: "Oh no problem, just hang up and I'll call you right back."

See how much easier that is?! No running to random phones that are always placed in the most inconvenient locations††††, no having to dodge bullets‡‡‡‡, and definitely no races against stupid agents who want to crush you while you're getting to the phone. And don't come telling me anything about how cell phones won't work and how it needs to be a landline or something. Cuz that's just a cop-out that the Wachowski brothers took to add more suspense to the movie.

Okay, so I'm done. And just a quick plea for help here: I find it quite difficult coming up with things to cover in these blog posts. I have no idea why that is difficult for me, seeing as it's never anything as serious as a heart attack,††††† but if any of you think of anything you think would be humorous, please message me.

*Not that my fans are second to video games or anything. *Gets nervous, chuckles.* I...I love you guys? *Begins dodging tomatoes.*

**If you still have to be told that statements like these are misleading, there's something wrong.

***Okay, so I'm the only person I know who actually trembles at the mention of his name, but misery loves company so shut up. Kids still recognize him, so I'm right.

†Teehee, Mr. Freeze. Seriously, could anyone come up with a lamer movie villain? "Iceto see you"?? Really? And who on Earth decided that Arnold Schwar.....uh....whatever...was a good actor??

††Which, by the way, is something that I want to perfect. How cool would I be if I could breathe and talk at the same time?? Don't lie, you think it'd be awesome, too.

†††Who, incidentally, is another person who can't act.

‡I am really hung up on this.

‡‡If you haven't seen The Matrix, this is not okay. You know the drill by this point: finish reading my blog post, maybe leave a comment,‡‡‡ then go rent the movie and watch it immediately. Classes, homework, a job, funerals, etc. are still not valid excuses.

‡‡‡Go ahead and leave a comment.

****REDUNANCYYYYYY.

††††I.E. The one direction that would put Agent Smith in your path.

‡‡‡‡Figuratively speaking, of course. Neo's the only one***** who can dodge bullets for real.

*****Teehee, get it? One? Cuz....cuz he's....the one? Okay I'm lame.

†††††Incorrect usage of the phrase "serious as a heart attack."

Picture, yo:

Ask Me the Questions, Bridge-Keeper, I'm Not Afraid!

So check this: yesterday I get a call from a recruiter at some recruiter company* who says that I'd be a perfect fit for this entry-level position at Red Hat.** She then tells me that she wants to meet with me in person before submitting my resume to Red Hat so that we can talk about my Computer Science experience and the rate of pay I would be asking for. I thought this was very nice of her, since no recruiter has ever asked to meet with me in person yet, and began getting excited about the potential job on the horizon. Later that day, she sent me an email with directions and signed off, as most people do,† with her name. It was Audra. I chuckled. Audra. What a funny name. It's like "Audrey" but with an "a" instead of an "ey". Teehee. I mentioned it to Jake as I was driving over to meet her and we joked about how I'd have to make sure I didn't giggle when she introduced herself to me.

So finally, the time came to meet Ms. Audra. I sat in a chair mentally preparing myself for the greeting by pretending to greet her over and over in my head,†† hoping that the funniness††† would wear off by the time she walked in. Unfortunately for me, my plan failed. Very fortunately (for more than one reason) for me, I had failed to make the woman in my imagination incredibly hot. So this freakin' hot woman walks through some double doors and goes "Chris Sellek?" My previous worries disappeared as I floated out of my seat and in her direction. When I realized that my ability to levitate was freaking her out,‡‡ I put my feet down and started walking again. Okay, okay, I started doing my best to start walking again because my legs now had the consistency of Jell-O.‡‡‡ She reached out her hand and I shook as she introduced herself. Luckily for me, I was too busy being stunned by her looks and being burned by her hand**** to notice her funny-sounding name.

Anyway, she took me into this office and started talking with me about the aforementioned†††† stuff, while I sat back and did my best to answer her questions, bring attention to my strong points, set a pay-rate that wasn't too incredibly high, and I can't forget to mention that I was doing my best to not openly stare at her like she was the Mona Lisa on display in the Louvre.‡‡‡‡ So about halfway through the interview, when I had already planned the proposal out to a tee, something shiny caught my eye. No big deal, right? She's just wearing a totally innocent ring on a finger that's not her ring finger....right? I'll just casually glance down when she's not looking to see....HOLY HECK THAT IS THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' DIAMOND RING I'VE EVER SEEN. And can you guess which finger it was on? Yea, her left ring finger. So I somehow made it through the remainder of the interview without bursting into tears.***** Talk about being unlucky, huh? The first one got away back in the note entitled "Milk was a Bad Choice" (which, believe it or not, had absolutely nothing to do with milk being a bad choice), and now another slips through my grasp. One of these days, Mike Blackaby will regret his decision to leave me for Lane and...uh...I mean, I'll find the right girl and stuff. Yea.†††††

*Why, yes, I have always been this good at remembering.

**For those of you like Laura Kuhns (yes, I totally just called you out) who have no idea what Red Hat is: it's a software company. Have you heard of Linux? ... No? Well then, you're hopeless.***

***That was mean. I (almost) apologize.

†With the exception of Joanna Slagle.

††No, of course I didn't do this for real. *Gets reeeaaaaally awkwardly quiet*

†††Uh....okay fine, I admit it. I spelled it "funnyness" first, and then Google Chrome had to tell me it was spelled with an "i" and not a "y". You knew how to spell it from the get-go didn't you? You're mocking me now, aren't you? Well....why don't you just....shut up.....Freud.‡

‡Incorrect reference to Sigmund Freud.

‡‡I do not, nor have I ever, had a Chance to Fly........ *Checks to see if anyone "got" it. Tries again.* Or maybe I should say that I've never been able to Defy Gravity............ *Checks again, sees a few faces lighting up. Sighs when he sees that a few people are still dumbfounded.* Thank Goodness that's the case, though, because I'm already pretty POPULAR as it is and I'm Not That Girl..................... *Still nothing from his audience. Sighs way too loudly and obnoxiously. Slows down his speech as if that's going to help the last few people who haven't caught on.* Well, this footnote has gone on long enough and THE WIZARD AND I have to go save some puppies FOR GOOD because we've been pretty evil lately and we all know that NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED............. *Sighs and gives up like he should have after the second sentence.* Wicked, guys. I'm....I'm referencing the play Wicked. *Sighs obnoxiously again even though it's not his clueless audience members' faults that they haven't seen the play.*

‡‡‡Okay so she wasn't THAT hot. But when do I ever not exaggerate everything 100 billion percent??

****Get it? She was so hot that she burned me when she touched me? Shut up, I don't think you're funny, either.

††††Yea. "Aforementioned." As in "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality." Heh. And you thought I was stupid.

‡‡‡‡You like my simile and you know it. And no, I have NO idea how to pronounce "Louvre".

*****There was one point where she left to get a drink of water where I was able to cry a river in my grief. Oh and I'm not exaggerating here. I'm talking about a legitriver. Seriously, think freaking Amazon here, people. I managed to stop before she got back, of course, but she definitely was making weird faces about the deluge that had just ravaged her office when she got back.

†††††For those who don't know me very well and who would like to draw improper conclusions about the way I view women based on this one post I've written, I would kindly ask that you refrain from calling me any names. Especially "sexist". (For those who are wondering: yes, there's an inside joke here. And it's hilarious.).

pic. ture.

What...In the Name of Me...Is Going On Here...??

Yeeeaaaa...so this one's been a long time coming. Whine about it, I heard that that makes things better.* Anyway, in tonight's post, I am going to once again give you something deep to ponder about until my next note. Nah, just kidding, could you imagine? How boring would that be? Okay. Time to move on...**

So thanks to all of my adoring fans (you guys) and your positive feedback on this blog, I've decided that I'm going to write a book. I have absolutely no idea what this book will be about, I only know that it will be funny. So I'm well on my way, I think. Anyway, thanks to one Mike Blackaby, who I may or may not still have a severe man-crush on,*** I already have a title for this undoubtedly amazing book. Regardless of what this book is about, or what the contents of this book will contain, its title will be Sex, Drugs, and Rock-and-Roll and Why I Love All Three.† You want to read it already. Awesome.

Now that I've gotten that out in the open, it's time for this blog post's main topic: the fall. As in mankind's fall that is chronicled in the book of............Genesis.††† The one that includes the first two people in existence: Adam and Eve. The one where....okay, yea, you get it.

Before I go further, I must admit that I did not come up with this all by me onesy.‡ I was helped by the ever-so-wonderful Miss Elizabeth Hauser. Wait! Hold your applaud until the end of the note, please. Thank you.

So Elizabeth and I were weeding the yard of one of our church members one fine (HOT) afternoon, and we began reminiscing‡‡ about the time before the fall when weeds weren't really a problem. We started talking about stupid Adam and Eve and how we totally wouldn't have sinned and ruined Earth for everyone else like they did,‡‡‡ and eventually we started playing the blame game like so many people do when the fall is brought up. That's when it hit me that I had stumbled upon yet another (popular) Bible story that is left open-ended. Here's the setup:

First, Satan tempts the two. Second, Eve sins. Finally, Adam sins. Then God shows up. Bad day. They all point the finger at each other, and in the end, everyone is punished. This is where the story ends. God never says who's at fault for all of this. Well, Hauser and I tackled this question head on and I'm proud to say that we have an answer for you, my crazy readers.**** The answer is simple: the blame falls on Adam. Yes, Eve was the first to stumble and take a bite, and yes, Eve was the first to desire the fruit at all. However, and here's the key question, what was Eve doing out of the kitchen to begin with??!†††† Had she been in the kitchen, where she belonged, she wouldn't have been anywhere near the forbidden fruit, and would therefore not have even been tempted by the serpent in the first place. Had Adam been doing his husbandly duty in making sure that Eve was where she should have been, we would still live in a sinless world.

So there you have it. Another open-ended story has been pointed out to you and then properly‡‡‡‡ addressed, leaving you with an answer you didn't even know you were looking for. Thanks for reading, and be on the lookout for the next blog post. And my book. Oh, and you can applaud for Elizabeth now.




*Yea, not sure where that malice just came from. My apologies.

**Should the fact that I constantly break my own concentration by going off on tangents worry me? Would adding another tangent here, after just asking about my tendency to break off on tangents, be funny? I think so.

***Get used to it, Lane. I can't fight love.

†For you more conservative folks in my reading audience, please rest assured that this book will not be about any of these three things, but will instead be a theological comparison of the Republican and Democratic parties and how neither will lead to the absolution of sin or the sanctification of a believer.††

††Pssssssssshhhhh! Lol!! (And in case you were wondering, yes, I had to look some of those terms up).

†††Get it? "Chronicled", as in the books of the Bible entitled "Chronicles"? *Awkward pause...laughs too hard at own joke*

‡Pirates of the Caribbean quote. Uh....in case you were wondering, I guess.

‡‡Incorrect usage of the word "reminiscing."

‡‡‡100% false and theologically inaccurate.

****Albeit a non-serious and completely theologically incorrect one.

††††Aaaaaaaaand all credibility goes out the window...

‡‡‡‡Uh.....




Ah yes, picture time. You know it well, and have learned to embrace it as a warm farewell from each of my blog posts.