So here I come crawling back to all of you with my tail in between my legs. It's been a while. I apologize profusely. Blah blah blah. There, we're friends again, yes? Yes.*
So as some of you may know, I went on a cruise vacation with my awesome family this last weekend. It was an amazing time and we shared many a laugh. I have decided that I will also share said laughs with you all in tonight's note. First, we have the quote of the week. This quote was uttered** by my little sister, Elizabeth. We were watching the welcome aboard show and the cruise director came on stage to let us all know who was planning all of our fun for the week. At one point, he asked for the newlyweds and literally no one responded. As a joke, he asked "I wonder where all the newlyweds are?" Elizabeth, being 12 years of age, did not quite understand what he was hinting at. All she knew is that it was getting late and that as such, people were probably tired. So she decided to give her opinion as to where exactly they were:
"IN BED!!!!"
My little sister, everybody. I've taught her well.***
Now that we've explored the quote of the week, we shall explore some of my random thoughts during this vaca.† First, my entire family got sunburned. In Canada. I...don't even know what to say to this. I'm leaving this one to Mike and his mother to explain.††
While on the cruise, I saw an older couple taking pictures together. This might have been cute, except they were taking pictures on the stairs. You know, those things people use to travel from one floor to the other. The things that you don't just sit on. For any reason. Especially if that reason involves sitting completely still with a stupid smile on your face while the line to take the stairs††† backs up to the previous floor. And if possessive your‡ a staircase and you are‡ one purpose in life is to have people walk all over you 24/7 and you can't even do that right, then...well...I'll let you decide what drastic action to take.
Can I just make a statement real quick? Not like any normal statement, but a statement that shall be classified as complete, irrefutable fact. I can't hear any of you because you're reading this after I've written it, so I'll assume your answer is yes. Taking pictures of people while they attempt to enjoy their dinner is a horrible idea:
Camera lady: "Can I take a picture of you three on that side of the table?"
Me: "What? I have food in my mouth."
*Snap!* ‡‡
Yea, they do that. And as if that isn't bad enough, the cruise line then tries to sell you these pictures. That's just mean.
On these cruises, they have what's called a "Coke Card."‡‡‡ If you purchase a Coke Card at the beginning of the week, you get free coke the rest of the week by just flashing your card. The card is around $50, so I make sure it's worth it by drinking enough Coke during the cruise to kill a cow. One day for lunch, I ordered a Coke from this guy and finished it rather quickly. I returned about 10-15 minutes later and asked for another. He gave me a look I can only describe as skeptical disappointment and then quite seriously, as though he were talking to a smoker with cancer asking for a cigarette, asked "Another Coke, Chris?" Um...yes, please. I ordered 10 more Cokes from him on the spot.****
One of the most interesting†††† things I saw this week was a woman flossing. While walking. Yea, she was just walking along, minding her own business and....flossing. How did this happen?
Woman: "Oh man! I need to be on the other side of the boat to see my boyfriend and I need to flossurgently but I only have time to do one of those things! Wait...I have an idea...."
*Cue some kind of lame superhero music.*
And thus, the superhero Floss Woman was born. I was going to say that she'd be a fad that wouldn't last, but if we're being honest with ourselves, she probably won't even be a fad to begin with.
Friend 1: "Man, I have so much stuff in between my teeth."‡‡‡‡
Friend 2: "Floss Woman! We need your help!"
*Cue that music again.*
Yea, "Friend 2" is some friend. Guys, if I ever complain about having things stuck in my teeth and you call some random woman to floss it out, I will strangle you with the string of floss that she uses. Or with another string of floss if she does what I'm now dubbing "floss-and-runs" in order to avoid any inevitable lawsuits. Crap, I'm developing her character, this needs to stop.
I'll close with something that happened as we were leaving our cruise and heading toward our car. We had to wait in a line to get through customs and while we were there, this obnoxious Indian dude just up and cuts in front of half of our family like it was no big deal. He's sitting there waiting in line when he realizes that he just doesn't want to wait anymore. So he just steps in front of four people and then turns and waves his wife over. We decided to be polite about things by trying to get in front of him nonchalantly since, you know, he just kind of stole our place in line. Then, get this, he starts glancing back at us with an annoyed look as though we were cutting in front of him. He kept giving us annoyed looks while trying to position his bag in our way so that we couldn't get around him. And he did all this while trying to cut in front of the rest of my family. He underestimated us. We got to customs first. Sellek win. *Cue awesome superhero music.*
*Yes.
**Or screamed.
***She obviously didn't mean it that way, losers, she's 12.
†If I ever use this abbreviation or anyone like it again, kill me. Slowly.
††And yes, all of us were giddy about being in Canada because we know a Canadian family. If you think this is stupid then....then....you're stupid. Stupid.
†††Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that a line to use the stairs is completely nonsensical. You walk down them. Nothing about that action should require waiting.
‡This has been a mockery of teenagers everywhere. Your welcome (teehee).
‡‡Yea, I couldn't think of a better onomatopoeia for the sound cameras make.
‡‡‡This may just be a name my family invented and started using as though it was universally known. This could explain some weird looks we've gotten...
****Not true at all. But I probably should have. What does he care if I order another Coke??
††††Or straight-up inexplicable...
‡‡‡‡Since...you know...that's such a common ailment. And one that friends share with one another. And...yea, shut up.
