What...In the Name of Me...Is Going On Here...??

Yeeeaaaa...so this one's been a long time coming. Whine about it, I heard that that makes things better.* Anyway, in tonight's post, I am going to once again give you something deep to ponder about until my next note. Nah, just kidding, could you imagine? How boring would that be? Okay. Time to move on...**

So thanks to all of my adoring fans (you guys) and your positive feedback on this blog, I've decided that I'm going to write a book. I have absolutely no idea what this book will be about, I only know that it will be funny. So I'm well on my way, I think. Anyway, thanks to one Mike Blackaby, who I may or may not still have a severe man-crush on,*** I already have a title for this undoubtedly amazing book. Regardless of what this book is about, or what the contents of this book will contain, its title will be Sex, Drugs, and Rock-and-Roll and Why I Love All Three.† You want to read it already. Awesome.

Now that I've gotten that out in the open, it's time for this blog post's main topic: the fall. As in mankind's fall that is chronicled in the book of............Genesis.††† The one that includes the first two people in existence: Adam and Eve. The one where....okay, yea, you get it.

Before I go further, I must admit that I did not come up with this all by me onesy.‡ I was helped by the ever-so-wonderful Miss Elizabeth Hauser. Wait! Hold your applaud until the end of the note, please. Thank you.

So Elizabeth and I were weeding the yard of one of our church members one fine (HOT) afternoon, and we began reminiscing‡‡ about the time before the fall when weeds weren't really a problem. We started talking about stupid Adam and Eve and how we totally wouldn't have sinned and ruined Earth for everyone else like they did,‡‡‡ and eventually we started playing the blame game like so many people do when the fall is brought up. That's when it hit me that I had stumbled upon yet another (popular) Bible story that is left open-ended. Here's the setup:

First, Satan tempts the two. Second, Eve sins. Finally, Adam sins. Then God shows up. Bad day. They all point the finger at each other, and in the end, everyone is punished. This is where the story ends. God never says who's at fault for all of this. Well, Hauser and I tackled this question head on and I'm proud to say that we have an answer for you, my crazy readers.**** The answer is simple: the blame falls on Adam. Yes, Eve was the first to stumble and take a bite, and yes, Eve was the first to desire the fruit at all. However, and here's the key question, what was Eve doing out of the kitchen to begin with??!†††† Had she been in the kitchen, where she belonged, she wouldn't have been anywhere near the forbidden fruit, and would therefore not have even been tempted by the serpent in the first place. Had Adam been doing his husbandly duty in making sure that Eve was where she should have been, we would still live in a sinless world.

So there you have it. Another open-ended story has been pointed out to you and then properly‡‡‡‡ addressed, leaving you with an answer you didn't even know you were looking for. Thanks for reading, and be on the lookout for the next blog post. And my book. Oh, and you can applaud for Elizabeth now.




*Yea, not sure where that malice just came from. My apologies.

**Should the fact that I constantly break my own concentration by going off on tangents worry me? Would adding another tangent here, after just asking about my tendency to break off on tangents, be funny? I think so.

***Get used to it, Lane. I can't fight love.

†For you more conservative folks in my reading audience, please rest assured that this book will not be about any of these three things, but will instead be a theological comparison of the Republican and Democratic parties and how neither will lead to the absolution of sin or the sanctification of a believer.††

††Pssssssssshhhhh! Lol!! (And in case you were wondering, yes, I had to look some of those terms up).

†††Get it? "Chronicled", as in the books of the Bible entitled "Chronicles"? *Awkward pause...laughs too hard at own joke*

‡Pirates of the Caribbean quote. Uh....in case you were wondering, I guess.

‡‡Incorrect usage of the word "reminiscing."

‡‡‡100% false and theologically inaccurate.

****Albeit a non-serious and completely theologically incorrect one.

††††Aaaaaaaaand all credibility goes out the window...

‡‡‡‡Uh.....




Ah yes, picture time. You know it well, and have learned to embrace it as a warm farewell from each of my blog posts.

Milk Was a Bad Choice!

So I’ve been having these awesome dreams of grandeur recently. Like the other night, I was freakin’ Peter Petrelli from Heroes – and not lame Peter Petrelli from seasons 2-through-whatever they’re at now, but awesome Peter Petrelli from season 1 who could basically do ANYthing. Yea, I was that guy. I was totally infiltrating some bad-guy base (which was easy because I was invisible) to stop the bad guys from doing whatever horrible thing they were planning on doing (I don’t dream in specifics, leave me alone). So I was just walking right by them and freaking them out by picking stuff up with my mind and making it float around the room. Don’t know how that one turned out because I woke up too soon (lame), but the last thing I remember from that dream was flying above some dude who knew I was somewhere nearby, picking him up with my mind, and slamming him into a wall, rendering him unconscious. Yea, win. These dreams are totally balla, but I always wake up from them, which isn’t so cool. Because then I’m reduced to being some feeble mortal without awesome superpowers. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the mind that spits out these amazing blog posts. You knew you liked me for a reason. No, I’m telling you: you knew you liked me for a reason.

That paragraph has nothing to do with the remainder of this post. Think of this paragraph as being like one of those “and now for something completely different” Monty Python things. What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Stop what you’re doing (after you finish reading this, of course), go find a complete Monty Python DVD collection, and then watch it. I’m sorry, what? You have a funeral to go to? Tough for the guy that died.* Follow my instructions. Now.

Okay, so on to my actual blog post.*** I’m a wimp. Yea, I know…it’s hard to believe. But I totally am. For those of you who have been on another planet for the last two years† and haven’t heard of my ankle injury: my ankle’s been injured for the last two years. Now that we’re all caught up, let’s continue. Because of this injury, I’ve had to have a number of rather unpleasant things done to my ankle over the past two years – two of these things being cortisone injections. Oh man. I’ma tell you what:†† I hate needles. Like I really hate needles. Both times I got injected with this Satan-fluid that ended up causing excruciatingly severe pain (though only the first time), I nearly passed out. Yea, because of a needle.

The second shot I went in for was the worst. The guy had to inject what I am now deeming as Satan’s blood directly into a joint, so he placed my foot underneath an X-Ray machine and watched the needle on there as he slowly inserted it into my foot.††† The worst part of the whole experience was when he let go of the needle and turned around. Yea. I was like “GAAAAAAAUUUUUUFJIWEOFJSADHFYASIDFSJKLDFSJKLADFSGHF!!!!!‡ Not okay, dude!!” Course, I didn’t say this out loud – there was a hot nurse in the room that I needed to impress – but I was dying inside. When the dude finally finished his painstakingly slow job, I was allowed to leave. Okay, no big deal. I’ll just put my shoes on and be walked out by this crazy hot nur….oh man. The walls are spinning. That’s kinda cool. No wait, I’m totally about to pass out.

When I realized this, I had to swallow my pride and tell Miss Hottie‡‡ that I needed to sit down because I was about to hit the floor. So she sat me down and put a wet towel on my neck. When the ringing in my ears had dissipated and my vision had returned to normal (yea, I was that close to blacking out), they moved me to a bed in a separate room, and who came in to keep me company? Hottie McHotson.‡‡‡ So at this point, while I’m still a little out of it, I start conversing with her and (let’s be honest, people) probably gawking at her. Well, somehow we got on the topic of what she would be doing in the next few months (no idea how we got to talking about this – like I said, I was still out of it). She told me she was going on a cruise with some people, and I told her I loved cruise vacations. I asked who she was going with and she told me her parents and her fiancé. Fiancé?

At this point I was like “What the heck?” Yea, I legitimately got annoyed with this guy for being engaged to this random hot nurse. I started getting angry with the dude, as though I had dibs on this girl who he had obviously known for longer. A few minutes later, when I was finally back to my normal**** self, I realized that I probably have some issues…or at least I do when I’m half-conscious.†††† I tell you all of this to let you know that I have decided to never again allow a doctor to inject me with anything. Probably a good idea.

*For those reading who actually have a funeral to go to, I’m terribly sorry. I assure you it was a joke and nothing more. It was very irresponsible of me to joke that way, and I assure you it won’t happen again.**

**LOL, lies.

***Yea, I actually plan what these will be ahead of time.**

†…With the guy who doesn’t watch 24.

††I’ve been in Raleigh too long. Actually, I hate Miami and never wanna go back, so I’m fine with living in Raleigh and saying/hearing weird things as a result.

†††I’m getting queasy just typing this and remembering this horrible experience.

‡Paraphrase.

‡‡Which actually turned out to not be here name – how was I supposed to know this??

‡‡‡Also not her real name. In case you were wondering.

****Heh, normal…

††††Okay, okay, and when I’m fully-conscious, too…