I've tagged you in this if you bothered reading/commenting on the last one. As for the rest of you, I'm severely disappointed in you. But only kind of (figure that one out).
So, as stated in the previous post, I have been taking the advice of my seminarian friends and asking deep questions* about popular Bible stories and/or what I read each night in my quiet times. Last time, I took on the David and Goliath story: a classic story that most people hear before being begotten** that the Bible ends quite abruptly without answering a key question that arises upon reading the story***. For this post, I will take on another story that ends just as abruptly:
Story 2 - Elijah and Elisha
Okay, here's another story that's quite interesting, but that also ends with some unanswered questions. Before we even take a look at the story, though, there's something that bothers me from the get-go that I need to address: when God was picking His prophets, He had an entirenation of people to choose from††. Why on Earth, then, would God choose the two guys in ALL of Israel with the most similar sounding names possible? EliJAH. EliSHA. I want to know how many times someone called one of these two only to have both of them turn around and go "Sup?" This is the first question I will be asking God when I step into heaven†††.
And now onto the story. For those of you who haven't heard the story, it goes a little something like this:
Elijah and Elisha, two prominent prophets of God, went out for a walk one day. So there they were, minding their own business, and doing whatever it is Old Testament prophets of God do in their spare time (probably talking about how awesome the movie The Dark Knight was going to be. Or how lame the Disney Channel was going to be‡.). Then, all of a sudden, a freaking chariot of fire comes out of the sky and swoops Elijah away, leaving Elisha alone. Story ends.
Now, if you're a man who believes in God, it wouldn't take too much brain power to figure out that the whole "chariot of fire" thing was something put together by the Big Man Upstairs. I mean, fire doesn't normally take on shapes (unless we're talking about one The Dark Knightposter, but that was more than likely 'shopped). So it probably didn't take Elisha long to figure out that God had something to do with what had just happened. But how confused must Elisha have been after this‡? I can hear him praying to God after the incident now:
"Um....." He would have said, looking down at Elijah's tunic that had fallen off‡‡. "So.....do I....wait here for him to come back? Or....you know what, he knows the way back to camp, I'll just....I'll just go."
So Elisha, who apparently wasn't thinking about what would happen when he got back to camp, tore his clothes in agony‡‡, probably picked up Elijah's tunic to keep as a reminder of his friend, and then headed back to camp. This isn't even the worst part. Here's my big question about this story: what the heck did he tell people when he got back from his little walk without Elijah?! I can just see everyone in the Israeli camp now: "Well, here comes Elisha, but....where's.....Elijah??? Oh, dear..."
I mean, come on, can you blame these people? Elijah was a very prominent prophet of God, and Elisha was his less-prominent counterpart. I'm pretty sure that that's what today's law enforcement would call "motive." The two went on a walk, and only Elisha came back. With torn clothes. And holding Elijah's tunic. So Elijah's either running around naked in the desert and Elisha tore his tunic on a peaceful walk, or....hm. And approaching Elisha about the incident probably didn't do much to solidify his innocence. Some teenager who lost a bet probably was the one to approach him‡:
"So.....Elisha." He would have said, trying to hide his nervousness. "Um.....what's up, first of all?"
"Nothin' much, you?" Elisha would have replied, probably oblivious to the suspicion that had been cast on him by his walk with Elijah the day before.
"Oh no, doing well, doing well. So uh....some of us were just wondering something. When's, uh.....when's Elijah coming back?"
"Hm?" Elisha would have replied, turning off his prophetic vision of The Dark Knight. "Oh, yea, he's not gonna be coming back."
Nervousness builds.
"Oh, that's......good. Can....could....can...." Clears his throat "...Can I ask what happened to him?"
"Oh you didn't hear?? Well, we were walking and then all of a sudden, this chariot of fire came out of nowhere and swooped him up into heaven!!"
Loooooong awkward pause.
"A, uh........a chariot of fire.....?"
"Yup!"
Another long awkward pause.
"That's....nice. Well, listen I, uh....I gotta go."
At this point, the poor teenager would start backing away slowly. Elisha, still oblivious, probably said something to the effect of:
"Actually, I was just about to go on another walk. You think you want to join?"
Throwing all reserve aside, the teenager would have taken off at this point, screaming "NO! No thanks! That's totally cool! I'm already doing something with my friends!"
So once again, my little story has little, if any, Biblical merit. You have to admit that I have a point though. I mean, really, this had to be more than just a little suspicious.
*In case you haven't caught on after the first post, statements like this are intentionally misleading.
**Shout out to Shannon Daniel for this terminology.
***Disclaimer for you crazy can't-take-a-joke people: I am in no way claiming that the Bible is incomplete. None of these posts are to be taken seriously. Just enjoy the lulz. Any complaints that claim that I'm being blasphemous or whatever will be punishable by death†.
†Like I said: jokes. Now laugh and continue reading.
††Not a Calvinist? Tough. Read your Bible sometime†.
†††I make a lot of claims about what my first question to God will be when I step into heaven. Most of them are untrue.
‡Not Biblically accurate.
‡‡Biblically accurate. Seriously, Elijah's tunic was left behind, and Elisha tore his own tunic. Read the story, homie!
Another picture:
So, as stated in the previous post, I have been taking the advice of my seminarian friends and asking deep questions* about popular Bible stories and/or what I read each night in my quiet times. Last time, I took on the David and Goliath story: a classic story that most people hear before being begotten** that the Bible ends quite abruptly without answering a key question that arises upon reading the story***. For this post, I will take on another story that ends just as abruptly:
Story 2 - Elijah and Elisha
Okay, here's another story that's quite interesting, but that also ends with some unanswered questions. Before we even take a look at the story, though, there's something that bothers me from the get-go that I need to address: when God was picking His prophets, He had an entirenation of people to choose from††. Why on Earth, then, would God choose the two guys in ALL of Israel with the most similar sounding names possible? EliJAH. EliSHA. I want to know how many times someone called one of these two only to have both of them turn around and go "Sup?" This is the first question I will be asking God when I step into heaven†††.
And now onto the story. For those of you who haven't heard the story, it goes a little something like this:
Elijah and Elisha, two prominent prophets of God, went out for a walk one day. So there they were, minding their own business, and doing whatever it is Old Testament prophets of God do in their spare time (probably talking about how awesome the movie The Dark Knight was going to be. Or how lame the Disney Channel was going to be‡.). Then, all of a sudden, a freaking chariot of fire comes out of the sky and swoops Elijah away, leaving Elisha alone. Story ends.
Now, if you're a man who believes in God, it wouldn't take too much brain power to figure out that the whole "chariot of fire" thing was something put together by the Big Man Upstairs. I mean, fire doesn't normally take on shapes (unless we're talking about one The Dark Knightposter, but that was more than likely 'shopped). So it probably didn't take Elisha long to figure out that God had something to do with what had just happened. But how confused must Elisha have been after this‡? I can hear him praying to God after the incident now:
"Um....." He would have said, looking down at Elijah's tunic that had fallen off‡‡. "So.....do I....wait here for him to come back? Or....you know what, he knows the way back to camp, I'll just....I'll just go."
So Elisha, who apparently wasn't thinking about what would happen when he got back to camp, tore his clothes in agony‡‡, probably picked up Elijah's tunic to keep as a reminder of his friend, and then headed back to camp. This isn't even the worst part. Here's my big question about this story: what the heck did he tell people when he got back from his little walk without Elijah?! I can just see everyone in the Israeli camp now: "Well, here comes Elisha, but....where's.....Elijah?
I mean, come on, can you blame these people? Elijah was a very prominent prophet of God, and Elisha was his less-prominent counterpart. I'm pretty sure that that's what today's law enforcement would call "motive." The two went on a walk, and only Elisha came back. With torn clothes. And holding Elijah's tunic. So Elijah's either running around naked in the desert and Elisha tore his tunic on a peaceful walk, or....hm. And approaching Elisha about the incident probably didn't do much to solidify his innocence. Some teenager who lost a bet probably was the one to approach him‡:
"So.....Elisha." He would have said, trying to hide his nervousness. "Um.....what's up, first of all?"
"Nothin' much, you?" Elisha would have replied, probably oblivious to the suspicion that had been cast on him by his walk with Elijah the day before.
"Oh no, doing well, doing well. So uh....some of us were just wondering something. When's, uh.....when's Elijah coming back?"
"Hm?" Elisha would have replied, turning off his prophetic vision of The Dark Knight. "Oh, yea, he's not gonna be coming back."
Nervousness builds.
"Oh, that's......good. Can....could....can...." Clears his throat "...Can I ask what happened to him?"
"Oh you didn't hear?? Well, we were walking and then all of a sudden, this chariot of fire came out of nowhere and swooped him up into heaven!!"
Loooooong awkward pause.
"A, uh........a chariot of fire.....?"
"Yup!"
Another long awkward pause.
"That's....nice. Well, listen I, uh....I gotta go."
At this point, the poor teenager would start backing away slowly. Elisha, still oblivious, probably said something to the effect of:
"Actually, I was just about to go on another walk. You think you want to join?"
Throwing all reserve aside, the teenager would have taken off at this point, screaming "NO! No thanks! That's totally cool! I'm already doing something with my friends!"
So once again, my little story has little, if any, Biblical merit. You have to admit that I have a point though. I mean, really, this had to be more than just a little suspicious.
*In case you haven't caught on after the first post, statements like this are intentionally misleading.
**Shout out to Shannon Daniel for this terminology.
***Disclaimer for you crazy can't-take-a-joke people: I am in no way claiming that the Bible is incomplete. None of these posts are to be taken seriously. Just enjoy the lulz. Any complaints that claim that I'm being blasphemous or whatever will be punishable by death†.
†Like I said: jokes. Now laugh and continue reading.
††Not a Calvinist? Tough. Read your Bible sometime†.
†††I make a lot of claims about what my first question to God will be when I step into heaven. Most of them are untrue.
‡Not Biblically accurate.
‡‡Biblically accurate. Seriously, Elijah's tunic was left behind, and Elisha tore his own tunic. Read the story, homie!
Another picture:
(Yet another pertinent picture).
Seal: "Yesssss.....now that you've taken the picture, why don't you let little Billy pet me??"
Seal: "Yesssss.....now that you've taken the picture, why don't you let little Billy pet me??"
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