Are You Suggesting Coconuts Migrate?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I...am tonight's...entertainment.*  In this post, I will cover video games, automatic sinks, and will take a look at another interesting Bible story.  And here's and the extra-exciting part:*** I'll be doing all of the aforementioned things by... speaking to my computer.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen, this entire blog post is being constructed by Windows 7's not-so-great speech recognition program.  This will be especially fun because, for some reason, this stupid program has more difficulty identifying the word "blog" than Hitler had not killing Jews.  That means that every time you see the word "blog", I've had to vocally spell it out for the computer.  Given this little bit of information, and the fact that that last sentence took me a good minute-and-a-half to write, you'll understand if this blog post is never posted, or if I end up going insane.†

Have you ever seen a movie in which one of the characters plays a video game at some point?  Have you then attempted to play a video game in the same manner?  Here's my advice to you: don't.  Unless you're playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for the Gamecube, randomly smashing buttons is not a special move that will magically accrue tens of thousands of points.  Seeing as Hollywood does such an excellent job of portraying reality,†† I'm slightly disappointed in them here.  However, if you do happen to be playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for the Gamecube, go for it.  You'll win.  I don't care what you're doing.  I don't even care if you're "free skating", which you technically can't win, you'll win. Period.

So, you know what sucks?†††  Automatic sinks.  When are we gonna have automatic sinks that actually work?  I mean, this technology is at least 10 years old and it still doesn't work!  And what's more awkward than trying to position your hands at *just* the right spot as to make water come out while the line of people waiting for the sink behind you starts stretching out the door?  What annoys me more than anything, though, is when the stupid sink can't decide whether or not your hands are in the right spot and it does that "Here comes the water! Oh, just kidding!" thing.  One of these days, I'm going into a bathroom with a knife and stabbing one of those things to death.  And not even a small knife, either.

And finally, we come to the moment you've all been waiting for!‡

Bible Story Number Four - The Magical Healing Springs

As I mentioned in my very first blog post, I have many seminary friends who have urged me to ask questions as I read through my Bible.  I have been doing so, and have stumbled upon a number of stories that seem to have some loose ends.  This is the latest one.

Read John 5:1-7.  Go ahead, read it.  For those of you who are too lazy to copy and paste that Scripture reference into a Google search, here's the lowdown.  Jesus comes upon a crippled man and asks him if he wants to get well.  The man responds by mentioning some kind of pool.   Seemingly ignoring him, Jesus does what He likes to do and the man gets up and walks for the first time in 38 years.  This wonderful Bible story shows Christ's love yet again and gives us a chance to read about a beautiful miracle.  Wait a minute.  What about this pool?

As it turns out, the cripple was talking about a nearby pool, called Bethesda, that would surge up every now and again.  The local legend was that it would surge up because an angel was touching the waters.  Now, as we all know from watching the excellent show Touched By An Angel, angels are quite magical beings that can summon lights to shine down on them from above in any location in the universe.  So it would make sense, then, that the waters would possess magical healing powers whenever they were touched by the angel.  So naturally, people with ailments would rush to get into the water whenever it surged up.

That's right, people.  Back in the day, some incredibly sick, incredibly twisted individual told a bunch of people without the ability to walk - much less run - that the first person to get to some magical water would be healed of their handicap.  This disgusting human being then sat back and watched a bunch of cripples race each other.  Probably by crawling with their hands.‡‡  Disgusting.  The sick scum-bag probably gathered other callous rich folk and started betting on who would make it to the water first, too.

So, that's it for today's blog post.   And in case you were wondering, this terrible speech recognition program never once understood the word blog.  I'm going to go murder someone now.  Have a nice day! 

*Movie quote. The first person to name the movie will be mentioned in my next blog post, an honor which is reserved for only the most exemplary of my beloved readers.**

**That statement is probably false.

***Extra-exciting because this blog is exciting in and of itself.

†If I do end up going insane, please make sure that Mike Blackaby somehow makes it into the insane asylum with me. It's a promise we made to one another.

††See what I did there?

†††Besides, of course, this good-for-nothing, absolutely worthless speech recognition program.

‡Unless, of course, you're ultra lame.  You're not ultra lame, are you?

‡‡Since, you know, their legs didn't work.

One more laugh before you go:

Do You Really Love Lamp?

Pantyhose: the one article of clothing no man should ever have to wear.  The physical torture a man would have to endure simply while putting them on would be unbearable to begin with, as countless leg hairs would be torn out, and that combined with the psychological torture one would undoubtedly have to face from their friends as a result of wearing them would be enough to drive Ted Bundy insane.*

Anyway, it is once again blog post time!  I want to thank you all for your patience in waiting for this post, and would like to explain why it took so long for me to post again.  I've been busy.***  Also, and I kind of hate to admit this, I have been short on blog topics recently.  I know how fun and entertaining reading these blog posts are, but you must understand that it is not as easy (although just as fun and entertaining) to write it or to come up with topics to write about.  And now we move on.

So, how 'bout them Panthers?!  I know that it's still way too early to tell, but I'm thinking Super bowl, guys!  Oh man, I can't wait to watch our playoff game next week!  14-2, baby!!††

Have any of you randomly flashed back to an event that happened to you years ago?  I do this periodically and end up reliving a bunch of moments of my past.  Sometimes I flashback to boring moments,††† other times I flashback to some embarrassing moment‡ that occurred way back in the day, and sometimes I'll flashback to an interesting event.  Recently, I flashed back to an event that doesn't fall under any of those categories.  I flashed back to a time when I wanted to play the game Connect Four.

I don't know what your history with Connect Four is, but when I was a kid it ranked right underneath God as being the greatest thing ever created.‡‡  It was especially admired worshiped at my church among the elementary school students, which was probably blasphemous.  If you wanted to hang out with someone, you discussed the deeper meaning of life played Connect Four.  If you were bored and had nothing else to do, you read your Bible played Connect Four.  If you wanted to learn about God, you sat and had a deep theological discussion with your incredibly hot college-aged Sunday School teacher who I'm going to grow up and marry one day‡‡‡ played Connect Four.  So there I was one Sunday, bored with nothing to do.  My usual friends weren't there that day, so I asked some random kid if he wanted to play Connect Four.  He said yes, which is good because I would have had to kill him and eat his liver if he had said no.††††

Once he had agreed to a game, I turned and ran to the box as fast as I could.  I did this because whoever reached the box first could call what color they wanted to be.  I found it odd when I got there that he had not rushed over at all.  I called being red because, as was stated by the Universal Unspoken Law, red went first.  We set up and I excitedly popped my first red chip in.  Much to my surprise, this demon child moved the little blue thing at the bottom of the game, knocked my chip out, and then put one of his black chips in.  I was confused.  Perhaps, I thought, this poor social outcast doesn't have any friends and has never been asked to play a game of Connect Four.  I'll enlighten him to the rules so that he doesn't have to go through this again.

"Red goes first," I explained.  Then, in the dumbest accent I've ever heard, the kid responded with:

"Charcoal makes fire."  Or at least that's what he meant to say.  Due to his accent and his uncanny need to say everything obnoxiously loud, what heactually said was "CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!"

I was taken aback by this.  Not only did I have no idea what he had just said, I still couldn't understand why he was trying to go first when he clearly wasn't red.  It actually wasn't until my flashback that I realized what this kid was trying to argue.  He was arguing that charcoal, which is black (ie his chip color), makes fire, which is red (ie my chip color).  Therefore, because charcoal (his color) made fire (my color), he should go first.  I know, what a loser, right?  Anyway, like I mentioned, I had no clue what he had said, so I responded with "What?" and he responded with (no surprises here) "CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!"  I still had no idea what he was talking about.  Now, when we are children and we are attempting to argue something with someone using logic and they are arguing back using stupid, we are unsure of how to respond.  As my friend Shannon Daniel pointed out, adults usually have the same predicament.  So I, being completely confused and not completely sure how to respond, repeated myself.

"Red goes first," I explained, hoping he would get it.  He looked at me for a moment, and then, in his infinite logical prowess, came back with...

"CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR!"

At this point, I very frustratingly gave in to his stupidity and proceeded to hate that game of Connect Four.  Freaking kid ruined my day.

When I flashed back to this recently I realized that this would have gone over quite differently had it happened to today.  After trying to argue with me that CHAR-CO MAYKS FAR, I would come back with something similar to the following:

"Okay, look.  One, red goes first.  Red always goes first. Red always has gone first and red always will go first.  It's like a law of the freaking universe or something.  So, red goes first.  Two, we're not at a freaking campsite, we're playing a game of Connect Four.  Red goes first.  Three, charcoal in and of itself does not make fire.  Charcoal is the fuel for the fire, but the fire has to come from flint or matches or a lighter or something.  If charcoal did spontaneously burst into flame as you are suggesting, making a run to the supermarket for a bag of charcoal for a barbecue would be a much more harrowing and life-threatening experience.  So red goes first.  And four, since you're apparently stupid, I know that the last three points have gone way over your head.  So I'm going to bring things down to your level for a second.  Using your logic, I could just as easily say 'FAR BERNS STUF AN' MAYKS IT BLAK!'‡‡‡‡ and therefore, red would go first.  So.  Red goes first."

Punk kid ruining my game of Connect Four.  I should have slapped him.  Or killed him and eaten his liver.

*This paragraph on pantyhose and why men shouldn't have to wear them is brought to you in part by Fox News.**

**Not true.  It's pretty much just something that came to my demented mind while in the mountains of NC.  Jake, Shannon, and Laura: yes, it is that one time you're thinking of.

***Don't believe me?  Check out http://movies.interventionproductions.com/and http://www.interventionproductions.com/ for proof.†  Yea, I've been busy.

†What shameless plug?  By the way, feel free to subscribe to the movies blog for updates on recent Intervention Productions projects!  Hooray!

††This entire paragraph was written as a result of severe denial.  Please don't crush me by pointing out any slightly exaggerated statistics.

†††These flashbacks are kinda boring.

‡These aren't fun, either.

‡‡Absolutely contradictory to the Bible and everything in it.

‡‡‡Believe it or not, this sentence is completely fabricated.****

****Her name was Julie.

††††Part of the Connect Four Code that we wrote up.

‡‡‡‡For those who don't speak stupid, that is "Fire burns stuff and makes it black."