I Just Burnt my Tongue

"Hey guys! Is everyone excited tonight?!?!?!"

*Crowd gives a "meh" response.*

"I SAID....IS EVERYONE EXCITED TONIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Seriously, though, why do people do that? And why does the audience always appease them by screaming louder the second time around? If you're excited, scream the first time. Don't let that person up on stage manipulate you into living life the way they want you to. Sheesh.*

So, funny story. A few weeks ago, I was stopped behind a girl driving a BMW in the left-turn lane at Falls and Durant.** I happened to glance in her rear-view mirror*** and thought she might be checking me out. I couldn't tell if she was looking at me in the rear-view mirror or at the lights. Well, I got my answer soon enough. The left arrow turned green. Nothing happened. Grinning (since I was finally on the other side of this kind of awkward engagement), I nonchalantly pointed up at the light. She noticed the green arrow and turned. I laughed my head off. That had to be so awkward for her. I'm laughing even now as I type this.

...

I feel like I received much more enjoyment from this story than you guys did just now. I apologize.†

Anyway, you know what I don't get? Like at all? Women. Seriously, you guys†† are so confusing. You're constantly doing things that make no sense to me. Saying things like "Let's talk about feelings", or "What do you think about this" or "Please stop trying to contact me seriously I'm going to call the police."††† And then you do even weirder things. Like...you....cry. What is that? Guys, I have yet to figure out what to do with a crying woman. I default to one of two actions: I pat the girl on the head as awkwardly as possible, and if that doesn't work, I offer to buy her something shiny. If she's still crying at this point, I pretty much just give up and walk away. I can see my marriage now:

*Pats head quite awkardly. Wife continues crying. Glances around.*

Me: "Uh....do you....I could buy you a diamond?"

*Wife continues crying.*

Me: "Okay, you know what? I can't work with this. If you decide to be rational, I'll be in the gameroom playing Call of Duty."‡

Jeez. I had this one girl once have the audacity to tell me that guys were "just as complicated as women." She spit that "just" out like she had someone in mind, too. Why she was directing it at me is beyond me,‡‡ but probably beside the point. I got pretty annoyed with her. I was like "What?! No, we are not!" Seriously, can you believe this lady? When was the last time you saw a guy crying and thought "Man, that poor guy must be going through lots of...stuff." No. That never happens. If you see a guy crying, you know darn well it's for a perfectly good reason. Like his girl just left him. Or his dad died. Or he just had his ears ripped off. All of these things are very good reasons for crying. "Stuff" is not.

I then further explained that every guy on the face of this planet falls into one of two categories. When it comes to women, we're either 1) stupid, or 2) stupid jerks. That's it. We're either in the "Stupid Guys" group and hurt your feelings because we honestly just don't realize that what we're doing is leading you on, or we're in the "Stupid Jerk Guys" group and do things that even the dumbest guy knows not to do, i.e. saying "I love you" when we don't mean it. That's it. Two categories. Very simple. You have been enlightened.‡‡‡

Before I leave, I want to go on one more rant. I've been thinking about engagements recently.†††† Have you seen any chick flick ever? You know how the guy always proposes to the girl (most of the time after some lame fight) with some eloquently written speech that would make Nicholas Sparks tear up? Yea, that's a no. I'll be freaking out so bad and/or crying so hard that I'll be lucky to get the word "marry" out of my mouth. I might even shorten it more to just "me." Or "m." Which, by the way, wouldn't be romantic at all. So, future girlfriend/fiancée, this is your heads up. Also, as I confessed above, if you ever start crying I'll probably just leave you standing wherever you are to sort out your own problems.‡‡‡‡ Don't say I didn't warn you.

Peanut butter.

*Really, though, I think the reason I hate that so much is because clichés drive me crazy. Be creative and make life interesting for a change.

**For those who don't live here (since so many people read this blog that it probably has an international following by this point), it's a left turn here that sucks.

***If I'm going to be honest here, I was probably trying to check her out.

†This (should be) predictable at this point: I didn't mean that apology.

††Ladies, whatever.

†††...

‡If I get one message from someone who took this seriously, I will go on a punching spree. Starting with said person's face.

‡‡Another reason ya'll are confusing.

‡‡‡Take that, John Locke.****

****If you don't get this joke (i.e. if you're not Greg Lawrence), Google "enlightened John Locke".

††††Probably because every person alive has been getting engaged recently.

‡‡‡‡Okay, even I felt bad writing this. Man. I'm a bad person. But...I can make you laugh. That'll be my selling point. *Starts working on an ad campaign. For himself.*

...

Yea, I don't know, it's like three in the morning.

In Mercia!? The Coconut's Tropical!

So here I come crawling back to all of you with my tail in between my legs. It's been a while. I apologize profusely. Blah blah blah. There, we're friends again, yes? Yes.*

So as some of you may know, I went on a cruise vacation with my awesome family this last weekend. It was an amazing time and we shared many a laugh. I have decided that I will also share said laughs with you all in tonight's note. First, we have the quote of the week. This quote was uttered** by my little sister, Elizabeth. We were watching the welcome aboard show and the cruise director came on stage to let us all know who was planning all of our fun for the week. At one point, he asked for the newlyweds and literally no one responded. As a joke, he asked "I wonder where all the newlyweds are?" Elizabeth, being 12 years of age, did not quite understand what he was hinting at. All she knew is that it was getting late and that as such, people were probably tired. So she decided to give her opinion as to where exactly they were:

"IN BED!!!!"

My little sister, everybody. I've taught her well.***

Now that we've explored the quote of the week, we shall explore some of my random thoughts during this vaca.† First, my entire family got sunburned. In Canada. I...don't even know what to say to this. I'm leaving this one to Mike and his mother to explain.††

While on the cruise, I saw an older couple taking pictures together. This might have been cute, except they were taking pictures on the stairs. You know, those things people use to travel from one floor to the other. The things that you don't just sit on. For any reason. Especially if that reason involves sitting completely still with a stupid smile on your face while the line to take the stairs††† backs up to the previous floor. And if possessive your‡ a staircase and you are‡ one purpose in life is to have people walk all over you 24/7 and you can't even do that right, then...well...I'll let you decide what drastic action to take.

Can I just make a statement real quick? Not like any normal statement, but a statement that shall be classified as complete, irrefutable fact. I can't hear any of you because you're reading this after I've written it, so I'll assume your answer is yes. Taking pictures of people while they attempt to enjoy their dinner is a horrible idea:

Camera lady: "Can I take a picture of you three on that side of the table?"

Me: "What? I have food in my mouth."

*Snap!* ‡‡

Yea, they do that. And as if that isn't bad enough, the cruise line then tries to sell you these pictures. That's just mean.

On these cruises, they have what's called a "Coke Card."‡‡‡ If you purchase a Coke Card at the beginning of the week, you get free coke the rest of the week by just flashing your card. The card is around $50, so I make sure it's worth it by drinking enough Coke during the cruise to kill a cow. One day for lunch, I ordered a Coke from this guy and finished it rather quickly. I returned about 10-15 minutes later and asked for another. He gave me a look I can only describe as skeptical disappointment and then quite seriously, as though he were talking to a smoker with cancer asking for a cigarette, asked "Another Coke, Chris?" Um...yes, please. I ordered 10 more Cokes from him on the spot.****

One of the most interesting†††† things I saw this week was a woman flossing. While walking. Yea, she was just walking along, minding her own business and....flossing. How did this happen?

Woman: "Oh man! I need to be on the other side of the boat to see my boyfriend and I need to flossurgently but I only have time to do one of those things! Wait...I have an idea...."

*Cue some kind of lame superhero music.*

And thus, the superhero Floss Woman was born. I was going to say that she'd be a fad that wouldn't last, but if we're being honest with ourselves, she probably won't even be a fad to begin with.

Friend 1: "Man, I have so much stuff in between my teeth."‡‡‡‡

Friend 2: "Floss Woman! We need your help!"

*Cue that music again.*

Yea, "Friend 2" is some friend. Guys, if I ever complain about having things stuck in my teeth and you call some random woman to floss it out, I will strangle you with the string of floss that she uses. Or with another string of floss if she does what I'm now dubbing "floss-and-runs" in order to avoid any inevitable lawsuits. Crap, I'm developing her character, this needs to stop.

I'll close with something that happened as we were leaving our cruise and heading toward our car. We had to wait in a line to get through customs and while we were there, this obnoxious Indian dude just up and cuts in front of half of our family like it was no big deal. He's sitting there waiting in line when he realizes that he just doesn't want to wait anymore. So he just steps in front of four people and then turns and waves his wife over. We decided to be polite about things by trying to get in front of him nonchalantly since, you know, he just kind of stole our place in line. Then, get this, he starts glancing back at us with an annoyed look as though we were cutting in front of him. He kept giving us annoyed looks while trying to position his bag in our way so that we couldn't get around him. And he did all this while trying to cut in front of the rest of my family. He underestimated us. We got to customs first. Sellek win. *Cue awesome superhero music.*

*Yes.

**Or screamed.

***She obviously didn't mean it that way, losers, she's 12.

†If I ever use this abbreviation or anyone like it again, kill me. Slowly.

††And yes, all of us were giddy about being in Canada because we know a Canadian family. If you think this is stupid then....then....you're stupid. Stupid.

†††Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that a line to use the stairs is completely nonsensical. You walk down them. Nothing about that action should require waiting.

‡This has been a mockery of teenagers everywhere. Your welcome (teehee).

‡‡Yea, I couldn't think of a better onomatopoeia for the sound cameras make.

‡‡‡This may just be a name my family invented and started using as though it was universally known. This could explain some weird looks we've gotten...

****Not true at all. But I probably should have. What does he care if I order another Coke??

††††Or straight-up inexplicable...

‡‡‡‡Since...you know...that's such a common ailment. And one that friends share with one another. And...yea, shut up.