If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success

Okay so it's been like 3 weeks since my last post and I want to apologize to all of you, my adoring fans, for making you wait so long for your next awesomeness hit. The last few weeks have been busy ones, what with all of the video games I've been playing. I had three new games to get to - and those games weren't going to play themselves, you know. But I've finally gotten bored with those games, so here I am.* And yes, it is blog post time.

In this blog post, I have a number of serious and thought-provoking questions and situations** to pose to my readers. The first has to do with one of the greatest movie villains of all time. This villain has stood the test of time - he originated in a movie in 1977 and children today still tremble with fear at the mention of his name.*** This villain's greatest line is spoofed in every movie that includes a son who doesn't know the identity of his father. This villain...*pauses for dramatic effect...doesn't work since this is text and not spoken word*...is Mr. Freeze.† Oh wait, no. Darth Vader. This villain is Darth Vader.

Up until four years ago, Darth Vader was that scary guy who wore a mask to cover up his ugly (not-so-scary) egg head and who breathed while talking.†† But then, four years ago, the story of how an innocent boy††† turned into this greatly-feared man who could breathe while speaking‡ was revealed. I was watching this movie recently (on the way back from my cruise vacation) and began to get angry at Aanakin for not seeing through Sidious' lies. As I watched the movie, it became quite apparent to me that this Palpatine guy was very obviously Satan. I mean, come on. The guy spent more of his time telling half-truths and straight up lies than President Obama, for crying out loud! But then, thanks to a point made by my brother, Matt, I realized something. This poor freakin' guy's only crime was ditching the Jedi for Natalie Portman. Here's my first question for this blog post: what living male would not ditch the Jedi for Natalie Portman?! Guys, I have some bad news. Were any of us put into the same situation, we'd all be Darth Vader. Seriously, though, if Mace Windu got all up in my face and was like "It's us or her" I'd throw up two fingers on each hand and be like "Peace, homies." No hesitation or contemplation needed. And any man who tells you otherwise is probably lying. And now we move on to question two:

This one actually came to mind today. In the movie The Matrix,‡‡ the characters have to get to a phone in order to get out of The Matrix. This leads to a number of intense scenes where the characters have to race against the bad guys to get to the phone. If the bad guys get to them first, they die. If the bad guys get to the phone first and destroy it, our good guys are forced to run to another phone. All of this was incredibly intense and awesome while watching the movie, of course, but today a question that should have hit me long ago hit me:**** have these people never heard of cell phones?! They even carried them around with them all the time to talk with the operator dude! Think about how much easier it would make things:

Trinity: "Oh snap, operator guy, I need to get out of the Matrix."

Link: "Oh no problem, just hang up and I'll call you right back."

See how much easier that is?! No running to random phones that are always placed in the most inconvenient locations††††, no having to dodge bullets‡‡‡‡, and definitely no races against stupid agents who want to crush you while you're getting to the phone. And don't come telling me anything about how cell phones won't work and how it needs to be a landline or something. Cuz that's just a cop-out that the Wachowski brothers took to add more suspense to the movie.

Okay, so I'm done. And just a quick plea for help here: I find it quite difficult coming up with things to cover in these blog posts. I have no idea why that is difficult for me, seeing as it's never anything as serious as a heart attack,††††† but if any of you think of anything you think would be humorous, please message me.

*Not that my fans are second to video games or anything. *Gets nervous, chuckles.* I...I love you guys? *Begins dodging tomatoes.*

**If you still have to be told that statements like these are misleading, there's something wrong.

***Okay, so I'm the only person I know who actually trembles at the mention of his name, but misery loves company so shut up. Kids still recognize him, so I'm right.

†Teehee, Mr. Freeze. Seriously, could anyone come up with a lamer movie villain? "Iceto see you"?? Really? And who on Earth decided that Arnold Schwar.....uh....whatever...was a good actor??

††Which, by the way, is something that I want to perfect. How cool would I be if I could breathe and talk at the same time?? Don't lie, you think it'd be awesome, too.

†††Who, incidentally, is another person who can't act.

‡I am really hung up on this.

‡‡If you haven't seen The Matrix, this is not okay. You know the drill by this point: finish reading my blog post, maybe leave a comment,‡‡‡ then go rent the movie and watch it immediately. Classes, homework, a job, funerals, etc. are still not valid excuses.

‡‡‡Go ahead and leave a comment.

****REDUNANCYYYYYY.

††††I.E. The one direction that would put Agent Smith in your path.

‡‡‡‡Figuratively speaking, of course. Neo's the only one***** who can dodge bullets for real.

*****Teehee, get it? One? Cuz....cuz he's....the one? Okay I'm lame.

†††††Incorrect usage of the phrase "serious as a heart attack."

Picture, yo:

Ask Me the Questions, Bridge-Keeper, I'm Not Afraid!

So check this: yesterday I get a call from a recruiter at some recruiter company* who says that I'd be a perfect fit for this entry-level position at Red Hat.** She then tells me that she wants to meet with me in person before submitting my resume to Red Hat so that we can talk about my Computer Science experience and the rate of pay I would be asking for. I thought this was very nice of her, since no recruiter has ever asked to meet with me in person yet, and began getting excited about the potential job on the horizon. Later that day, she sent me an email with directions and signed off, as most people do,† with her name. It was Audra. I chuckled. Audra. What a funny name. It's like "Audrey" but with an "a" instead of an "ey". Teehee. I mentioned it to Jake as I was driving over to meet her and we joked about how I'd have to make sure I didn't giggle when she introduced herself to me.

So finally, the time came to meet Ms. Audra. I sat in a chair mentally preparing myself for the greeting by pretending to greet her over and over in my head,†† hoping that the funniness††† would wear off by the time she walked in. Unfortunately for me, my plan failed. Very fortunately (for more than one reason) for me, I had failed to make the woman in my imagination incredibly hot. So this freakin' hot woman walks through some double doors and goes "Chris Sellek?" My previous worries disappeared as I floated out of my seat and in her direction. When I realized that my ability to levitate was freaking her out,‡‡ I put my feet down and started walking again. Okay, okay, I started doing my best to start walking again because my legs now had the consistency of Jell-O.‡‡‡ She reached out her hand and I shook as she introduced herself. Luckily for me, I was too busy being stunned by her looks and being burned by her hand**** to notice her funny-sounding name.

Anyway, she took me into this office and started talking with me about the aforementioned†††† stuff, while I sat back and did my best to answer her questions, bring attention to my strong points, set a pay-rate that wasn't too incredibly high, and I can't forget to mention that I was doing my best to not openly stare at her like she was the Mona Lisa on display in the Louvre.‡‡‡‡ So about halfway through the interview, when I had already planned the proposal out to a tee, something shiny caught my eye. No big deal, right? She's just wearing a totally innocent ring on a finger that's not her ring finger....right? I'll just casually glance down when she's not looking to see....HOLY HECK THAT IS THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' DIAMOND RING I'VE EVER SEEN. And can you guess which finger it was on? Yea, her left ring finger. So I somehow made it through the remainder of the interview without bursting into tears.***** Talk about being unlucky, huh? The first one got away back in the note entitled "Milk was a Bad Choice" (which, believe it or not, had absolutely nothing to do with milk being a bad choice), and now another slips through my grasp. One of these days, Mike Blackaby will regret his decision to leave me for Lane and...uh...I mean, I'll find the right girl and stuff. Yea.†††††

*Why, yes, I have always been this good at remembering.

**For those of you like Laura Kuhns (yes, I totally just called you out) who have no idea what Red Hat is: it's a software company. Have you heard of Linux? ... No? Well then, you're hopeless.***

***That was mean. I (almost) apologize.

†With the exception of Joanna Slagle.

††No, of course I didn't do this for real. *Gets reeeaaaaally awkwardly quiet*

†††Uh....okay fine, I admit it. I spelled it "funnyness" first, and then Google Chrome had to tell me it was spelled with an "i" and not a "y". You knew how to spell it from the get-go didn't you? You're mocking me now, aren't you? Well....why don't you just....shut up.....Freud.‡

‡Incorrect reference to Sigmund Freud.

‡‡I do not, nor have I ever, had a Chance to Fly........ *Checks to see if anyone "got" it. Tries again.* Or maybe I should say that I've never been able to Defy Gravity............ *Checks again, sees a few faces lighting up. Sighs when he sees that a few people are still dumbfounded.* Thank Goodness that's the case, though, because I'm already pretty POPULAR as it is and I'm Not That Girl..................... *Still nothing from his audience. Sighs way too loudly and obnoxiously. Slows down his speech as if that's going to help the last few people who haven't caught on.* Well, this footnote has gone on long enough and THE WIZARD AND I have to go save some puppies FOR GOOD because we've been pretty evil lately and we all know that NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED............. *Sighs and gives up like he should have after the second sentence.* Wicked, guys. I'm....I'm referencing the play Wicked. *Sighs obnoxiously again even though it's not his clueless audience members' faults that they haven't seen the play.*

‡‡‡Okay so she wasn't THAT hot. But when do I ever not exaggerate everything 100 billion percent??

****Get it? She was so hot that she burned me when she touched me? Shut up, I don't think you're funny, either.

††††Yea. "Aforementioned." As in "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality." Heh. And you thought I was stupid.

‡‡‡‡You like my simile and you know it. And no, I have NO idea how to pronounce "Louvre".

*****There was one point where she left to get a drink of water where I was able to cry a river in my grief. Oh and I'm not exaggerating here. I'm talking about a legitriver. Seriously, think freaking Amazon here, people. I managed to stop before she got back, of course, but she definitely was making weird faces about the deluge that had just ravaged her office when she got back.

†††††For those who don't know me very well and who would like to draw improper conclusions about the way I view women based on this one post I've written, I would kindly ask that you refrain from calling me any names. Especially "sexist". (For those who are wondering: yes, there's an inside joke here. And it's hilarious.).

pic. ture.