And That, My Liege, Is How We Know The Earth To Be Banana-Shaped

ATTENTION EVERYONE!  I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A TERRIFYING AND SHOCKING NEWS REPORT, AND I ASK THAT YOU ALL...

Wait, why does this sound familiar?  Crap, I've done this joke before, haven't I?  One second.  *Finds the post from one month ago.  Sighs.*  Great.  Now how am I supposed to start this post?  Uh...

Well, I feel like a congratulations is in order for every single one of you because, as of last week Friday (April 29), you have all made it through one year of my blog posts!  And to think that those of you who have been here from the start (me, me, and me, for starters) haven't given up on me!  Or gotten sick of reading these!  Or...okay, let's be honest.  You guys freaking love me.  Seriously.*  The fact that I've actually kept up with these, though, is seriously a big deal.  Like really big.  Like....*tries thinking of a cool simile/metaphor and fails*...like big.  *Awkward pause.*

Oh man.  I'm hyped up on caffeine again.  Which is more of a warning for those reading than anything.  Honestly, though, I feel like these turn out better when I'm on a caffeine high.**  Seriously though, how have any of you survived these footnote mazes??

I've been quite excited about today's blog post because of the plethora of ideas my amazing brain has been coming up with the past couple of weeks.††  I'll be forced to only share a couple of them with you here tonight.  So those of you with seatbelts or seat-straps (ie none of you) strap yourselves in and get ready for blog-y awesomeness!  *Jumps into the air while yelling "YEA!" and then freezes there.  Fade to black.*

I have a confession to make to all of you.  I am deathly afraid of garbage disposals.  Not like the sound that they make or anything like that.  But when something drops down that drain and I have to reach in to grab it, I'm horrified down to the core of my soul that it'll somehow manage to gain sentience, turn itself on, and turn my hand into a fingerless, bloody stump.‡  Or that somehow, probably through a freak accident where some other inanimate object gains sentience, said possessed object will hit the garbage disposal switch and turn it on while my hand is still in there.  Stupid Final Destination trailer.

Google has been entertaining me a lot recently.  For a while, they had this little notification that boasted about their upcoming new-and-improved ad system.  Their new ads, Google promised, would be "better."‡‡‡  Finally, I signed into my Gmail account one day to find that little disclaimer gone.  In its place was an ad for immigration lawyers.  Guys, Google's racist.  Another bit of hilarity from Google: I spotted an ad (probably for the 4 tourists that come here every few years) exclaiming about "365 things to do in Raleigh!"  Pfft.  Yea, that list is probably not the same thing listed 365 times:  

1) Visit tobacco field A!

2) Visit tobacco field B!

3) Visit tobacco field C!

...

123) Visit cotton field A!

124) Visit cotton field B!

...

364) Visit corn field W!

365) Also, there's movie theaters.****

Seriously, though, there's gotta be at least 100 duplicates.  At the minimum.

One last question before I leave.  What's this thing with tanning?  Seriously, when I get married, I donot want my wife to be crazy tan.  Okay fine, I'll agree that it turns up the attraction level a tad, but here's my thing: do you know how much I (assume) I'll love having a wife without skin cancer?  A lot.  As in, more-than-I'll-like-having-a-tan-wife a lot.  Seriously.  When you're comparing a slightly less attractive woman who's still smoking freaking hot to a dead woman who's tan...I don't know, I just don't see the dilemma there.  Seems pretty cut-and-dry to me.  But, as you've probably figured out by now (especially if you've been reading for the whole year), I am crazy.  So maybe I'm missing something.  I don't know.

*Shut it.

**Probably a tad more difficult to follow, but better.  Somehow.***

***I like turtles.†

†http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y

††No sarcasm here.  Like, seriously.  I know, I almost didn't believe it.  But then I realized that not believing it would be stupid because....I, of all people, should know when I'm being sarcastic.  I mean, right?†††

†††Okay, no more caffeine late at night, I promise.  *Snickers uncontrollably.*

‡I'm mostly afraid of the fingerlessness.  I'm kinda attached to those little dudes.  And seriously, there was absolutely no pun intended there.  How lame do you think I am?‡‡

‡‡If you answered "lame enough to start two consecutive blog posts the same exact way", then you are a jerk.  Yea.  Chew on that for a while.

‡‡‡That's seriously the only way they described them.  "Better."  I'm thrilled.  Although I guess I can't really get on their case for having bad advertising for their advertising.  When they start advertising for their advertising for their advertising, though, I'm totally calling their plagiarism of Inception.

****See?  It's actually not  the same thing 365 times!

..........You're Not Ron.

ATTENTION EVERYONE!  I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A TERRIFYING AND SHOCKING NEWS REPORT, AND I ASK THAT YOU ALL LISTEN VERY CLOSELY!

I am awesome.  That is all.*

Recently, I've become obsessed with the phrase "add insult to injury."  It's such a wonderful phrase.  It's like "not only are you on the floor bleeding profusely from the nose because I just punched you, but you're also a putrid pile of repulsive flesh.  So there."  Pure awesome.  I hope to one day achieve the level of cool that is required to do this.  And if I ever do, I'm going to go around doing it toeveryone.

I mentioned in my last post that we were going to be discussing horror movies in future posts.  That is not happening.  At least not in this post.

You know what I love?**  Today's advertising.  I watched this commercial where this incredibly attractive woman walks out of a shower wearing nothing but a towel...on her head...and walks over to this guy who's also (presumably) not wearing anything and starts making out with him.  The camera pans back and just before they show naughty areas, the two change to very risque sillhouettes.***  Then, a brand of toothpaste fades onto the screen.  As in the thing you clean your teeth with.  As in the thing that has nothing to do with being naked, showering, and/or making out.†  Yea, I'll let you figure that one out...

We're visiting my childhood again in today's blog post as we did when I recounted my Connect Four story to you.  If you missed that one, it was a wonderful story.  Compelling, and rich.†††  In it, I studied the psyche of a young social outcast who did not even know the basics of the game Connect Four.‡  Today, we will be studying my own psyche‡‡‡ by taking a look at some dreams I used to have.

I used to have these dreams back before I was even 5 or 6, I think.  I don't know what prompted me to remember said dreams this last week, but I never really know what makes my brain work.  I just know that I switch topics in my brain faster than in my blog posts (see last week's post for a gauge on how fast I switch topics...read the comments for extra lolage††††), and that it'd probably be a very scary place for those who aren't used to it (ie anyone who's not me).  The sheer concentration it would take just to keep up with the information being violently thrown at you would be too much for even this guy: http://infocus.redding.com/MediaItemView.aspx?id=59425.‡‡‡‡

Anyway...my dreams.  Back when I was a kid, my brain would force me to share its distaste of awkward moments while I slept.  The setting would usually be something along the lines of my entire family (parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles) listening to me share a story that ended up have a less-than-impressive ending.  I'd end up finishing what I thought was an awesome story to a bunch of staring, expectant eyes belonging to people who didn't realize that I'd reached my punchline.  The dream would always end with me (quite awkwardly) saying something like "......and that's......pretty much it" while I turned red.

Then, a hideous monster would burst out from a hiding spot and begin eating my family while I watched.  I'm not making that up.

*For those who are wondering: yes, that part with the caps was an Anchorman quote.  For those who haven't seen Anchorman, please finish reading this and then watch it.  My blog post titles will make a lot more sense.

**Please note severe sarcasm.

***.....that continue to make out.

†Unless you're incredibly odd.  Okay, okay, I can kinda see how toothpaste and making out could be related.  One without the other could potentially be very disgusting.††

††How do you spell buzzkill?  S-o-m-e-o-n-e e-l-s-e-'s c-h-e-w-e-d f-o-o-d i-n y-o-u-r m-o-u-t-h.  Yuuummmmm.

†††Yet another Anchorman reference.  Seriously, go watch it.

‡Yea, I know the whole "pretending my blog is serious to mislead the reader" thing has gotten old, but I don't care.  I wanna see you come up with something new to write about every other week.‡‡

‡‡Shut up.  You were about to make a smart comment and you know it.

‡‡‡No, seriously.  Think about it.****

****After you've read the story, Holmes.

††††http://iamsellek.blogspot.com/2011/03/ribs-i-had-ribs-for-lunch-thats-why-im.html

‡‡‡‡Who, despite the title, does not look like he's concentrating at all, actually.