Ask Me the Questions, Bridge-Keeper, I'm Not Afraid!

So check this: yesterday I get a call from a recruiter at some recruiter company* who says that I'd be a perfect fit for this entry-level position at Red Hat.** She then tells me that she wants to meet with me in person before submitting my resume to Red Hat so that we can talk about my Computer Science experience and the rate of pay I would be asking for. I thought this was very nice of her, since no recruiter has ever asked to meet with me in person yet, and began getting excited about the potential job on the horizon. Later that day, she sent me an email with directions and signed off, as most people do,† with her name. It was Audra. I chuckled. Audra. What a funny name. It's like "Audrey" but with an "a" instead of an "ey". Teehee. I mentioned it to Jake as I was driving over to meet her and we joked about how I'd have to make sure I didn't giggle when she introduced herself to me.

So finally, the time came to meet Ms. Audra. I sat in a chair mentally preparing myself for the greeting by pretending to greet her over and over in my head,†† hoping that the funniness††† would wear off by the time she walked in. Unfortunately for me, my plan failed. Very fortunately (for more than one reason) for me, I had failed to make the woman in my imagination incredibly hot. So this freakin' hot woman walks through some double doors and goes "Chris Sellek?" My previous worries disappeared as I floated out of my seat and in her direction. When I realized that my ability to levitate was freaking her out,‡‡ I put my feet down and started walking again. Okay, okay, I started doing my best to start walking again because my legs now had the consistency of Jell-O.‡‡‡ She reached out her hand and I shook as she introduced herself. Luckily for me, I was too busy being stunned by her looks and being burned by her hand**** to notice her funny-sounding name.

Anyway, she took me into this office and started talking with me about the aforementioned†††† stuff, while I sat back and did my best to answer her questions, bring attention to my strong points, set a pay-rate that wasn't too incredibly high, and I can't forget to mention that I was doing my best to not openly stare at her like she was the Mona Lisa on display in the Louvre.‡‡‡‡ So about halfway through the interview, when I had already planned the proposal out to a tee, something shiny caught my eye. No big deal, right? She's just wearing a totally innocent ring on a finger that's not her ring finger....right? I'll just casually glance down when she's not looking to see....HOLY HECK THAT IS THE BIGGEST FREAKIN' DIAMOND RING I'VE EVER SEEN. And can you guess which finger it was on? Yea, her left ring finger. So I somehow made it through the remainder of the interview without bursting into tears.***** Talk about being unlucky, huh? The first one got away back in the note entitled "Milk was a Bad Choice" (which, believe it or not, had absolutely nothing to do with milk being a bad choice), and now another slips through my grasp. One of these days, Mike Blackaby will regret his decision to leave me for Lane and...uh...I mean, I'll find the right girl and stuff. Yea.†††††

*Why, yes, I have always been this good at remembering.

**For those of you like Laura Kuhns (yes, I totally just called you out) who have no idea what Red Hat is: it's a software company. Have you heard of Linux? ... No? Well then, you're hopeless.***

***That was mean. I (almost) apologize.

†With the exception of Joanna Slagle.

††No, of course I didn't do this for real. *Gets reeeaaaaally awkwardly quiet*

†††Uh....okay fine, I admit it. I spelled it "funnyness" first, and then Google Chrome had to tell me it was spelled with an "i" and not a "y". You knew how to spell it from the get-go didn't you? You're mocking me now, aren't you? Well....why don't you just....shut up.....Freud.‡

‡Incorrect reference to Sigmund Freud.

‡‡I do not, nor have I ever, had a Chance to Fly........ *Checks to see if anyone "got" it. Tries again.* Or maybe I should say that I've never been able to Defy Gravity............ *Checks again, sees a few faces lighting up. Sighs when he sees that a few people are still dumbfounded.* Thank Goodness that's the case, though, because I'm already pretty POPULAR as it is and I'm Not That Girl..................... *Still nothing from his audience. Sighs way too loudly and obnoxiously. Slows down his speech as if that's going to help the last few people who haven't caught on.* Well, this footnote has gone on long enough and THE WIZARD AND I have to go save some puppies FOR GOOD because we've been pretty evil lately and we all know that NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED............. *Sighs and gives up like he should have after the second sentence.* Wicked, guys. I'm....I'm referencing the play Wicked. *Sighs obnoxiously again even though it's not his clueless audience members' faults that they haven't seen the play.*

‡‡‡Okay so she wasn't THAT hot. But when do I ever not exaggerate everything 100 billion percent??

****Get it? She was so hot that she burned me when she touched me? Shut up, I don't think you're funny, either.

††††Yea. "Aforementioned." As in "something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality." Heh. And you thought I was stupid.

‡‡‡‡You like my simile and you know it. And no, I have NO idea how to pronounce "Louvre".

*****There was one point where she left to get a drink of water where I was able to cry a river in my grief. Oh and I'm not exaggerating here. I'm talking about a legitriver. Seriously, think freaking Amazon here, people. I managed to stop before she got back, of course, but she definitely was making weird faces about the deluge that had just ravaged her office when she got back.

†††††For those who don't know me very well and who would like to draw improper conclusions about the way I view women based on this one post I've written, I would kindly ask that you refrain from calling me any names. Especially "sexist". (For those who are wondering: yes, there's an inside joke here. And it's hilarious.).

pic. ture.

What...In the Name of Me...Is Going On Here...??

Yeeeaaaa...so this one's been a long time coming. Whine about it, I heard that that makes things better.* Anyway, in tonight's post, I am going to once again give you something deep to ponder about until my next note. Nah, just kidding, could you imagine? How boring would that be? Okay. Time to move on...**

So thanks to all of my adoring fans (you guys) and your positive feedback on this blog, I've decided that I'm going to write a book. I have absolutely no idea what this book will be about, I only know that it will be funny. So I'm well on my way, I think. Anyway, thanks to one Mike Blackaby, who I may or may not still have a severe man-crush on,*** I already have a title for this undoubtedly amazing book. Regardless of what this book is about, or what the contents of this book will contain, its title will be Sex, Drugs, and Rock-and-Roll and Why I Love All Three.† You want to read it already. Awesome.

Now that I've gotten that out in the open, it's time for this blog post's main topic: the fall. As in mankind's fall that is chronicled in the book of............Genesis.††† The one that includes the first two people in existence: Adam and Eve. The one where....okay, yea, you get it.

Before I go further, I must admit that I did not come up with this all by me onesy.‡ I was helped by the ever-so-wonderful Miss Elizabeth Hauser. Wait! Hold your applaud until the end of the note, please. Thank you.

So Elizabeth and I were weeding the yard of one of our church members one fine (HOT) afternoon, and we began reminiscing‡‡ about the time before the fall when weeds weren't really a problem. We started talking about stupid Adam and Eve and how we totally wouldn't have sinned and ruined Earth for everyone else like they did,‡‡‡ and eventually we started playing the blame game like so many people do when the fall is brought up. That's when it hit me that I had stumbled upon yet another (popular) Bible story that is left open-ended. Here's the setup:

First, Satan tempts the two. Second, Eve sins. Finally, Adam sins. Then God shows up. Bad day. They all point the finger at each other, and in the end, everyone is punished. This is where the story ends. God never says who's at fault for all of this. Well, Hauser and I tackled this question head on and I'm proud to say that we have an answer for you, my crazy readers.**** The answer is simple: the blame falls on Adam. Yes, Eve was the first to stumble and take a bite, and yes, Eve was the first to desire the fruit at all. However, and here's the key question, what was Eve doing out of the kitchen to begin with??!†††† Had she been in the kitchen, where she belonged, she wouldn't have been anywhere near the forbidden fruit, and would therefore not have even been tempted by the serpent in the first place. Had Adam been doing his husbandly duty in making sure that Eve was where she should have been, we would still live in a sinless world.

So there you have it. Another open-ended story has been pointed out to you and then properly‡‡‡‡ addressed, leaving you with an answer you didn't even know you were looking for. Thanks for reading, and be on the lookout for the next blog post. And my book. Oh, and you can applaud for Elizabeth now.




*Yea, not sure where that malice just came from. My apologies.

**Should the fact that I constantly break my own concentration by going off on tangents worry me? Would adding another tangent here, after just asking about my tendency to break off on tangents, be funny? I think so.

***Get used to it, Lane. I can't fight love.

†For you more conservative folks in my reading audience, please rest assured that this book will not be about any of these three things, but will instead be a theological comparison of the Republican and Democratic parties and how neither will lead to the absolution of sin or the sanctification of a believer.††

††Pssssssssshhhhh! Lol!! (And in case you were wondering, yes, I had to look some of those terms up).

†††Get it? "Chronicled", as in the books of the Bible entitled "Chronicles"? *Awkward pause...laughs too hard at own joke*

‡Pirates of the Caribbean quote. Uh....in case you were wondering, I guess.

‡‡Incorrect usage of the word "reminiscing."

‡‡‡100% false and theologically inaccurate.

****Albeit a non-serious and completely theologically incorrect one.

††††Aaaaaaaaand all credibility goes out the window...

‡‡‡‡Uh.....




Ah yes, picture time. You know it well, and have learned to embrace it as a warm farewell from each of my blog posts.